


dream talker

by MythologicalHoe, Shattered_Reality



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Flower Shop, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, Eventual Romance, F/M, Kylo Ren is a Mess, Language of Flowers, Loneliness, Mental Health Issues, Mutual Pining, Pen Pals, Pining, Senator Leia Organa, Travel
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-13
Updated: 2020-02-04
Packaged: 2020-05-02 09:05:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 22
Words: 46,939
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19195825
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MythologicalHoe/pseuds/MythologicalHoe, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shattered_Reality/pseuds/Shattered_Reality
Summary: Ben Solo is depressed. He's trying to get better, but that can be hard when you don't have a support system besides your therapist. His therapist suggests that he confides in a penpal.





	1. Hello, I'm A Mess

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Support Shattered_Reality's other works, or Mythological_Hoe's other works. 
> 
> @hothmess and @feral-rey on tumblr

When Ben Solo was in therapy, he was told to make a list of things that he considered problems in his life. Whether it be an inciting incident that lead to some act of self destruction, or some aspect of himself he didn’t like. The first time he made that list, he didn’t know how to articulate all of that, so he wrote, ‘my birth’ down on a piece of paper.

He thought it was funnier than his therapist did. “You’re supposed to take the task seriously, Mr. Solo.” Ben didn’t know how long he had been in therapy before he made an actual list. One that was actually comprehensive of everything that lead him to check himself into the hospital.

 

  * ****Being the child a high profile politician.****



 

Leia Organa was a Democratic icon and senatorial powerhouse. She hadn’t been out of a job  since Ben’s fourth birthday. “Do you think you have a problem with trying to live up to expectations?”

“I _know_ that I have problems with living up to expectations,” Ben said, “it was always, do this so that you make your mother look better, don’t do that because other politicians will try and tear you apart.”

 

  * ****His mother was hardly ever there.****



 

Even before Han Solo had died, Leia seemed to always care more about politics than she did about Ben. Ben was sure that she loved him. She said so, and she wasn’t a sociopath, so Ben assumed that she meant what she said. All of the toys that she brought, all of the huge rooms in the house that they had, it just made Ben feel more invisible in his mother’s life.

He really needed her there.

 

  * ****His father died. His mother was there less.****



 

Han Solo was not a perfect father, but he tried. His father was a gambling addict and an alcoholic, but he always seemed to win back more of the money than what he had lost in the first place, and even though he was struggling with addiction, he would try and keep Ben Solo company.

When Ben turned eight, he didn’t see his father drink anymore. He told him that he was going out for a meeting, and then would come back smelling like coffee and store bought cookies. It took him a while to realize that he quit drinking. Leia told him that he quit drinking for Ben. That didn’t help.

Han didn’t get cancer. That was the only thing that Ben would be grateful for when he passed away. The death wasn’t a gradual and slow thing that ate away at him. It was sudden, and he was ripped away from Ben in a sudden and cruel way. His car got T Boned by an eighteen wheeler, there was no chance he would have been able to survive. He died on impact.

 

  * ****He was bullied — a lot.****



 

Ben was never confident in his looks. Every time he tried to make friends they were always better looking than him, and of course, looking to climb the social ladder. The son of a senator was a great place to start. Once they didn’t get what they wanted they turned to making fun of his looks. Tearing him down in any way possible.

He never told anyone, because why would anyone care? He started to be more arrogant instead. More reckless. Fitting into the crowd of assholish popular rich kids. He didn’t drink though, he didn’t drink for his father. He was sure that Han Solo wouldn’t want him to do that.

 

  * ****He didn’t know who he was.****



 

Do this. Do that. Ben had never really done something because he wanted to do something. “What do you think you would be interested in?” His therapist asked, Ben would just shrug and say that he didn’t know.

 

  * ****His dog died at fifteen. The only person he considered a friend.****


  * **His uncle and him got in a fight.**



 

  1. **He was lonely.**



God. He was so lonely.

“I’ve never really had a friend,” It was a dumb thing to be embarassed about, but when Ben admitted it, he couldn’t help but feel embarrassed. “And I don’t know how to socialize or connect to someone in person. I’m shit at conversation.”

“What have I told you about using that kind of negative language with yourself?”

“Right,” Ben looked down at the carpet. He did this every time they had a one on one session. He had counted the different colored squares the first time they met. There were twenty four visible squares. “Negative language only fuels self hate.” It was hard not fuel the self hate though.

“Good. Now, here’s a suggestion. You don’t have to take it, but have you ever thought about getting a penpal.”

Ben Solo rose an eyebrow, “A penpal? Are those even still a thing?” His therapist nodded.

“I know you’re not on social media, but finding someone that you can write some good old fashioned letters might do you some good.”

“I’m not sure,” Ben was never really one for trying new things. He squirmed in his seat a little bit as he waited for the therapy session to be over.

“Like I said, you don’t have to do it. It’s just a suggestion.”

“Right.”

* * *

 

When Ben Solo left the hospital, a car was waiting for him. Part of him hoped that Leia would be the one in the driver’s seat, waiting to see if her son was okay. It wasn’t Leia. Phasma; Leia’s personal secretary, was waiting for him. She had that look on her face that people gave you when you got out of a mental hospital. “Hey,” Ben got in the passenger seat when she greeted him. “Leia said sorry she couldn’t make it. Her plane got delayed.”

“Of course it did,”

“She really is sorry,”

“I just want to go home.” Home to him was a small house on the edge of the suburbs and a rural area, away from the noise and away from the people. The ride home was silent and awkward for both of them. The only question Ben asked Phasma was, “How’s my dog?”

“He’s fine,” She said, “been looking after him so he didn’t have to stay in a kennel.”

“Thank you.” Phasma left after that. Unlike a lot of people, she knew when she had overstayed her visit. His home looked untouched since the last time he had been there. Desolate walls without much decoration. No artsy or interesting furniture. Chewie II came around the corner, excited wagging his tail when he saw that his owner was back. “Hey boy! How ya doing? Sorry that I’ve been away.” He didn’t know how long he had spent focusing on Chewie, he just knew that he didn’t really feel like going all the way into his house yet.

**Incoming Call: Leia …**

Ben let it go to voicemail. “I wonder if you’ve been fed.” He decided to text Phasma to ask.

**Phasma: call your mother**

**Ben: yeah sure but have you fed the dog today**

**Phasma: yes. Call your mom.**

Ben just set his phone on the table as he walked into his living room, sitting down on the couch and waiting for his dog to follow. He did, laying down on in his lap in an instinctive motion that the two of them had had going on for a while. Ben didn’t really have anything to do today. His mother didn’t come see him like he hoped, and when he went to the refrigerator, he had found that Phasma had stocked all of it. Probably at the behest of his mother.

He was set for the day, deciding to scroll through Netflix and watch things that he had already watched before. Each time getting recommendations for new things that he knew for a fact that he wasn’t going to watch.

The day seemed to be over a lot faster than he thought it was, the sun was going down and Ben realized that he hadn’t had anything that day. It took almost all of the motivation he had in himself to get the components out of his fridge for a sandwich, and then all of his motivation to put those components onto a plate. He ate them separately, not putting the sandwich or anything together. Chewie sat there, watching him about to shove a piece of ham in his mouth patiently. “You already ate today,” He said.  Chewie cocked his head to the side, and Ben’s heart melted. “Fine,” He tossed one of the pieces on the ground and watch his dog eat it up. 

The rest of his night was mundane. Trying to find a way to go to sleep in the very same bed that he thought that he was going to die in, going to the couch, and then deciding that he couldn’t sleep at all and ending up on his computer. He stayed on YouTube for a while, trying to get himself to fall asleep again but nothing was really working. 

It was maybe four videos in that Ben remembered what his therapist had suggested to him.  _ “A pen pal could do you some good.”  _ Ben wasn’t one for trying new things, he wasn’t one of doing what others suggested for him to do either, but he was trying to get better. He was really trying to get better. How would you even find a penpal? 

He decided that was a question for Google. There were several verified sites that Google said were safe places to find a penpal. He clicked on the first one and made an account, only stopping when it asked him his name. Everyone knew who Leia Organa was. Everyone knew her son was. She was even well liked in countries outside of the United States. So he made a different name. Kylo Ren. He set up an account, now he just needed to actually find a pen pal. 


	2. Rey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey wants nothing more than to live a normal life. But it’s hard to do that when your life has been anything but normal. She tells herself she’s alright, and that she doesn’t need anyone else, but when someone close to her suggests otherwise, Rey decides to take a step into the unknown.

When Rey was little, she always imagined growing up would be something to look forward to...something filled with _happiness_. Younger Rey had so many hopes and dreams for the future, so many things she wanted to do, to see. Often times, imagining her future would be her escape from the sad existence she called life.

 

But, like everything else in her life, nothing ever went the way she hoped it would.

 

When she’d been no more than five years old, for reasons she had yet to understand, her parents had abandoned her. She could recall being left in the parking lot of some shopping center, with nothing but the clothes on her back, and her favorite red teddy bear, named Licorice. She remembered the tears, the screaming, begging them to _please come back_ , as she watched their car speed off down the road.

 

To this day, Rey wasn’t sure how long she’d been outside, drenched from the harsh downpour, crying and waiting for her parents to return, until she was whisked away to safety by a kind stranger.

 

After weeks of trying to track down her family, she’d been placed in foster care. While she’d been heartbroken over the loss of her parents, a part of her remained hopeful that this new family would love and accept her. But at only five years old, little Rey hadn’t a clue just how cruel the world could be.

 

Old man Plutt and his wife seemed nice at first. They had a decent home, where she had her own princess themed room filled with toys of all kinds, and plenty of love and attention to go around. There had even been talk about officially making Rey part of their family, and she was elated at the prospect.

 

But it wasn’t until a year or so later, when Plutt’s wife suddenly died, that things took a drastic turn. With the loss of his wife, Plutt became a bitter, angry old man. He no longer wished to adopt Rey, which he’d made _very_ clear, but decided to “keep” her, so that those checks would keep coming. From then on, Rey had become nothing more than a servant in her own home. In return for shelter, and the small amounts of food he’d allow her to eat, she would cook, clean, do the laundry, and whatever else was required of her. And when she wasn’t doing her “chores,” the old man kept her locked away in her room, refusing to let her out. 

 

Once, when Rey was about 10, she’d tried to report the neglect, but the old man was a very skilled liar, and because of that, no one believed her. As a result, she went to bed hungry with a sore, bruised cheek that night.

 

Her only solace was the time she got away from Plutt, while she was at school. She studied as hard as she could, taking a particular interest in the scientific study of plants and flowers. And as the years passed, her interest in the subject only grew.

 

Rey was positively fascinated with the subject. Academic studies aside, they were quite beautiful to look at, and frankly, they had a rather relaxing quality about them, that allowed her to forget all the bad things in life. There was also the fact that one could convey so many different thoughts and feelings with a certain type of plant, or flower, without ever uttering a single word. How cool was that?

 

Yes, at the age of 17, Rey would freely admit she was a bit of a nerd.

 

Of course, the fact that Rey was a wealth of knowledge when it came to such things, didn’t win her any favors in the friend department. Most kids at school treated her as though she carried the plague, but she didn’t mind in the slightest. It’s not like she could actually _talk_  to them anyway. She was better off alone.

 

But when a small flower shop opened up in town, Rey couldn’t contain her excitement. She just _had_  to pay the shop a visit. So on one particularly warm Tuesday afternoon, she decided to make the trip after school let out. Rey wasn’t quite sure what she’d do once she got there, she just knew she wanted to go. She also knew she’d have to concoct some sort of lie to explain her delay in returning home, but she’d worry about that later.

 

At the moment, Rey had more important things to concern herself with, like keeping herself in check. She was hardly ever allowed to leave the house for anything except school, which meant that Rey always made it a point to get to her destination as quickly as possible, rarely deviating from her walk to and from school. It was a routine she was used to, and felt comfortable with because it was safe and familiar.

 

But this was new territory. Rey felt like a fool as she pulled her bag closer, and constantly looked behind her to make sure no one was following her. It wasn’t until she was about halfway to the shop, that a feeling of intense uneasiness came upon her. Suddenly, it was as if she couldn’t see straight. Rey felt like she might just pass out. Her heart felt like it was about to jump right out from her chest, her whole body began to tremble, and she could feel sweat begin to pool at the base of her neck.

 

_Pull yourself together Rey! You can’t let anyone see you like this!_

 

Somehow, she managed to make her way over to a small clearing of trees away from the main road, collapsing in an ungraceful heap, as she cradled her head. Rey did the only thing she knew how to do: she shut her eyes, and took a deep breath, repeating the motions a few more times for good measure. Within a few minutes, she felt a sense of calm wash over her.

 

Unfortunately, this wasn’t the first time something like this had happened to her. Rey had long suspected she had some form of anxiety, but the old man never cared to take her to see a doctor. Not that she’d ever tell him, anyway. It was pointless. She knew he didn’t care about her at all, so why would he show an ounce of concern for her?

 

When Rey began to feel that she was once again in full control of herself, she stood slowly, scanning the area to be sure no one had witnessed her breakdown. And when it was apparent that she was indeed alone, she continued on her way, hoping to forget about what had just happened.

 

About ten minutes later, _Sweet Stems_  came into view. And before she could question her sanity any further, she stepped inside.

 

Her senses were immediately on overload. The scent, the colorful array of flowers, it was all perfection. She took the time to look at each and every flower on display. Flowers deserved to be appreciated, and she’d be damned if she didn’t do just that.

 

Rey must have been so lost in her musings, that she didn’t hear the sound of someone approaching from behind.

 

A light tap on her shoulder caught her attention, eliciting a small yelp, and she quickly turned to see a small old woman smiling up at her.

 

“I’m sorry to startle you child, I just wanted to welcome you to _Sweet Stems_. My name’s Maz, and I own this place.” The old woman, Maz, gestured proudly.

 

“Oh, um, hi. I’m Rey, it’s nice to meet you.”

 

“Well Rey, it’s lovely to meet you as well.” The woman glanced behind her, at the display of flowers the young girl had been enthralled with. “You seem to be enjoying those flowers over there.”

 

“Oh yes, I love everything about them! Flowers, I mean. And plants too! There’s just so much to learn, I-” a lighthearted laugh broke through her rambling. Rey inwardly cursed herself into oblivion.

 

_This was why she didn’t have any friends._

 

“I uh, I’m sorry about the word vomit. I suppose I got a bit too excited.” She said, refusing to meet the other woman’s eyes.

 

Maz waved her off, “not at all child. And while I won’t pretend to know what “word vomit” means, I adore your enthusiasm. It’s quite refreshing to see in someone so young as yourself.”

 

Rey couldn’t stop herself from smiling. That had to be the only time someone had ever complimented her, and truly meant it.

 

“What would you say about coming to work for me here at the shop? It’s just me here, and I’m not as young as I used to be. I wouldn’t mind the extra help, and the company, of course.”

 

A job? Maz had barely just met her, and she was already offering her a job? Before Rey’s brain could catch up with her mouth, she accepted without a second thought.

 

Since she was still underage, she had to convince Plutt to allow her to work. At first, he was vehemently against it, since it would keep her from her chores. Though eventually, the prospect of extra money was just too much for him to ignore.

 

And so, every day after school, Rey went to work at _Sweet Stems_. She’d been quite nervous at first, but Maz was more than patient with her, which was something Rey was eternally grateful for.

                                

* * *

 

Over the next two years, Rey gradually became confident in her role at the shop, and in herself. The nervousness and fear she once had, was slowly replaced with happiness, and certainty. The shop had become her home.

 

Rey had also developed a special bond with Maz. The kind old woman became something of a mother figure to her. Her only regret was not meeting this woman sooner.

 

Her life was finally starting to turn into something she recognized as normal. Rey’s anxiety was still very much an issue though, and as a result, she rarely ventured out of her comfort zone with Maz and the shop. Meaning this was a recurring topic between the two of them, with Maz always encouraging her to try something new, and meet new people.

 

Rey, for her part, appreciated that the woman cared enough as much as she did. She wished more than anything, that she could simply take Maz’s advice, and just do it. Other people could, so why couldn’t she?

 

_Right_.

 

_Other people weren’t messed up like she was._

 

“Rey, child, what have you brought now?” Gesturing to the multitude of bags in the young girl’s arms.

 

Out of breath, Rey hurried inside and kicked the door closed behind her, depositing the bags onto the nearest table.

 

“Oh, just picked up a few things from the store. Here, I brought your favorite.” She rummaged through one of the bags, pulling out a box of snickerdoodles, a teasing glint in her eye. “I know how much you love these.”

 

Maz eyed the box with curiosity, “Alright, what is it you want?”

 

“Nothing at all. Can’t I do something nice without an ulterior motive?” Playing along with Maz’s lighthearted banter.

 

“Of course you can, but you know how most folks are.”

 

“I’m not most people.”

 

“No my dear, you’re definitely not.” Rey smiled, and took one of the cookies Maz offered her.

 

“But tell me child, don’t you have any plans for the day? It’s Saturday, and you’re not scheduled to come in until Monday.”

 

“Nope,” she said, taking a bite of her snickerdoodle. “I figured I’d come in and check on the plants. The orchids need to be replanted, and the rest of the flowers will need to be watered and-” The sound of Maz’s light laughter interrupted what would have been a long-winded speech.

 

“Dear girl,” she said, resting a hand upon Rey’s shoulder. “I appreciate that you come and check on me every weekend when you really don’t have to, I really do. But you know I can take care of those things on your day off, I’m not _that_  old.”

 

“Of course! I just wanted to make sure you had everything you need-”

 

“I know, and like I said, I really do appreciate you taking the time out of your day to worry about a poor old woman like me.” She paused, and Rey had a feeling this was about to become another discussion about her social life, or the lack thereof.

 

“But I want you to look after yourself.”

 

_Yep, she was right_.

 

“I promise you, I’m more than alright. I like coming here, and I feel at home when I’m here at the shop.”

 

“I know you do. But it’s important for a young girl like yourself to have friends your own age. You’ll always have me, that will never change. I just want you to be happy.”

 

“But I _am_  happy. I don’t need anyone else.”

 

Maz sighed, “just promise me you’ll think about it Rey.”

 

Rey saw genuine concern in the woman’s eyes, and sighed, “I’ll think about it.”

                                

* * *

 

Later that night, when Rey was browsing the internet in bed with Licorice tucked in next to her, she mulled over Maz’s words.

 

Deep down, she knew Maz was right. But again, it was easier said than done.

 

How do people even make friends? Rey couldn’t very well just go up to someone and randomly ask them if they wanted to be her friend. Rey didn’t have the best social skills, but even she knew that wasn’t how things worked. Plus, she lived in a very small town, and many of the kids she grew up with had either moved away, or they just didn’t want anything to do with her at all. Or in most cases, it was both.

 

The truth was, Rey _was_  quite lonely. She’d watch other kids her age laugh and hang out at the cafe across the street from the shop, and she was loathe to admit it, but a part of her _envied_  them.

 

She envied how carefree they were, and how simple social situations came so easily to them.

 

But Rey wasn’t like that. There was no way in hell she could just approach someone and start a conversation, without making a complete fool of herself.

 

Pulling Licorice closer, she continued mindlessly scrolling through Yahoo news, when she spotted a rather odd, if not interesting ad.

 

It was an ad about Pen Pals. Like real, old fashioned, Pen Pals. And while she had no idea how this was a still a thing, the idea of exchanging handwritten letters with a random, faceless person, appealed to her.

 

She wouldn’t have to worry about talking to anyone face to face, so that was a plus. And she definitely wouldn’t have to worry about embarrassing herself like she always seemed to do whenever she actually worked up the courage to talk to people.

 

_This might not be such a bad idea_ , she thought.

 

Before she could second guess herself, Rey clicked on the ad, and created an account.

 

Within minutes, she was matched with someone named... _Kylo_?

 

What the hell kind of name was that?


	3. New Things Are Good

_ Dear Kylo, _

_ I don’t know who will receive their letter first, so please forgive me if I ask some questions that you ask in your letter as well. I am not really sure what the best way to start off our correspondence is, so I guess I should just list everything about myself that I think relevant…  _

* * *

**Fourteen Missed Calls**

 

**One New Text**

 

**Phasma: Call your mother back, asshole.**

 

That was a lovely thing to wake up to, Ben rolled his eyes and rolled over in bed, Chewie jumping atop the bed too, obviously still excited about the fact that his owner was back. 

 

**Phasma: This is really childish.**

 

**Ben: Tell her I’m fine but I don’t wish to speak to her at this moment.**

 

**Phasma: Ben, her flight was cancelled. It wasn’t her fault that she wasn’t able to come pick you up from the hospital.**

 

**Ben: It never is.**

He sighed, shutting off his phone and letting his dog get closer to him for warmth. “Just thirty more minutes,” He told him. “Thirty more minutes.” Thirty more minutes almost became an hour as he realized that he wasn’t motivated enough to get up. He did though. He had to feed his dog. He went through the motions of living a normal, healthy day. He drank water, walked the dog, came home and ate, and then found himself sitting on his couch staring at the wall. 

Ben had never been much for decorating, so nearly every wall was white. It was a sterile, minimalist look that made him feel like he wasn’t at home. So he got on the computer, immediately going to Amazon. He needed something. He brought a few cheap decorations and trinkets, a lamp, and some books. Something that would make it feel more like home. 

* * *

 

 

_ This may be too personal for the first letter, but I think you should know. I’ve never really had a home before. I grew up in the foster system, and I’m pretty sure that the foster system in America is just as shitty as the one in the UK, so I won’t really go into detail about my experience with that. You can imagine.   _

* * *

 

Rey’s letter arrived with all of the stuff that Ben had ordered off of Amazon. It was put in a thick brown letter envelope, and the postal stamp was a picture of a flower. Something told him that Rey was going to be a lot better writer than he was. He left it sitting on his kitchen table while he started opening everything else. Ben wasn’t very good at decorating, he wasn't sure what to do with everything he brought, but he put on an episode of some random interior decorating show to give him a little bit of reference as he went about his day. 

He wasn’t sure how long that it took to do everything, he just remembered that by the end of it, all that motivation he had to do anything just went out the window. He grabbed his phone and turned it on, just to see how many times he had been called.

**2 Missed Calls: Leia**

**Leia: Ben, will you just pick up.**

**Leia: Please, I want to make sure that you’re okay.**

**Leia: I can tell that you’re reading these.**

**Leia: Please just answer**

**Ben: Please stop calling me**

**Ben: I’m fine**

 

He turned his phone off again. 

* * *

 

When Ben was little, his parents were the only people that were his best friends. He knew that they weren’t perfect, he could hear the both of them yelling at each other when they thought he was asleep. They still tried. He could tell that they loved each other. 

During the day, his father would try to be interested in the same things that he was interested in. Although sometimes it was hard. Ben didn’t like football or most other sports, he liked to draw, paint, loved going to musicals with his mother when she had the time to get tickets for the both of them. 

Life was good. Life was a lot better than a lot of other kids had it, and Ben appreciated everything he had. 

And then his dad died, it was like everything that he had once had was ripped away from his fingers. He no longer had a mother either. His mother just stopped. There was something about the way that she lost Han that made her cut off all parts of her personality that Ben really needed. For a solid week, she stayed in bed. She wouldn’t say anything. She wouldn’t eat. She wouldn’t take care of herself. Ben tried everything that he could to make sure that she was okay, but that wasn’t much when you were eleven years old. 

The next week when Ben went to check on her, she wasn’t there. He went downstairs to see her cooking breakfast, already in her suit, her hair brushed and pulled up. She was going to work. “Mom—” 

“I don’t have time to talk sweetie, I’m going to make your waffle and then leave. Okay?” He didn’t know what to say, he just stood there and watched his mom go out the door. And that became their relationship. Leia didn’t have time for him. 

* * *

 

Ben opened the letter. Gods, this girl’s handwriting was beautiful. 

 

Dear Kylo Ren, 

_ I don’t know who will receive their letter first, so please forgive me if I ask some questions that you ask in your letter as well. I am not really sure what the best way to start off our correspondence is, so I guess I should just list everything about myself that I think relevant. _

_ This may be too personal for the first letter, but I think you should know. I’ve never really had a home before. I grew up in the foster system, and I’m pretty sure that the foster system in America is just as shitty as the one in the UK, so I won’t really go into detail about my experience with that. You can imagine.  Now for the less personal stuff. I work at a flower shop, love animals, and love reading, writing, music. The things that you could imagine that most girls that work at flower shops would like. My favorite color is green, I don’t have a favorite food because I like food in general, and I don’t have any friends.  _

_ I would really like to have friends, but I’m not great at socializing with other people.  _

_ That is enough about myself though, I’d like to know more about you.  You don’t have to feel obligated to tell me anything personal about yourself, but I would at least like to know the little things. What’s your favorite color? Do you have any pets? Things like that.  _

It was a short letter, but it felt like the start to something that Ben had never really experienced. A friend, even if that friend lived all the way in the UK. Something about that made him start to shake.  _ New things are scary.  _ His therapist had once told him.  _ But the strong thing to do is to face them head on. Including the positive things.  _ Ben got out a sheet of printer paper and started to write. Ben drafted out the letter. He must’ve done it a dozen times by the time he was done and it still wasn’t how he wanted it. But he settled on it anyways. He told himself he’d send it out tomorrow. 

_ New things.  _

_ New things could be good.  _

* * *

Ben Solo met Snoke when he was fifteen and starting a government internship that Leia had begged him to take. He didn’t want to take it, even though he knew it would be a good opportunity. Something had told him that he shouldn’t take it, but it was to keep up appearances. At this point, Leia’s political career was growing, and it seemed like every eye was on her and her son.

Snoke was an old man who seemed kind at first. He knew that Ben Solo did not have a father figure in his life. Everyone knew that at this point. He was just the type of person to use that to his advantage. Slowly, as Ben would do things, Snoke would be less and less appreciative of the things that he would do. Berating him when he typed up documents and made the smallest mistakes, making him feel small when he got upset about anything. Being lonely, being stressed, anything. He would tell him that in order to be a better person, in order to become someone successful. 

He was the person that finalized the thought Ben had that he would never be happy. He was the person that put Ben in the hospital. 

* * *

 

**Leia: Ben, I’m sorry that I didn’t get to pick you up. I really am, but I couldn’t help it. My flight got delayed.**

 

Ben took the battery out of his phone. He had to stop checking it. He couldn’t take it anymore. Chewie stared at him as he did so. Following him as he folded his letter to Rey and put in an envelope. Once it was sealed and addressed, he left it on the table to take to the post office later. “You want to go for a walk, boy?” Of course he did. He always did. 

_ New things are good. Your life is going better than it was before.  _ He told himself. 


	4. Rey

In the two weeks that followed since Rey sent off Kylo’s letter, she’d been a nervous wreck. She tried to put her mind at ease, by keeping herself busy around the shop, and running errands for Maz.

 

She hadn’t received any response from him yet, but she told herself that maybe international post just took longer to reach its destination. At least, that’s what she hoped it was. If Rey stayed idle too long, her mind wandered to places she wished it wouldn’t go.

 

Rey knew she was overthinking the whole thing, but she didn’t know what else she could do, besides keep herself busy. She was sure Maz noticed something was _off_ with her, but aside from a few strange looks here and there, the other woman hadn’t given any indication she knew something was different with her.

 

But even still, none of her work could keep those nagging thoughts from creeping up every now and then. _What if I overshared? What if Kylo never responds back? What if he just doesn’t like me?_

 

Rey moaned in frustration as she realized she’d let her mind wander _again_. Taking a breath, she tried to redirect her mind to something more comforting, like the wedding bouquet she was _supposed_ to be working on. The bouquet itself was simple, yet beautiful. It consisted of an array of white roses and blush peonies, all tied together with a pretty satin ribbon. As she put the finishing touches on the bouquet, Rey admired her work. She was pleased it looked as lovely as it did, considering she hadn’t been focusing on her work like she should have been.

 

Rey set the bouquet neatly aside, and looked around the shop for something else to do, only to find that there wasn’t a single thing needing to be done. It was a slow day at work, and in her stupor, she’d completed whatever tasks needed doing. So, Rey had no choice but to wait patiently until the next customer arrived.

 

About half an hour passed before the doorbell sounded, signaling the arrival of someone. Rey was about to welcome the patron, only to see it was Maz.

 

“Maz! Let me help you with that!” Noticing the boxes in the woman’s arms, Rey quickly made her way over and took what she could, setting them down behind the counter.

 

“Thank you dear. I had to lug those things around with me all the way to the post office. And let me just say, my bones are tired.” Maz said, wiping her forehead.

 

Rey frowned, “you should’ve told me, I could’ve done this for you.”

 

“Nonsense child, it was a good day. I needed to get out and do something away from the shop.” She said, catching her breath. “Oh that reminds me!” Rey watched as Maz all but lept from her seat, and rummaged through the boxes, withdrawing what looked to be a _letter_.

 

_No, it couldn’t be._

 

“This came for you...says it’s from America. I didn’t know you knew anyone there?” The question sounded innocent enough, but the look in Maz’s eyes told Rey differently. Rey went to grab the letter from her, only for Maz to quickly snatch it away.

 

Maz knew something was up.

 

“I uh, I don’t?”

 

The older woman chuckled, “So you’re telling me you don’t know who this _Kylo Ren_ is?”

 

“No!” Realizing too late, that she’d answered too fast.

 

“Dear girl, I’m only teasing you. What you do in your personal time is your own business. However, if you’ve found a friend, even someone all the way in America, I’m immensely happy for you.” With that, Maz handed the letter over to Rey, who quickly stuffed it in her bag.

 

“Thank you, really.”

 

“Of course dear, now why don’t you help me with these boxes.”

 

* * *

 

It wasn’t until later that night when Rey returned home, that she took Kylo’s letter out. She put it on her bed, and just stared at it. Part of her was excited to see what he’d said, but the other part of her was extremely nervous.

 

Twenty minutes of staring passed, before she reluctantly opened it. _It’s now or never_. At first glance, the letter seemed as normal as any other letter. But then she noticed his handwriting, and it was lovely.

 

**_Dear Rey,_ **

 

**_I’ve never done something like this before so forgive me if my thoughts are kind of scrambled. It’s nice to start talking to you. I really love your handwriting, it’s beautiful. Forgive me for my handwriting, I hope you can read everything well. There isn’t really anything that interesting about me. I live out in a more rural area and I don’t really talk to people, and yes, I do have a dog._ **

 

Rey laughed out loud at the irony of them both complementing each other’s writing. She couldn’t have planned that if she tried. But more than that, he had a dog! Oh how lucky he was! She would definitely have to ask for a picture of his dog in her next letter.

 

**_I’m not really sure I have a favorite color, which I know a lot of people consider weird, but I’ve just never thought about it. Thinking about it, I guess that I would say that my favorite color is red. My mother’s favorite bird is the cardinal, and I guess that always stuck with me because every time I see those birds, I’m happy._ **

 

The way he wrote, almost made her tear up. Kylo didn’t realize it, but he was sweet, that much she could tell from just the first two paragraphs.

 

**_I’m not very good at listing the things I like though because I’ve never really had a chance to do the things that I really wanted to do. That’s really depressing the more I think about it. So, here are the things I know I like. Dogs, musicals, and books. So I guess we have some things in common there. I can’t wait to hear more from you._ **

**_Thank you,_ **

 

**_Kylo Ren_ **

 

**_P.S. Next time I’ll send you a picture of my dog._ **

 

Her heart went out to him. God, Kylo seemed as lonely as she was. She only hoped he got something satisfying out of their pen pal friendship. He seemed like he really needed it.

 

She read over the letter once more, and realized that he’d actually read her mind! She wouldn’t have to ask for a picture of his dog, he was going to send one with the next letter! Before Rey realized what she was doing, she hugged the letter close to her.

 

Rey hadn’t felt like this since...well, _ever_. She wasn’t nervous about her correspondence with Kylo anymore. In fact, she felt peace when she thought about it.

 

With that in mind, Rey got to work on her next letter to Kylo.


	5. Ben

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the short chapter! I'm getting this out right before a trip!

 

Ben woke up more tired than usual. It was always that way around this time of the year. No matter how much he tried to get past it, he still remembered the day that his father died well, the day that every thing started to go down hill. It was two weeks away, and those days, both he and his mother got quiet. Those days, it was very hard to get out of bed and do things. It was very hard to find a reason to do things. **Incoming Call: Leia.** He sighed when he looked at his phone. A part of him wanted to just let it go to voice mail, but he knew that his father wouldn’t want that. He picked up the phone. “Hi, mom.” He wasn’t sure what to say past that.

“Ben, oh my god. I’m glad I could reach you.” He sat down on the couch, trying to remind himself that she couldn’t see eye rolls through the phone.

“Is everything okay?”

“Yeah,” Leia said, “I just really needed to hear your voice today.” He bit his lip.

“I get that.” _Like I needed you the day I got out of the hospital. Or the day that dad died. Or any day of my life that you weren’t there._ “How are you doing?”

“I’m really busy,” She said, “but we don’t have to talk about my job right now. I want to know how you’re doing?” How was he doing?

“I’m okay,” He said, “really enjoying going on walks with Chewie. I missed that a lot.”

“I bet he missed that too,” There was an awkward pause between the two of them before Ben started to talk again.

“I bought some decorations, for my place.”

“That’s cool.” It was like she didn’t know how to talk to him. Like she was scared to say something that he wouldn’t like or would make her look bad. It was an intolerable thing to have going on in their conversation, and Ben was starting to get tired of it. That’s when the arguing started. “Look, Ben, about the hospital--”

“Mom, don’t do that. Not now.”

“It was delayed, there was nothing I could do about it.”

“I’m really tired, I really don’t want to do this with you right now.”

“I don’t know why you were skipping my calls for so long-”

“Mom, you know damn well why I was skipping your calls.” It was the first time that he had raised his voice since before the hospital. He had been doing so well. “I was skipping your calls because it’s always the same thing. I need you? Delayed flight, have to stay late at work, party, something is going on that is always more important than me and you are never held accountable for it,”

“Ben So-”

“Mom, I am a grown ass man, calling me by name before admonishing me isn’t going to work. Now please, if you’re going to try and come with excuses for your failed parenting, do not call me again.” He hung up.

***

Ben Solo had always had a problem with anger. His therapist said that it was because he never had anyone around who could properly show him to cope with the problems that he had encountered as a child or adolescent. He really, really tried to work on his anger. That was why when he hung up, he was angry at himself for nearly cussing his mother out. He wanted to get back on and apologize, but there was something that was keeping him from doing it. “God, I am such a piece of shit.” Chewie whined when he heard that. “Sorry, boy.”

 

Honestly, there wasn’t much he was looking forward to today. Hopefully a letter from Rey would appear and give him some motivation to not be a total idiot today. If not, he was going to spend all day in. He spent half of the day sitting on the couch, watching his phone as Phasma spammed text after text after text.

 

 

**Phasma: what the fuck**

**Phasma: You know what time of the year it is**

**Phasma: really solo?**

**Phasma: I dont know what you said but I can tell she was crying**

**Phasma: I can see you reading these**

**Phasma: what do you have to say for yourself**

**Ben: I said what I said**

**Phasma: you’re a bigger dick than I thought**

**Ben: I’ve always been a dick so I don’t know what you were expecting**

**Phasma: Fuck off**

 

Ben rolled his eyes and turned his phone off, turning to Chewie. “Want to go on a walk?” That made him perk up. “Good boy,” There were sometimes when walking the dog was good for both him and Chewie. Fresh air was good. It was supposed to clear your head, and some times, it did. He didn’t think about anything else besides having Chewie walk with him. When he got home, he checked his mailbox.

There it was.

There was her letter. His hands shook just a little bit as he picked it up and got in the door.

 

_Dear Kylo, First off let me just say your handwriting is lovely. Is that weird to say to a guy? Well I don’t care, because it’s the truth. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a man with such nice handwriting as yours. Sorry, i think I’m rambling._

 

_I do that when I’m nervous or excited. Anyway, you mentioned that you don’t talk to people very often. I don’t either, to be quite honest. Actually, I think you’re the first person I’ve had a real conversation with, outside of my boss. She’s really the only friend I have. Sad, I know. But I feel safe with her, like I could talk to her about anything, and she never judges me._

 

_I guess I’m saying this to you, because even though we just started our correspondence, I want you to know that you can talk to me about anything, free of judgment. If you’re comfortable, that is. I just want you to know the offer is there. And I’m holding you to your promise. You know, the one where you said you’d send a photo of your dog in your next letter? I love animals, and I’ve always wanted a pet, but I wasn’t allowed to have one._

 

_Plus, pets are much better company than most people. You’re quite lucky. Well Kylo, I’m not sure what else to say. But I do hope this letter reaches you in a timely manner. I hope you’re well. I look forward to hearing from you soon!_

 

_Sincerely, Rey P.S. The pressed flowers I’ve included are a yellow rose, which symbolises friendship, and the other is called a “bird of paradise,” which symbolises exciting and wonderful anticipation :)_

_P.P.S I just made a lemon and blueberry pie that I use for a pick me up some times. Attached is the recipe._

There was something about writing to this person all the way across the Earth that made Ben feel okay again. He stopped shaking as he looked over her letter again and again and again. She had left a pressed flower, taped to the stem was a recipe written in fancy script on a fancy piece of parchment. It hit Ben that he had never really cooked before.

That was probably a shitty thing to say, because cooking and baking were things that you really needed to do to survive. “Fuck it,” He was going to do it. He was really going to do it. The first thing he needed to do was go to the store, because he knew for a fact that he wasn’t going to have any of the stuff that was required for the recipe. He hoped that he wasn’t going to screw it up.

 _Like he screwed up everything else in his life._ He shrugged and told Chewie that he was going to be back later. He actually got a cohesive list of groceries while he was there, and bought a cookbook as well. It was weird doing things that he knew that he needed to do. Baking wasn’t as hard as he thought that it was going to be. It wasn’t as easy either. He really didn’t know what to look for, how to make sure stuff was done, or how to know when stuff wasn’t done. But when he was done, he had a pie cooling down in his refrigerator and a sense of accomplishment.

He needed to take a picture of his pie. And of Chewie.


	6. Rey

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m sorry this is so late! I went home to California, and then I got terribly sick right after I got there..yikes. So that explains why this chapter is both late, and shorter than usual. Thanks for your patience, enjoy!

Rey was exhausted. _Sweet Stems_ was hired to provide flower arrangements for not one, but _two_ weddings at once. This meant it was a rather hectic two weeks for Maz and Rey. While Maz took care of the shop, Rey was tasked with the wedding arrangements, with Maz helping her when she could. It had been so busy, that Rey hardly had any time for herself, and she barely had time to notice that she hadn’t received a letter from Kylo yet, which of course, didn’t help Rey’s anxiety one bit.

 

And if that wasn’t enough, Rey was pretty sure she was getting feverish. She was lightheaded, and could hardly keep herself upright long enough to focus. Rey groaned in frustration, as she reluctantly glanced over at the _many_ unfinished arrangements that still awaited her, and at that moment, she just wanted to die.

 

With the way she was feeling, she didn’t think she would be able to finish all of them by the end of the work day. No, she’d probably have to stay long after her shift was over, just to finish everything.

 

If she just rested her head for five minutes, maybe she’d feel better.

 

_Just five minutes, and then I’ll get back to work._

 

At least, that’s what she told herself. It wasn’t until a tap on her shoulder alerted her to the fact that it hadn’t been five minutes at all. What was supposed to be a five minute rest, had turned into an hour long nap! And the tap on her shoulder had been Maz, curiously awaiting an answer.

 

_Shit. I’m going to lose my job!_

 

Rey scrambled out of her seat, stumbling as she did so, while trying to figure out just what she’d say to her boss.

 

“What on earth happened child? This is so unlike you.” Maz didn’t seem particularly upset for some reason, only curious. But Rey wasn’t breathing a sigh of relief just yet.

 

“I know Maz, I’m so so sorry. I didn’t mean for this, honest. I just wasn’t feeling the best.” Trying, and failing to keep her fear out of her words.

 

Rey knew it was a weak excuse at best, but it was the truth.

 

“Oh? I did notice you didn’t seem quite like yourself when you came in this morning.” She moved closer to Rey, and touched her forehead. “Good heavens child, you’re burning up! No wonder you don’t feel well.” While Rey seemed unfazed at this development, Maz looked utterly horrified.

 

“Oh, well I suppose I’ll take some meds when I get home later on.”

 

“Rey, there’s absolutely no way I’d make you finish out your shift in your condition. So, I’ll tell you what you’re going to do. First, I’m going to send you home with some soup, you’re going to eat that as soon as you get in. And then, you’re going to put yourself to bed.” Taking a breath, she continued, “I’ll drive you home, and then I’ll call you in the morning to see how you’re feeling. I don’t want you to worry about coming in tomorrow, unless you’re feeling much better, alright?”

 

Rey was positively shocked. Life hadn’t been kind to her at all, so it had taken her quite a while to accept that not everyone would be horrible to her. And even after working with Maz as long as she had, the woman’s kindness still amazed her. In fact, she felt quite unworthy of Maz’s kindness.

 

“I appreciate that, I do. But Maz, I can’t just leave you here alone with everything we still have left to do.”

 

“Rey dear, you let me worry about that. The only thing you need to do right now is get well. Besides, it’s nothing I can’t handle.” With a confident smirk, Maz left the room, presumably to retrieve that soup she mentioned from her flat upstairs.

 

While she waited, Rey sank down in her seat and rested her head. She really _did_ feel like shit. Maz was right, she needed to go home and rest.

 

A few moments later, the woman in question returned, soup in hand, and what appeared to be a letter?

 

“Is that-”

 

“Indeed it is. It seems your _boyfriend_ has sent another letter.” Rey just wanted to crawl into a hole, and hide. Maz was teasing her, she knew, and she’d never live it down.

 

“He’s not my... _you know_.” God, she couldn’t even bring herself to utter the damn word. How embarrassing. “Kylo’s only a friend, nothing more. Besides, I hardly know him.”

 

Rey knew she didn’t believe her, but what more could she say? It was the truth, after all.

 

“Mhmm whatever you say child, now let’s get going. We don’t want to be late.” Maz said, hurrying passed her. But Rey didn’t miss that knowing smirk the woman gave her.

 

* * *

 

Later, after Rey had showered and taken some medicine, she waited for her soup to finish cooking. She glanced toward the small table she’d left the letter sitting on, wondering if she should read it now, or tomorrow, when she was _hopefully_ feeling much better.

 

As the minutes ticked by, her anticipation over Kylo’s letter beginning to get the best of her, so without thinking twice, she hastily opened it.

 

Once again, she was met with Kylo’s lovely handwriting. She couldn’t believe how much she’d actually _missed_ seeing his elegant script.

 

**_Dear Rey,_ **

 

**_I feel like it may have taken me awhile to write back but it has been a rough week. I haven't done much this week, but I did try that recipe that you sent to me. It was quite lovely, thank you for that. I hope your week went well._ **

 

**_As to not unload on you, I’ll tell you about other things I did. I finally watched all of Stranger Things, that was really good. I watched all of Game of Thrones as well, which was great until the last season, which was pretty b.s. I really don’t have a social life, so sorry about how pathetic that may seem. Anyways, here’s my dog. (attached, picture of Chewie)_ **

 

At the mention of his dog, a small picture of the cutest creature ever, fell from the letter. Chewie was positively adorable! What she wouldn’t give to have a pet of her own! This picture was definitely going on her nightstand, right next to where Licorice sat.

 

**_P.S I can firmly say if you’re really bored and looking for mildly pretentious books to read The Secret History by Donna Tartt is good. I decided I needed to recommend something for you because you gave me that recipe._ **

 

Again, she was amazed at how sweet Kylo was. Rey hadn’t known him long, but she just knew he was sweet, and that he deserved the best of everything.

 

The way he spoke made her feel less alone in the world. Of course she would always have Maz, but she had a feeling that Kylo might understand her on a level no one else could. That was a comforting thought.

 

As Rey cleaned up, she knew she’d sleep well that night. And just maybe, she might dream about a mysterious, lonely man named Kylo.


	7. a depressive episode

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hi, this chapter is short, but for a reason. Ben has some issues, so Content warning for abuse, proceed with caution. I don't like going into gruesome detail about heavy topics in otherwise fluffy fics, but this is part of the reason he is the way he is. Feel free to skip if you want to. I won't hold it against you.

Some days, it was hard to get out of bed for Ben. This was one of those days. He had been doing so well, going out and doing things, making sure he was busy. Today he couldn’t even so much as get out of bed. 

 

**Phasma: Hey, I’m sorry for being cross at you the other day.**

 

**Ben closed his eyes. He couldn’t even go back to sleep. Chewie whined, got up on the bed and laid down next to him. They stayed like that for a while.**

 

**Phasma: Can you please at least open your phone and read this message so I know that you’re okay? You don’t have to reply.**

 

His phone dinged. He considered throwing it against the wall. Fuck, he really was useless today. Ben was used to having days like this before he went through therapy. He was such a disappointment. 

 

**Phasma: Ben, please.**

 

Ben opened his phone, staring at Phasma’s messages. 

 

**Ben: I’m trying to sleep, will you chill?**

 

**Phasma: Ok**

 

That’s the last that she tried to text him. He felt like such a disappointment. He wondered why he was even fooling himself, acting like he was recovered when he wasn’t. Calling himself a different name and lying to a girl across the world to seem like less of a shitty person. Ben Solo had every reason to hate himself. He was a failure.  _ “You’re a failure,” _ Snoke’s voice reverberated in Ben’s head.  _ “You’re useless, you can’t even do as you’re told.”  _

***

When a boy is abused, it goes unreported. There’s this stigma, a belief that boys can’t be vulnerable. In this stigma, predators operate and are allowed to flourish. This is where Snoke operated. Leia wanted Ben to take an internship, to get in the same line of work with her because of the passion he had. Ben didn’t have the heart to tell her that the only reason that he had a passion for politics was because he wanted his mother to pay attention to him. 

It seemed like a perfect place to be, Snoke was a former senator and a lobbyist. It was a paid internship too, and Ben was projected to go further by the time he was in his twenties. Snoke was encouraging at first, but intense. He would tell Ben that he was his favorite, and that he was a hard worker. All of the generic stuff that teenagers without father figures want to hear. 

Ben ate that shit up. He blamed himself for being stupid, for letting a man with bad intentions into his life and for not being able to speak up. The first night that Snoke had done some unspeakable things, Ben blocked it out. He just remembered coming home and slamming the door to his room. 

His uncle, Luke, had been there waiting for him with a pizza that he had bought. He knocked on the door, but Ben didn’t answer. “Are you okay, buddy?” He was never okay. He hadn’t felt okay since the day that his father died. 

“Yeah,” It took everything in him to not cry. “Just tired.” Luke brought it. 

“I’ll leave the pizza in the fridge for you,” He said. 

It took a while for people to realize that something was wrong with Ben. He started to sleep less, eat less, and threw himself into his work. It was actually his mother that sat him down. He remembered that day well. It was ninety three outside, and the humidity was seeping into everything, even though they had air conditioning inside Ben found it almost unbearable. Ben was almost out the door when Leia said, “I called in sick for you.” Ben stopped in his tracks, his stomach felt sick. 

The consequences for missing work was something that he didn’t want to experience. She was sitting in the living room, the TV was on but on low, and Leia told him to come sit on the couch next to her. “Did I do something wrong?” He asked. 

“No,” She said, “but I think that I did.” He sat down, but he wasn’t sure where the conversation was going to go. He was mentally preparing himself to bolt, but he didn’t. 

“I need to know why you stopped eating. And sleeping.” He didn’t think that she noticed that. The question caught him off guard. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” It was a deflection. Definitely a deflection. Ben had mastered those when he was young. 

“I can tell you’re not taking care of yourself, and I need to stop it before it goes in the wrong direction.” There were tears in her eyes, and all Ben could think was,  _ wow, it took you this long to notice something?  _ His mother was crying, and his reaction was anger. 

“I don’t want to work with Snoke anymore,” He said. 

“Okay, and why’s that?” He told her. He told her everything. But not because he wanted help. He told her because he wanted her to hurt, and to realize what her neglect and pushing him off on other people was putting him in worse and worse positions. The look on her face made the desire to hurt her go away though, the way that she cried that day when she realized just what he had been through made him cry too. 

She blew the whistle on him, telling Ben that the only time that he would need to see Snoke was when he testified in court against him. That would be the only time he would ever have to see him again. That day, his mother was his mother again. They cried together, and she made some phone calls, and then they watched TV together. She held him close and both of them ordered wings and pizza. 

That day, it was like he had his mother back for a short while. Like they were actually mother and son. 

***

Ben missed his mother, but he did not call her. He had learned that there were times where he just didn’t have the mental capacity to deal with her, and that he shouldn’t be interacting with her when he didn’t have the wits about him. It was about three in the morning before he got up. He immediately fed Chewie and then went to the mail, hoping to see a letter in his box waiting for him. Of course, Rey’s letter was there. He picked up the envelope and ripped it open immediately. 

 

_ Dear Kylo, _

 

_ I hope this letter finds you well. I’m glad my recipe helped you, it’s one of my favourites. I can’t say I’ve done much of anything either, outside of work, that is. Well, I did get sent home from work today because I was ill, so that’s new I suppose. Nothing serious, just a cold. But if it makes you feel any better, I don’t have much of a social life either, so we can be pathetic together. How does that sound? _

 

_ I also wanted to thank you for the reading recommendation, I will definitely check it out. Stranger Things is also one of my favourite shows! And I definitely agree with you on Game of Thrones. That last series was a complete disaster! What on earth were the writers thinking when they wrote that mess? _

 

_ And before I forget, I need to thank you for sending the photo of Chewie! Can I just tell you how utterly adorable he is? I’m sure you already know that, but I’m telling you anyway. I practically squealed as soon as I saw the photo! He really is cute. I have his photo sitting on my nightstand, actually. _

 

_ Because you seem like you need the distraction, how about I bore you with some useless (well not entirely) flower facts? So here it goes: first, did you know that flowers didn’t always exist? Crazy, right? Would you believe they first appeared 140 million years ago? And before that, ferns and cone bearing trees dominated the earth! And did you know that broccoli is actually a flower? Who would’ve thought! _

 

_ Alright, I’m done geeking out, I promise. I just thought you could use the laugh, even if it is at my expense. _

 

_ On a more serious note, I’m glad you wrote back. I mean, I knew you would, but getting your letters are the highlight of my day. And, I hope I’m not overstepping or making you uncomfortable when I say that I’m very glad to have met you and I feel safe talking to you. I’m not sure what it is exactly, but I just feel like you might be the only person to truly understand me. _

 

_ Anyways, I’m sorry if that was..weird for you. I just wanted you to know. And please, don’t forget my offer to you. It’s still open if you so choose. _

 

_ Sincerely, _

 

_ Rey _

 

_ P.S: enjoy the pressed Delphinium Hybrids & Hydrangeas! _

 

There was something about Rey’s letters that just made Ben feel better about himself. He read her letter over several times, but he was only able to muster enough energy to make sure that the dog was fed and walked before he got home and passed out on his bed again. 

He’d write her in the morning if he had the energy to. 


	8. Rey

Rey woke up in a cold sweat, gasping for air. She forced herself to take in a few calming breaths, in the hopes of slowing her rapidly beating heart.

 

This had been happening quite a lot lately. In fact she couldn’t recall when she’d last had a peaceful, full night’s rest in the past few weeks. She tried to ignore the fact that once again, she’d been rudely awakened long before her alarm was set to go off.

 

Rey pulled Licorice closer, burying her face in the familiar softness of her friend.

 

_Thank God for you, Licorice._ This bear had been with her through every bad thing that had ever happened to her. And while she knew it was probably unhealthy to cling to an inanimate object like this, Licorice was her only source of safety and comfort when she was alone. This was why she could never bring herself to part with the bear, no matter how old and raggedy it became. This bear _was_ her friend. She could remember that as a small child, she’d tell Licorice about all of her problems, and she’d always remind the bear that _“everything would be okay, we just have to be patient.”_

 

And when she was younger, she let herself believe that. But now? She knew better than to believe those childish hopes and fantasies.

 

What she hadn’t yet told anyone yet, not even Maz, was that she was being tormented by horrible nightmares. Mostly about the day she’d been abandoned by her parents, which weren’t exactly new, but lately, Plutt was becoming a regular fixture in those dreams. His neglect and abuse seemed to feature prominently now, and she couldn’t figure out why.

 

Rey hadn’t seen that man or even _thought_ of him in close to two years, since she’d moved out of that shitty environment, with the help of Maz. She had grown used to dreaming of her parents leaving her, but she couldn’t understand why _he_ was haunting her like this.

 

_Why is this happening?_ Rey felt as if she had no control over what happened in her own life, and now that she’d just started to regain some, _this_ happens? She thought she’d done a pretty good job at putting the past behind her, but evidently, she hadn’t. To say she was angry with herself, would be the understatement of the year.

 

Rey knew she should probably talk to someone about this, but who? Maz was her first option, but the woman had already done so much for Rey, that she just didn’t want to burden her any more than she had already.

 

_Kylo._

 

Perhaps she could talk to him, ask him for advice. She hoped it wouldn't be too awkward, but she had a feeling that somehow, he’d understand. Plus, she _did_ know him, and considered him a friend. It would be a lot less embarrassing than having to speak directly to a therapist, that was for sure.

 

Decision made, Rey forced herself out of bed, since sleep was no longer an option. It was half past five in the morning, which meant it was still dark out for this time of year. She still had an hour and a half before she normally got up for the day, so she decided to make herself busy, if only to keep her mind from wandering.

 

Her studio flat was tiny, but Rey loved it. It was _home._ Maz had helped her find the place, and even helped her with the deposit, and everything.

 

Her small place didn’t need much in the way of tidying up, but Rey was probably a little ocd, and therefore _everything_ needed to be in its rightful place, or she’d stress herself out. She cleaned and straightened every inch of her shelves where her small cacti currently sat, taking special care to water the rest of her flowers that took up residence there.

 

And before she knew it, it was time to go to work.

 

* * *

 

As soon as she stepped through the door of _Sweet Stems_ , Rey was met with a frantic looking Maz. The woman in question, was pacing quickly back and forth, muttering to herself. In all the years since she’d known Maz, she’d never seen her like this before.

 

It seemed that Maz hadn’t yet noticed Rey’s arrival, so she took a hesitant step forward, placing a gentle hand on the woman’s shoulder. “Maz? What’s happened?”

 

“Oh child, thank heavens you’re here! Would you mind watching the shop for me today? I’ve got plenty of things to do, things to prepare for.”

 

“Of course, but-”

 

“I’ll return within a few hours, God willing.” And with that, Maz practically ran from the shop, leaving Rey to wonder exactly what on earth had just happened.

 

As the day wore on, Rey grew agitated. Between the troubling nightmares and whatever this was, Rey wanted nothing more, than for things to return to normal. She knew it was none of her business, and Maz would tell her if she wanted whatever was going on, to be known. But what she couldn’t understand was Maz’s strange behavior, and more importantly, why she hadn’t told Rey what was happening. Normally, Maz told her pretty much everything. And until today, she’d never seen her in such a worrying state.

 

Not for the first time that day, Rey had to remind herself that it really _wasn’t_ her business. And so, Rey had no choice but to wait. If Maz wanted her to know, she’d share it in her own time. Of course, that didn’t keep the minuscule shred of annoyance that remained, at bay.

 

Rey knew full well that she was being childish; selfish, even. But if she were honest with herself, it was the frightening thought that Maz had somehow become tired of having Rey around...that she’d abandon her just like everyone else in her life had done.

 

Before she could think on it further, the sound of the bell chiming, interrupted her. She looked up to see Maz, laden with shopping bags, struggling to shut the door.

 

Without a thought, Rey rushed over to help.

 

“Thank you dear.” She said, handing some of the bags to her. Rey took them without a word, setting them down. Silently, Rey returned to her spot behind the counter “Are you alright child? You seem oddly quiet.”

 

She thought about answering with a less than truthful answer, but she needed the truth. And for that to happen, she would need to be honest about this.

 

“I’m...actually no, not really.”

 

“Oh? Tell me, what’s on your mind.”

 

“What happened earlier? You left so quickly...I was worried.” _So much for honesty._

 

The older woman smiled, “is that what this is about? I promise you, there’s no need to worry. I was just overcome with excitement, I just didn’t know what to do.” She paused for a moment, “it’s my nephew, he’s coming for a visit!”

 

Maz had once mentioned having family that lived across the pond, but Rey had the impression that they hardly ever spoke. Clearly, she was mistaken.

 

“Y-your nephew?” It was out before she could stop herself from sounding so utterly ridiculous.

 

“Oh I think you’ll love him! I haven’t seen the boy since he was about oh, four years old perhaps? But we talk through this thing he says is called an email? He’s such a nice boy, and he’s about your age, too!”

 

_Lovely._

 

Rey would need to get herself together. Maz seemed so excited at the idea of her nephew coming, and although she was feeling several conflicting emotions at once, she needed to support the woman who always had her back.

 

“That’s wonderful Maz! When does he get here?”

 

“He’ll be here in a few weeks time. But I’ll need your help to prepare for everything.”

 

“Of course, anything you need.”

 

* * *

 

When Rey arrived home later that night, she felt the stresses of the day finally sink in.

 

On top of her worrying nightmares, now she had Maz’s nephew to deal with? While she was happy for Maz, Rey couldn’t deny that what she now felt since learning of this nephew’s impending arrival, was flat out jealousy. She hated herself for feeling this way, but no matter how hard she tried, it just wouldn’t go away. She’d have to pull through, for Maz’s sake.

 

But what she really needed to do right now, was speak to Kylo. She was sure he’d know how to handle the situation. Rey pulled the letter Maz had given her right before she left, out from her bag.

 

Something about seeing his pretty handwriting, calmed her.

 

**_Dear Rey,_ **

 

**_Sorry this letter was late. Life has been fairly uneventful. I found a new place to walk my dog, it's a pretty beautiful spot, not a lot of people and a good spot to work out._ **

 

**_Yeah, I have nothing to do with me that's worth putting in this letter. My dog's getting groomed tomorrow and getting his shots, wish him luck._ **

 

**_Hope you feel better too._ **

 

**_Kylo Ren_ **

 

His letter was short, but that didn’t matter. She hadn’t been lying to him when she said his letters were the highlight of her day. He could talk about the weather, or anything really, and she’d be content to listen.

 

She was glad he seemed to be doing alright, and she loved how he always included updates on Chewie in his letters to her.

 

Rey decided she’d write him in the morning, and ask for his advice on the matters weighing her down.

 

But most importantly, she hoped that wherever Kylo was in the world, that he was indeed, alright.


	9. an old friend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> warning: very brief mention of snoke's abuse

Ben woke up with the worst headache imagineable, but in a better mood than he had been in a long time. He overslept, and that would usually mean the day was going to suck, but something was different today. He felt like he could actually get up today, and do something. He wasn’t sure what it was going to be, but he was going to do it. The day started out with him actually eating breakfast and walking his dog, something that most normal people would consider a normal thing was actually quite a feat to him. It was early when he checked the mail, smiling when he saw Rey’s letter there, waiting for him. Part of him felt bad for writing such a short letter last time, but this would be different. He’d make sure that their correspondence didn’t run out.

 

 _Dear Kylo, How are you? I hope you and Chewie are doing well._ He was actually feeling well today, and she was definitely part of the reason he was. It wasn’t exactly happiness that he was feeling, but something else. Ben Solo was feeling helpful. He went inside and put the letter down so that he could write to her later, put Chewie up and went out. He was going to do something. He had to do something. That’s when someone that hadn’t called him in quite a long time called him.

 

Poe Dameron. He wasn’t sure how he still had his number in his phone but he did. “Ben Solo speaking, how may I help you?”

 

“Hey, buddy! It’s Poe.” Ben wasn’t sure what to expect from this, but part of him felt good speaking to someone that wasn’t Phasma or Leia. Ben sat in his car, with his key in the ignition, but waiting, wondering what was going to happen.

 

“Poe! Hey, it’s been a long time since we’ve talked, how are you?” Poe Dameron was Ben’s only friend in university, his only friend during the internship, and when Ben started to spiral downwards he pushed Poe away, and Poe went away. Ben didn’t think he was ever going to talk to him again. He wouldn’t blame him either if he had decided not to talk to him again.

 

“I’m doing good, buddy. I was gonna tell you that I was in the area for the rest of the month and I was wondering if you wanted to catch up?” Ben’s heart wanted to start beating harder, anxiety attack maybe? He never did that kind of thing. He never went out in public like that, but something in him said, _you know what? Fuck it._

 

 

 

 _Does he look much different now that’s he’s been groomed? A silly question I know, but I’m curious. It’s been pretty uneventful here as well, small town and everything. Tell me, have you done anything fun or interesting lately?_ If he was going to get better, then he needed to do things that he wasn’t comfortable with. “Yeah, sure.” He said.

 

“Cool, _cool.”_ Poe said. “You free today?”

 

“Yeah, I am.” They decided that they were going to meet up at the only bar in the whole town about thirty minutes later, and Ben wasn’t sure how this was going to work. He hoped that he wouldn’t be too socially awkward and that Poe wouldn’t bring up all the shitty things that he said to him when he was having a mental breakdown. One day, Ben would apologize for those things, but he couldn’t do it today. Not today.

It was a lot better than he thought it was going to be. _I don’t know where you are exactly, but I imagine there’s much more to do there, than where I live._ Poe had ridden the same motorcycle that he had in university to get to the bar. When he saw Ben he came straight for him, “Ben! Oh my goodness, it’s so good to see you.” He said. The two of them actually hugged each other, and Ben remembered that the things in his head that told him he was a worthless piece of shit weren’t always true.

 

The two of them went inside, ordered some burgers and beers. “Sorry for the spur of the moment meeting.” He said. “I just really wanted to make sure you were doing okay.” Ben was going to steer this conversation in a different way as soon as possible.

“I’m doing a lot better,” He said. “Really, I am. And I’m sorry for not contacting you as soon as I did but I really needed to make sure that I got better,” Poe nodded in understanding. “I haven’t really done much since then.” Something told him not to tell Poe about Rey, for fear of judgment.

“Really? No new friends,”

“You know I’m not really the social type.” He said. Fuck it. Fuck it. Fuck it. “I did start this penpal thing,”

“Really?”

“Yeah, with this girl that lives all the way in England.” That got him interested. “She works at a flower shop and she just seems like the nicest person ever, you know?”

“Is it like internet penpals or-?”

“No, it’s like actual physical letters. She always has pressed flowers in her letters. It’s kind of something constant that’s helped me be motivated to do things.”

“That’s really cool.” Poe said. Ben wasn’t sure if he was silently judging him or not, but he wanted to tell someone about Rey. “She got a name?”

“Yeah, Rey.”

**

After Ben and Poe talked for about three hours, Ben left, telling Poe that he needed to make sure that his dog was okay. Poe told him that he better text him letter. Ben left feeling proud of the fact that he had actually interacted with a human being, but he also felt exhausted. He was excited to go home and cuddle with his dog some. That was the good thing. Seeing Chewie there, waiting for him when he got home. It took ten minutes for him to get up from cuddling him. “Hey buddy, good to see you too.”  
He immediately went to write a letter back to Rey, the last amount of energy he had flowing through him, making him feel pretty nervous, but in a good way. _The only thing people do for fun here, is gossip. It’s rather annoying. I wish I could go out, and travel...see new places. Would be fun I think. How about you? Do you travel? If so, what places have you visited?_ _I wish I had more to say, but I’ve been agonising over some personal matters lately, and I’m just at a loss as to what I can do to remedy the problems I’m facing. Actually, I was going to ask you for your advice, because you are the only one I can turn to, as I’m sure you’ve gathered from my letters, I don’t have any friends. Well, that’s not entirely accurate, I have you now, don’t I? Though, perhaps you could tell me if you wouldn’t mind giving advice? Please give Chewie a treat of your choosing, on my behalf. And Kylo, thank you for everything. You’ve done more for me than you realise. Sincerely, Rey PS: the plants I’ve included are Goldenrods, and the flowers are Zinnias :)_

This was the longest letter he wrote back to Rey, telling her a whole lot of things, and leaving out a lot too. This was better. He was better. He was feeling better. He spent about three hours making sure that he got everything down right, that he wasn’t scrawling his words and everything was legible.

 

**Phasma: you doing okay?**

**Ben: never better**

**Phasma: your mom wants to talk to you**

**Ben: tell her that if she really cares about my mental health she won’t talk to me until I approach her**

**Phasma: I really don’t get what the fucking problem is with you two, can’t you just move on from the past**

So much for the good mood, it was a good thing that he had finished his letter. He called Phasma. She answered. “What the fuck is your problem?” He asked.

“Well hello to you too,”

“I thought you knew how I felt but it seems that you don’t.”

“Ben, can you just quit for a minute?”

“You’re going to say that she’s my mother, that she’s my only parent left and she needs comfort, knowing her son is okay and shit. Well, guess what? Most of the time she’s never there. Most of my life, I didn’t have a mom and I had to fend for myself. I let an old ass man abuse me and sexually assault me for three years because I wanted a parental figure. I wouldn’t have done that if she was there for me. I wouldn’t have done that if she didn’t decide to mentally check out in the parent department after my dad died.”

“God fucking damn it Solo,” He heard something in the background.

“What?”

“Your mother heard that.” He wasn’t sure if he should feel bad or not. He was silent for a few minutes before he said something.

“I’m sorry that she was offended by any of that but my point stands. She isn’t obligated to any contact for me if she’s concerned about my mental health,” He hung up the phone, and then started crying. It wasn’t a cry of sadness, but one of anger. He hated feeling so damned angry all the time. Chewie whined when he saw Ben like that. “I’m okay, boy. I’m okay. It’s okay.” He flipped his phone to another message. This one from Poe.

**Poe: So I was wondering if you wanted to hang on Friday too? My boyfriend’s out of the country so I’m fucking bored.**

**Ben: I literally never have any plans what so ever so hell yeah, I’d like to hang out**

**Poe: I’ll try and plan something as introvert friendly as possible**

**Ben: Bless**

This calmed him down a little. He needed to stop being so angry.

He needed to go for a run.

***

Poe Dameron was laying in his boyfriend’s house, watching his orange and white tabby cat, BB.

 

**Finn: I got to Maz’s place safe <3**

**Poe: That’s great, babe**

**Poe: how’s it going**

**Finn: it’s going good, setting up dinner and stuff, talking**

**Finn: turns out maz has a friend/employee lol wants me to meet her**

**Poe: not trying to set you up is she???**

He bit his lip and waited for a response.

**Finn: Lol no, basic conversation, “oh her name is rey and she’s really such a sweet girl, but so so so shy. She doesn’t have a social life. If you meet her would you try making friends with her” that kind of thing lol**

**Poe: her name is Rey?**

**Finn: yeah**

**Poe: that’s interesting**

**Finn: why**

**Poe: I’m not sure if just coincidence or something so I have to confirm before I tell you…**

*******

It was a week later when Ben woke up, and had a voice message from Leia. He wasn’t going to listen to it at first but he did.

“Hey, honey.” She sounded like she was crying. “I just wanted to tell you that I don’t blame you for hating me.” Usually this would sound like a guilt trip, but it didn’t sound like one here. It sounded like genuine, genuine sadness. “I won’t be contacting you again unless you contact me, but I want to tell you that I love you very, very much. Everything that has happened, I’m not sure that I could have prevented, but I know that I certainly could have been a better mother. You needed more support, especially when Han died. I know how close the two of you were and I just – I needed to be better – but I wasn’t. I didn’t make sure that your grief was lessened and I didn’t let you know that you could talk to me whenever you needed me. I wasn’t there when you needed it. And I am sorry. I am so so sorry. Sorry cannot change the past, and I have a lot to make up for. If you want to give me a second chance, then I will not waste it, but if you don’t want to, I will understand and I will never stop supporting you. I love you.” The message ended.

And Ben felt like a piece of shit. He called back. It was her answering machine.

“Hey, mom. It’s Ben. I can’t see you right now, but in a few months, I’d really like to see you again. I’m sorry that you heard all that stuff last week. I feel really shitty about taking my anger out on you and Phasma, especially when some of my anger was directed at someone else, that I can’t be angry at anymore. Please don’t call back yet, but just know, in a few months I want to try again. Love you.” He ended the call.


	10. Rey

Often times, Rey felt like a spectator in her own life. Forced to sit on the sidelines, watching the events of her life unfold, with no amount of control whatsoever. She was always the outsider looking in. This rang especially true, as she watched Maz and her nephew Finn chat away happily. While the two seemed completely at ease with each other, Rey found herself having trouble keeping the jealousy at bay. She could say it was all due to her lack of sleep lately, but she knew that was entirely false.

 

She’d hardly said a word to him since he arrived, preferring to keep to herself. She didn’t want to intrude on their family reunion. And more importantly, she didn’t want to feed the fires of jealousy any further.

 

She had hoped to have this all under control by the time Finn arrived, but seeing them talk and laugh together so easily, did nothing to ease her fears. He'd only been here for a week, but from what Rey could tell he appeared to be quite nice, which made it all the more difficult to find an actual reason to dislike him, especially when he made Maz so happy.

 

She really had to stop being so selfish.

 

Her train of thought was rudely interrupted by a hand waving in front of her face. Rey looked up to see Finn standing there, wearing an odd smirk.

 

“Took you long enough.” That odd smirk of his now grew wider at the startled look on her face. “I’ve been trying to get your attention for at _least_ the past five minutes.”

 

Clearing her throat, she mumbled a reply. But the look on his face told her that he hadn’t heard a word she said. “Sorry, I was busy working on this bouquet order. I didn’t notice you there.” That was partially true, at least.

 

“No harm done, Rey. I get it.” She nodded, and when it seemed that Finn had nothing more to say, she returned to her work.

 

As the silence wore on, she realized that Finn had taken to casually leaning against the counter, watching her. She hated being watched, especially while she worked. It made her nervous.

 

“Was there something you needed?”

 

“There is, actually. I was wondering if you’d show me around this town of yours.”

 

_He wanted her to show him around town? Maz must’ve put him up to this._

 

“Doesn’t your aunt do that?” Realizing her words came out harsh, she apologized. “Sorry, I don’t mean to be rude, it’s just that I don’t understand why you’d waste your time with me, especially when you’re here to see your aunt.”

 

Finn nodded in understanding. “I mean yeah, of course she does. But Auntie Maz doesn’t know where all the fun places are.”

 

“And you think I do?”

 

“Oh come on, don’t tell me you never go out for a good time.” At her silence, Finn gawked at her as if the very idea was appalling. “No way. Are you really telling me that you never go out? Like at all?”

 

“No, I don’t. And I don’t see why I need to, either.”

 

“Of course, I don’t mean to imply…”

 

“Finn it’s fine, really. But if you’re looking for some fun, I’m afraid I’ll have to disappoint you further. This town is hardly what I’d call fun.”

 

“That sucks. I mean no offense, but I don’t want to be bored out of my mind for the next few weeks that I’m here.”

 

“None taken.” And then she remembered something that might be of interest. “There is a pub here, it’s called _The Library_. It’s not an actual library, but well, it’s more of a joke.”

 

Finn seemed puzzled at this, “how is that a joke exactly?”

 

For the first time since she met him, she actually cracked a smile. “Well you see it’s called _The Library,_ so that way if someone asks where you are, and you don’t want to tell them, you can just say you’re at the library, and they’ll think you’re at an actual library. That’s the joke.”

 

“Oh that’s... _smart._ ” He pulled his phone out to check the time, then turned back to Rey. “So how long till you finish that thing?”

 

“Umm...twenty minutes maybe? Why?”

 

“Because we,” he gestured between the two of them, “are going to _The Library._ ” He said, flashing a charming smile.

 

“But-”

 

“Nope, none of that. We’re going.”

 

When she finished her work, Finn practically dragged her through the door in a rush. She didn’t even have time to grab her bag.

 

* * *

 

Thirty minutes later, they were sitting in a booth at _The Library._ Finn had ordered a beer, while she went for a club soda.

 

They sat in awkward silence for awhile, neither knowing what to say. It seemed Finn’s earlier confidence had disappeared, which meant Rey would have to take control of the situation and start a conversation, if she didn’t want to spend the rest of the evening staring at the ceiling.

 

_Why did I agree to this?_

 

Not knowing what else to say, she asked the one thing that had been on her mind all night. “So, did your aunt put you up to this?” At that, Finn almost choked on his beer.

 

“What? Uh...why would you say that?”

 

“No offense Finn, but we aren’t friends. I mean, we don’t even know each other. And Maz, well, this is right up her alley.”

 

Finn seemed to deflate a little, “she didn’t _put me up_ ” using air quotes to emphasize his point, “to anything. She just sort of suggested that you could use a friend…and well, I could use one too.”

 

Of course she did. Rey wasn’t upset per se, because in all honesty, she knew Maz might have a few tricks up her sleeve. But Finn’s last words caught her attention.

 

“I’m sure you have plenty of friends. People like you always do.”

 

“People like me?”

 

“Yeah, the outgoing type. You know, popular. The type of person that others are drawn to.”

 

Finn laughed. He actually laughed.

 

“And just what is so funny to you?”

 

As his laughter died down, he spoke, “Sorry I didn’t mean to laugh...it’s just that no one’s ever described me that way before. Not even my boyfriend.”

 

 _He had a boyfriend?_ She filed that information away for later.

 

“Oh?”

 

“I mean sure, I _can_ be outgoing and all that other stuff you mentioned. But only with like, a handful of close friends...people I trust. But I’ve never been popular, and I don’t want to be, either.”

 

“That’s understandable.”

 

“Yeah, but my friends...they’re all back home and I’m here. So I’m feeling out of it.”

 

And just like that, she felt guilty. She had written him off and ignored him, simply because she thought he was taking her place in Maz’s life.

 

“Finn, I think I owe you an apology.” So Rey explained everything. She hadn’t meant to word vomit all over him, but it happened anyway. For his part, Finn was more than understanding, even going so far as to tell her that all his aunt ever talked about, was Rey. That made her smile, at least.

 

Needless to say, the night ended on a better note than she had expected.

 

* * *

 

On her way home, Rey stopped at the shop to pick up her things that she’d left behind. Sitting neatly atop her bag, was none other than Kylo’s letter. Maz must have put it there for her after she and Finn left.

 

With nervous excitement coursing through her, Rey walked home as quickly as she could. Kylo’s letter was just what she needed. Once inside, she tore it open.

 

**_Dear Rey,_ **

 

**_This has been a long few weeks but I feel bad for not writing you a longer letter last time. I was feeling extremely depressed and I think it showed in my writing, so I will try to make up for it here. I saw a friend that I haven’t seen in a very long time. I am not much of a people person, and I thought for the longest time that the two of us wouldn’t be friends anymore because of the time that we had spent away from each other, but we met up and it reminded me that I actually have a personality._ **

 

**_I’m not sure if that’s the best way to describe it, but you know when you’re alone for so long and used to being alone, and you don’t really know what you’re like interacting with other people. It’s kind of a refreshing feeling, having a positive experience socializing, even if it leaves you extremely tired afterwards._ **

 

**_I don’t think that I’ve felt this happy and productive for a while, so I’m trying to hold on to it while I can. I still have these occasional times where my depression hits again and I feel numb or angry, but the most solid feeling that I have had is one of happiness. I read three different books in the past week. Murder on the Orient Express, Flowers for Algernon, and Wicked Saints. I don’t normally read Ya (which the last one was) but I really enjoyed it._ **

 

**_I also tried to make another pie. This one was butterscotch. (two pictures attached). One was a total fail, but I made another one and it was...mediocre at best. Here’s another picture of Chewie, all groomed. He still has a shit ton of hair, but he looks a bit skinnier here I think._ **

 

**_I also bought four candles. I don’t know why but there’s a certain joy in getting things that you can A) light on fire and B) enjoy the ambience and aesthetic of. That might be pretentious but I have suddenly developed a weird love of candles and other inane house décor that I never put up around my house before. That might sound completely weird and pathetic, me not decorating things until recently, but I think that you understand that. I never had anyone to really teach me how to decorate a home or anything like that. It was always to the specifics of how my parents wanted it to be. Turns out that I’m just now finding out that I really like what I’ve done with my house. I think my dog does too._ **

 

**_I’ve impulsively bought about fifteen new dog toys, a new dog bed, and a few backyard obstacle things for him. Then I told myself I had to stop for the rest of the month because budgeting is supposed to be a thing that adults do._ **

 

**_I also watched all of Friends for the fifth time over, then there was a movie that had Keanu Reeves in it that was a romance… can’t remember the name but it was great. I know it’s on Netflix so I definitely recommend it. Are you more of a Netflix or youtube person? That’s probably a weird millenial question to ask but I’m just trying to think of more things that I don’t know about you. How are you doing?_ **

 

**_Are you okay? I saw from your last letter that you needed advice as to something, but I’m not sure what you need me to say. I can tell you that I barely have any experience with having friends either, so I am not sure that I can tell you something useful but I can definitely tell you something mediocre in usefulness. If you’re struggling to make friends over there, I can tell you that I understand. I got lucky in finding my friend at university. From what I have gathered about you from my letters I can tell that you’re the sweetest person I have ever talked to, there’s no chance that anyone would be able to deny wanting to be friends with you. You just have to put yourself out there. If it is something else you need advice on, please tell me. I can not wait to hear from you again._ **

 

**_P.S, I love the flowers and the flower facts. Keep ‘em coming._ **

 

**_Yours truly,_ **

 

**_Kylo Ren_ **

 

As she read the last few words of the letter, Rey realized she was crying for reasons she didn’t quite understand. Her heart went out to him. From Kylo’s past letters, she knew he was struggling with some things and just knowing that he was doing better, made her feel lighter.

 

Then he went and said those really nice things about her, and damn, that’s when the floodgates burst. What she couldn’t understand was why all of this made her so _emotional._ She felt a bit silly for crying over a letter, but it was so much more than that. Rey couldn’t quite put what she was feeling into words just yet, but what she did know, was that she was thankful for having Kylo in her life, even if it was only through these letters.

 

* * *

 

When Finn got settled into his aunt’s guest room later that night, he quickly texted Poe, telling him about the latest developments regarding Rey. He hated secrets, and he was itching to find out what Poe needed to “confirm.” He knew Poe would tell him when the time was right. He just hoped whatever it was, it would all come to light soon.


	11. a little nudge in the right direction

Poe Dameron had the subtlety of a landmine, but the desire to be a matchmaker like in those shitty romantic movies. This is why he really, really wanted this to work. Ben had hung out with Poe a few more times, and they even took their dogs for a walk together. Ben was really happy, and Poe was happy for him. After the fourth time meeting up with him, he asked Ben, “So, about your penpal? Tell me more.” Ben raised an eyebrow. 

“It’s boring,” 

“Your life isn’t boring, Ben Solo.” They were both waiting for their burgers. “Tell me what you know, since you seem pretty excited about this girl?” The smile that crossed his face was one of the best things that Poe had ever seen. Part of him wanted to tell Ben that he should smile more, because it was like a little miracle each time that he did. 

**

 

_ Dear Kylo, _

 

_ I’m so glad to know that you’re feeling better. I...actually cried when I read your letter. To be honest, your last letter worried me a great deal, but I was unsure how to go about asking you more. But I am beyond relieved to hear that you’re much better, and that you’re in a better place these days. And I’m happy that Chewie is well, I loved the picture of him. He is simply the sweetest looking dog I have ever seen. _

 

A smile creeped up on Ben, remembering getting the letter just this morning. The pressed flower. The lovely handwriting. It had just made his day even better than it already was. “Well, right now she’s been struggling with socialization.” Ben said.  She said that she’s never made friends, and she doesn’t know where to start because she’s never been good at it.” He started talking slowly, painting a picture of this girl that lived alone in a similar setting to Ben, except even lonelier. 

With only one person as a support system. “She’s recently been watching Outlander, and she said that she finally made a friend with someone. Finally, I don’t know who though.” 

**

Poe got his phone out and opened it under the table, and kept listening. “She doesn’t go out much either.” 

“Sounds like you two have a lot in common,” 

“Yeah,” He laughed. “There’s a lot more.” 

 

**Poe: fuck**

**Finn: ??**

 

“Does this girl got a name?” 

“Rey.” 

 

**Poe: aight hold on**

 

 They had a conversation for another ten minutes before Poe excused himself to go to the bathroom. He had learned that Ben had been signing his letters with another name. It was because he was uncomfortable with the fact that his name was so widely known. He said that when he did it he felt like such a fuck up that he never revealed his true name. But the whole time he was always true with her. Just never bringing up his mother. Good to know. That’s when he called Finn. It took a minute before he picked up. “This better be good,” Finn said. “You’re gonna eat up all my data.” 

“Yeah, yeah. Whatever. Nice to talk to you too.” Poe was starting to get a little bit excited. “So, my friend Ben Solo over here. The person he’s penpaling is named Rey and works in a flower shop and was nervous to make friends with some new person who she then finally makes friends with. Does that sound familiar?” 

“Holy shit,” 

“They’re penpalling each other.” 

“What is the coincidence for that happening?” 

“I don’t know, but I’m gonna let you go. I’m thinking up a plan. Ben needs other friends besides me and it sounds like he really likes this girl. So — we’ll see how this goes.” 

“What do you want me to do? Do you want me to ask her?” 

“Don’t bring it up.” He said. “Not yet. The thing is, he hasn’t been signing his letters with his name. She doesn’t know his real name. Ask her if she knows who the Solos are though, it’ll help.” 

“Alright, Captain.” Poe laughed, he could hear the audible eyeroll in Finn’s voice. “I’ll tell you the answer the next time I see you. Bye, love you.” 

“Love you, babe.” 

**

It took a long time for Poe to go to the bathroom. Ben just assumed he was taking a shit, because when he came back he looked overly happy. The rest of the lunch went well, and Ben went home. He reread the letter again. 

 

_ As for me, my daily routine hasn’t changed much. When I’m home, I prefer to watch Netflix...my latest obsession is Outlander. It’s a historical drama, and it has a really interesting plot. I’ve only seen the first two series’ so I have a lot of catching up to do. My poor old computer seems to be dying on me, so I don’t think I’ll be binge watching anytime soon. _

 

Part of Ben wanted to offer to buy her a new one, but that was just too far. They were just friends. 

 

_ Oh, but that does remind me of something. I had asked if you wouldn’t mind giving me advice in my last letter. And I can say, that one of my issues has been resolved. Without boring you too much, I’ll just say that I realised I was being quite selfish. I mean, there were some valid reasons behind it, but that didn’t change the fact that I was being selfish to someone who didn’t deserve it. Long story short, I may have my first real life friend! He won’t be here forever though, but I try not to think about it. _

 

Every time he heard that, he felt a little proud of Rey. She seemed so proud, it almost oozed through her letter. He loved that. But the letter got worse after that. And Ben remembered all over again that something was happening with Rey that he felt helpless about. 

 

_ The other thing...well, have you ever been tormented by your dreams? I keep having flashes of things that happened in my past, and sometimes they’re so bad that I cannot sleep. In fact, it’s been awhile since I had a good night’s rest. You’re the only one I feel safe talking to about this, and I just...don’t know what to do. I’m already starting to fall back into a depressive mode, when I’ve spent the last two years trying to forget. I just want to be somewhat normal again _ .

 

Ben definitely felt that. 

 

A lot. 

 

Every single day. 

 

It took a lot of therapy to normalize his feelings. A lot of self destructive outbursts to just get a glimmer of stable happiness. But Rey had helped him get there. He had to help her get there too. 

 

_ Give my love to Chewie, and please take care of yourself, Kylo. You are one of the only good things I’ve got left in my life. _

 

_ Yours, _

 

_ Rey _

 

_ P.S. the pressed flowers I’ve included are an Alstroemeria (also called Peruvian lily), and a Gladiolus. _

 

Ben smiled when he held the flowers in his hand, he started putting them in a scrap book, along with her letters. He sat back, looking at each and every one he had collected. He wasn’t sure why he felt like he wanted to cry when he saw them. Maybe part of it was a momento of how much Rey had helped him through his struggles in the past few months? 

_ You are one of the only good things I’ve got left in my life.  _ Ben had his phone in his hand, there was really only three contacts in his phone. Phasma. Poe. And Leia. 

Leia.

“Shit, Chewie. Come here boy.” His dog emphatically jumped into his lap and sat down, it was like he almost instantly shut his eyes to take a nap. Ben smiled and pet him for a good ten minutes before he dialed her number. 

He didn’t even have to dial a second time, she answered. She sounded relieved. “Hey, sweetie.” 

“Hey, mom.” He said. There was a silence between the two of them before she broke it. 

“Is everything okay?” 

“Yeah,” He said, “I’m actually doing really good. For the first time in a while.” 

“That’s really good.” 

“I just wanted to ask you if you wanted to have lunch with me? Next —” 

“I can be there tomorrow if you want.” 

“Are you sure? I know that you’re busy,” 

“I’ll clear my schedule.” Ben took in a sharp breath. She had to fly all the way out here and find a hotel too. “How about Friday?” It was Tuesday right now. 

“Done.” She said. “Is there anything else?” 

“How are you doing?” Leia took a deep breath in when he asked that, her breath wet and shaky when she let it out. 

“I’m doing better,” She said. “I like listening to your voice.” 

“Thanks,” He said. 

“Yeah,” Pause. 

“Hey, Mom?” 

“Yeah?” 

“When was the last time that I told you how much I love you?”  Leia didn’t cry, but Ben could tell that she wanted to. 

“You could tell me again, if you’d like.” 

“I love you,” He said, “I love you a lot.” 

“I love you more,” She said, “you make me proud every day that you’re my son.” That’s when he started crying. She was silent for a minute before she asked, “Are you okay? Did I say too much?” 

“No,” Ben said, “no. I just didn’t know how much I needed to hear you say that.” 

“Oh,” Ben laughed a little. 

“I’ll see you next Friday.” 

“I’ll see you next Friday, Ben. Love you, honey.” 

“Love you.” He hung up the phone and took Chewie out of a walk again, came back, and took a nap. That nap ended up with him waking up the next morning. That was the day Ben started eating breakfast regularly, that was the day he got a gym membership, and went out. It was the little things that made him proud of himself. It took him longer to write his letter, but he wanted to make this a good one. Rey sounded like she needed it. 


	12. Rey

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for mentions of self harm and a suicide attempt in Ben’s letter. Feel free to skip over, if needed.

The following weekend found Rey bursting with excitement. For the first time ever, Rey _actually_ had plans like a normal person. She used to be quite envious of others her age who always seemed to have somewhere to go, _friends_ to see, fun things to do. But now, she would finally get to experience what all of that was like for herself.

 

She was to meet up with Finn at _Sweet Stems,_ and from there, the two would drive to London and spend the day checking out the city. Rey would show him around a bit, even though she didn’t really know much about the city itself, but she figured she was better than nothing. Rey had only been to London less than a handful of times, so this trip would be just as exciting for her, as it would be for Finn.

 

While Rey fussed over her unruly hair, the thought of Kylo suddenly entered her mind. She wanted to tell him all about her adventure, more about her new friend, everything. She couldn’t explain where the overwhelming need to share everything with him had come from. Normally, she’d be content to wait and receive a response from him first, but all Rey wanted to do now, was grab a pen and a piece of paper, and write a letter just for this. If it weren’t for the fact her phone started buzzing, she probably would’ve done just that.

 

It was a text from Finn, asking where she was at. And that’s when she realized she was running late. The drive to London was an easy two and a half hour drive one way, which was precisely the reason they chose to leave early in the morning. With one last glance in the mirror, Rey grabbed her things and left.

 

As soon as she entered the shop, Rey was engulfed in a hug. From the shorter stature, she knew it was Maz.

 

“Oh child, how are you this morning? Have you had breakfast yet?”

 

Rey smiled, “I’m excited! And I think we were just going to eat on the road to save time.”

 

“Oh Finny said the same thing. Kids these days…” Rey held back a laugh. “Just make sure you both call me, and let me know as soon as you get there. I want to know you’ve arrived safely.”

 

Maz had hardly finished speaking, when the sound of someone barreling down the stairs caught their attention. “Rey! There you are!” The excitement in Finn’s voice brought a smile to her face.

 

“Yep, just got here.”

 

“Good. I hope I saved you before she,” gesturing toward his aunt, “went into full protective mode on you.”

 

“Too late.”

 

Maz lightly smacked Finn’s arm with a laugh, “I’ll let that slide, so long as you both take lots of pictures and keep in touch while you’re out and about.”

 

“Of course we will.” Rey smiled, and leaned in for another hug.

 

“Be safe dear. And you,” calling her nephew, “make she eats a full meal.”

 

“You got it auntie.”

 

“Hey! I’m right here!”

 

“Alright, off with you both.” And without another word, Finn took her hand and practically skipped out the door with excitement.

 

* * *

 

Ten hours later, Rey was utterly exhausted and sore. They’d walked all over the city, hitting almost every tourist attraction they could think of. They visited the SEA LIFE London Aquarium, The British Museum, and Buckingham Palace, just to name a few. It was a day full of fun, and although she wanted nothing more than to crawl into bed, she wouldn’t have changed it for the world.

 

Rey sat on a bench eating her popsicle while she waited for Finn, who was currently taking _more_ selfies. If she had to guess, he’d taken at least a hundred selfies by now.

 

A moment later, Finn plopped down next to her with an exhausted smile. “Today was perfect Rey, thanks! I can’t wait to share these pictures with Poe. He’s gonna be so jealous when he sees all this!”

 

“Anytime.” Finn’s cheerful mood had a way of making her forget how tired she was.

 

“You know I’m glad I was able to take time off work to visit my auntie. I’ve been promising to visit her for years, but life got in the way, and I wasn’t able to come like I’d planned. But I’m finally at a place in my life where things are settled, and I can do these things.”

 

“I’m glad for that. I know Maz was beyond excited for you to come. You should’ve seen her, she practically turned the whole shop upside down once she knew you were coming!”

 

“Yeah, that sounds like her alright…” He trailed off, a distant look on his face.

 

“Everything okay?”

 

“Hm? Oh yeah, I just miss Poe is all. I don’t think we’ve been apart this long before.”

 

Her heart went out to him. She knew what it was like to miss someone, even if you’ve never actually _met_ that someone.

 

“You know, you’ve never told me how the two of you met. I want all the details.” She teased, hoping to pull her friend out of his sadness.

 

At that, his face lit up. “Well _that,_ is quite the story. First thing you should know, is that I’m a Veterinarian. I always wanted to do something that would help make a difference and I prefer animals over most people anyway, so this was perfect for me.” He paused to make sure she was still listening, so he continued. “So one day while I’m at work, this guy comes in with his sick cat, named BB. I remember the name, because I thought it was a strange name for a cat, but I digress.”

 

Rey held back a laugh.

 

“So anyway, he comes in with BB, and while I’m examining the cat, I notice him kinda staring, but not. You know what I mean? So we get to chatting a little bit, and he tells me his name is Poe. Then he gives me his number.”

 

“Just like that?”

 

“Just like that. And then later on, I’m texting my friend Rose, about this cute guy who gave me his number, and then guess what happened.”

 

“What happened?”

 

“It turned out, my dumb ass had been texting Poe the entire goddamn time. I tried to play it off, but damn was I embarrassed. But, it all worked out in the end, because that accidental text led to a date, and the rest is history.” He finished, pleased with himself.

 

“Wow, that sounds like something straight out of a movie! That’s incredible, actually. I’m happy for you.”

 

“So what about you?”

 

“What about me?”

 

“You got a boyfriend? A cute girl like you must have someone.”

 

She didn’t have anyone except... _Kylo._ And why was he the one that came to mind at the mention of a boyfriend?

 

“Umm, no, I-uh I don’t have one right now.”

 

Finn gave her a scrutinizing look, “I don’t know If I believe that.”

 

“What, but I-”

 

“Relax Rey, you don’t have to tell me now. I’m a patient guy.” That familiar smirk of his was back in place. “Anyway, Poe tells me he’s reconnected with an old friend of his since I’ve been here. Poe and Ben used to be pretty tight, so I’m glad they’re talking again. Ben’s a nice guy, I think you’d like him. You know Ben’s mom is that high profile senator, Leia Organa Solo.”

 

Wait. Did he just say what she thought he said?

 

“You’re joking, aren’t you? Because I refuse to believe that you’ve been sitting on this information for who knows how long, when you _know_ I’m one of Leia’s biggest supporters!”

 

Finn laughed at that, “of course I’m not joking, and how was I supposed to know that? Poe was practically part of their family at one point. I met her like once or twice too. She’s great.”

 

“She’s great,” repeating his words slowly with air quotes, “well of course she’s great! Leia’s only the most kickass politician there is in the US right now. And I _hate_ politics as a rule, but she’s made me reconsider.”

 

“I promise you, I had no idea you were such a fangirl.”

 

“I’m not a...okay yeah maybe.”

 

“I’ll tell ya what, if you ever come to visit yours truly, I’ll see if Poe can arrange a meeting.”

 

“Deal.”

 

* * *

 

As the two walked through the front door of _Sweet Stems,_ they were met with the sight of an unfamiliar looking parcel sitting neatly on the counter that hadn’t been there earlier.

 

Maz rounded the corner, “Oh you’re both back! Thank heavens!” She exclaimed, hugging them both.

 

“We’re back safe and sound auntie, and we’ve got loads of pictures to share with you.”

 

“That’s all I could ever ask for.” She said giving their hands a squeeze. “Oh, this is for you Rey.” Gesturing toward the parcel. “Your boyfriend seems to have sent you some goodies this time ‘round.”

 

Rey wanted to die at the pointed look Finn was giving her.

 

“He’s not my boyfriend. He’s-Kylo’s a pen pal, okay? Yeah, I have a pen pal, and we exchange letters.”

 

“This seems like a whole lot more than just a letter…” Finn said, as he examined the package that he’d somehow picked up without her noticing.

 

“I’ll take that.” Rey snatched it out of his hand, before he could scrutinize it any further. “I had a wonderful time today, thank you. But I’m beyond tired, so I think I’m gonna head home and sleep.”

 

Maz and Finn exchanged a knowing look that Rey pretended she didn’t see. They knew she wanted to get home just so she could open her package away from prying eyes.

 

“Alright dear, do be safe.”

 

“G’night Rey, I’ll be looking forward to the explanation.” He said with a wink. She didn’t have to ask to know Finn was referring to the parcel in her arms.

 

She raced home as quickly as possible. As soon as the door locked behind her, she set the package on her bed to have a look at it. It looked like any other package one might receive, but this wasn’t just any other package. This was from Kylo.

 

Not wanting to wait any further, she opened the box. Inside was what looked to be a mixtape CD wrapped in a plastic case, complete with a hand drawn picture of a red poppy, and blue orchids. And when Rey realized that he had specifically chosen these two flowers for a reason, she felt her eyes start to water. On the back, there was also a small note written in Kylo’s familiar script that read, **_“I hope you like these, but no hard feelings if you don’t.”_ ** How could he possibly think she wouldn’t like anything _he_ chose for her? No one outside of Maz, had ever cared about what Rey wanted, or needed.

 

As she struggled to keep herself from getting too emotional, she noticed two books sitting neatly in the box. She took them out, noting that one of them was _Eleanor & Park, _ and the other was _Me Before You._ Both looked like they were going to be perfect choices for her. There was also a small candle that had the most beautiful scent, and finally, at the bottom of the box, sat Kylo’s letter, which looked to be a few pages long.

 

Bracing herself, she opened the first page, once again greeted with his elegant writing.

 

**_My Dearest Rey,_ **

 

**_Sorry if this letter comes to you a bit later than usual, but your last letter concerned me a bit and I wanted to make sure that I spent the proper time responding to this. I have plenty of experience with depressive episodes and night terrors, and it's not easy. It's really not. If it did I might be in a lot different place than I am today. The only thing I can tell you is to count the good things in your life, no matter how small. The flower shop. The friend you made. The things you enjoy. Count them every day, and when you get up, make sure that you do something that involves one of those things on your list._ **

 

**_Depressive episodes suck, and they take time. Sometimes they just suck the life out of you and you think that you can never get back up because of the energy that they just deplete from you. Sometimes it makes you feel embarrassed because you had been doing so well getting away from your last depressive episode. That was something I had to cope with a lot. I'm about to tell you something that I haven't ever told anyone else. A lot of the gory details about my mental illness are down below, and I am not telling you this so you can feel pity for me, but because I think maybe it'll help you._ **

 

**_When I was a kid, my father died. It was a horrible thing really, and everything started to go downhill from there. Writing it down on paper brings back memories that aren't great. My dad wasn't always the best dad. He struggled with alcoholism and was absent a lot, but my mother gave him an ultimatum when she thought I was asleep. She told him that if he didn't get clean he would never see me again. I remember staying up one night, thinking that I was never going to see my father again. But he got clean. He got clean and started paying more attention to me before he died. I told him everything, and before he died both me and my mother were happy._ **

 

**_When he died, both me and my mother were hit by a train, but in different ways. I started to close in on myself, that was the thing that was similar with her. But where I grieved openly for a long, long time, she just stopped. After a week it was like he never even existed. Some days she would still cry in her bedroom and I would hear her, but she would never talk to me about it. She would pretend that I was hearing things when I asked her why she was crying. I thought that I couldn't talk to anyone about the fact that I was struggling, I had to keep it inside. So after my father died, I started self harming. Not in the way where you could see visible scars and cuts, but in the way where I would purposefully burn myself on the Bunsen burner in science class (that was a stupid one, I still have a very light scar that's hard to see on my arm), and I would fall and pretend to be clumsy to get bruises. I also stopped eating._ **

 

**_I thought that I was constantly drowning in this deep dark hole, and I would never be able to get out. Then I met my friend from university, he's a bit of a jerk and a know it all but he and his boyfriend were actually the first people I met that really cared. For a small time, I was starting to crawl out of that hole due to their kindness. I felt like I had friends, meanwhile, when I tried to tell my mother that I was actually socializing with people and not a complete loser, she wouldn't care. She was too busy with work, and it hurt. She got me enrolled in this paid internship under a man that -- let's just get right to the chase -- he was abusive. And I was right back in that hole again._ **

 

**_I felt like I couldn't tell my mother about it because she wouldn't listen, and I was still desperate for a father figure. I could list all the things he did to me, I could tell you about how much of a cruel man he was, but I want to tell you everything else instead. I want to tell you that I learned how to survive. It was hard and long of a road to be on._ **

 

**_I tried to kill myself._ **

 

**_I swallowed a bunch of pills and did some other things I'm not proud of. One of the worst feelings I will always remember was the fact that my friend was the one that found me. One of the worst feelings I remember was starting to drift off and regret everything that I had done. Thinking that I would never be able to come back from this moment._ **

 

**_Then I did._ **

 

**_I was in therapy for a very, very, very long time. It almost seemed like it was forever. I wasn't very good in group therapy, but I was great in one on one. I was able to pinpoint why I did some of the things I did, and then I got out. My mother still wasn't there the day I was going home from the mental hospital that I was getting out of. That brought back a whole bunch of memories that I didn't want to have. I was supposed to leave the past behind, kill it, if I had to. It brought back old bruises, a colorful mess of colorful regrets, and just every single insecurity that I had ever had. It was not a good feeling in the slightest._ **

 

**_Here is the first thing that brought me out of my latest depressive episode:_ **

 

**_You._ **

 

**_You brought me out of this depressive episode, you gave me something to do and made me feel like I wasn't so alone in the world. I also had my dog, but that's not the point, it was you. Just being able to look forward to your letters and your flowers was the best thing in the world. I honestly cannot tell you how much waking up and knowing that I can talk to someone who knows what I feel like is like. I cherish each and every letter that I write to you, and I feel connected in a way to you. Is that weird? Probably. I didn't mean that in a creepy way._ **

 

**_Anyway, why did I tell you my whole story?_ **

 

**_To illustrate the fact that this episode you are slipping into is not going to last forever, and you are not going to stay stuck in it forever. I will stay here with you if I have to and pull you up when you need it. I feel that you need to know how strong you are, how kind and resilient and just all around amazing you are. Your personality is like what I imagine sharing a warm blanket with someone is like._ **

 

**_I was never interested in flowers before I started talking to you, and now everywhere I go, every flower I see I look and think of you._ **

 

**_Ok, enough of the sappiness. I have been talking to my friend a lot more recently, and going out a lot. Also got a gym membership recently. Working out is honestly one of the best things I've done to get my mind off of things. I also started talking to my mother again by the way, we both have a lot of regrets and a lot of things that we have said to each other that has stung, but she cleared her schedule and is meeting with me this Friday. I'll tell you how it goes later._ **

 

**_I have some questions for you. What is your new friend like? Also, I'm not sure if you've told me what style of music you listened to, but what's your favorite band/artist? (The only reason I ask is, that I got a lot of time on my hands and I put some music on a CD enclosed in here that I thought you might like. I've always wanted to make a mixtape for someone like in the movies but have never gotten to. I don't know if you'll like it but I really really hope you do.) What is your absolute favorite flower? Like if there was only one flower in the world, what flower would you never stop appreciating?_ **

 

**_Also consider this letter more of a care package than just a letter. Things I'm enclosing, and you can't feel guilty that I'm gifting you these things because I really want to brighten your day just a little bit, a book I read recently. Actually, screw that, two books I've read. The first is Eleanor and Park. The second one is Me Before You. You might find little sticky notes where I've written things I've liked about the books in them, just themes, and yes I am totally a hopeless romantic. I really really liked these books, and I'm secure enough in my manhood to say I cried a few times._ **

 

**_You will also find a candle that I found smells like that pie recipe you sent me so long ago. I thought it looked cute and bought two._ **

 

**_Finally, you will find a fifty dollar amazon gift card and before you complain about me spending too much money on a giftcard, it was originally supposed to be for me from my mother's secretary as a "yay you got out of a mental hospital gift" but I have my own money, so I want you to have it instead._ **

 

**_Not saying that you don't have your own money, I'm sure you do. Sorry, that sounded rude. I can't rewrite that because it's in pen. Oops. Just use it to buy things you want. Please. That's all I ask. Also, go do some things you've never done before with your new friend. See the town, explore, look up some things on Yelp and just go around with and have fun. You really deserve it._ **

 

**_Just promise me that you won't isolate yourself. I've done that too much and don't want you to do the same thing._ **

 

**_Oh, here's another picture of my dog. I got him a little pool because it's getting kind of hot over here._ **

 

**_Yours Truly,_ **

 

**_Kylo_ **

 

**_P.S I'm proud of you for making a friend. I really am._ **

 

As Rey finished reading, she held onto the gift card and the picture of Chewie that had fallen from the letter for dear life. She was shaking, and sobbing uncontrollably. So many things were going through her mind, she could hardly keep up. Suddenly her problems seemed so minuscule compared to everything he’d just told her, and for a moment, she felt silly for bothering him with it. He’d been through _so_ much, and overcome so much hurt and tragedy.

 

But he trusted her with such delicate information, and she didn’t know what she’d done to deserve that trust. Rey wished more than anything that she could give him a hug and tell him she would always be there for him.

 

She also wanted nothing more than to kill the bastard who dared lay a finger on him, and put him through hell. But since that was unfortunately out of the question, she’d settle for protecting Kylo’s heart, in whatever way possible.

 

* * *

 

As Finn thought about Rey’s mysterious _pen pal,_ and everything Poe had told him, the pieces started coming together. There was just _no way,_ this was a mere coincidence. Without wasting another second, Finn pulled his phone out to text Poe.

 

**Finn: Babe, you’re never gonna believe what I’m about to tell you**

 

**Poe: it’s 4am, this better be good**

 

**Finn: oh trust me, it is ;)**


	13. A Reunion

**Finn: Babe, you’re never gonna believe what I’m about to tell you**

**Poe: it’s 4am, this better be good**

**Finn: oh trust me, it is ;)**

Poe smiled, almost giddy. It was weird, setting up your best friend with someone. But this could work. This could really work. 

**Finn: He sent her a whole package**

**Poe: omg really**

**Finn: like with gifts and everything**

**Poe: god, fuck we need to get them to meet**

**Finn: im invested in this now**

**Poe: me too, just give me another week**

*****

**Ben: hey, phasma**

**Phasma: yeah**

**Ben: sorry for being a dick all those times**

**Phasma: I was a bitch too, hope ur reunion with your mom goes well**

*****

 

If Ben Solo had said that he didn’t spend the days leading up to meeting up to his mother listening to Taylor Swift and on the verge of an anxiety attack, he would be lying. He wished that another letter would come to the door and calm his door, but no letter came. Had he overshared with Rey? He didn’t know. It was coming time for Ben and Leia to meet at the designated restaurant that Ben had chosen. Ben had reserved a private room that was usually used for small parties so the both of them could talk. Now he was regretting that decision. He decided to call Poe up. The first time he didn’t answer, and Ben didn’t bother to try again. He ran for about thirty minutes before coming back to the house to a text. 

**Poe: sorry, slept in, you ok?**

**Ben: i’m meeting up with my mom for lunch**

**Poe: What? Really**

**Poe: holy shit that’s big, i know you two aren’t on the best of terms**

**_Ben is typing…_ **

**_Ben is typing…_ **

**_Ben is typing…_ **

**Ben: Yeah except now Im freaking out because im second guessing myself and i dont know if im ready and i feel like a big pos for not feeling ready**

**Poe: Ben, I will meet you at your house and keep you company in your car until we get there**

**Poe: if you need me for moral support**

**Poe: i can just get a lyft back home**

**Ben: you’d do that**

**Poe: hell yeah man**

*****

Ben was already writing another letter to Rey. One that he was never going to show her. 

 

_ My Dearest, Rey _

 

_ I feel like I’ve lied to you in some small way, and I really don’t want to lie to you. You’re the last person I want to lie to.  _

_ * _

Leia hadn’t been off work in a long time, but she deserved this. Nothing bad was happening in the Senate, (for once), and she had the time to fly to see Ben. God, part of her wanted to vomit. She had been so negligent, made excuses, said that Ben was really fine when he wasn’t. She feigned ignorance when she should have been taking care of her boy. 

Would he ever forgive her for everything she’d done? Ben had texted her the address of the restaurant he’d wanted to meet up at when she got to the hotel, but hadn’t texted her back after she told him that she was excited to see him. 

Was he just doing this to placate her? Did he really want to see her? Was he as scared as she felt that she was? There were so many questions that she had, but she would support her son in anything that he wanted to do. She got everything ready in her hotel room as she waited. Checking the date and her clock multiple times. 

**Phasma: miss im going to suggest you settle down**

**Phasma: im not even there and I can feel the nervous energy radiating off you**

**Leia: what if something goes wrong and Im late and he gets upset**

**Phasma: if you run late in traffic just call him and tell him, he’s a big boy, it’s already a big thing that you’re here, he’ll understand**

**Phasma: im excited for the both of you**

That made sense. She hadn’t seen her son in so long that she guessed that she was just paranoid, going through every scenario that could go wrong. Murphy’s Law was a thing after all. She had to do her best to be calm though. This was her son, he deserved that from her. The two days Leia stayed at the hotel before she went to go meet her son, it was hard for her to get out of bed. She felt so, so scared. On the day of, she got up early though, took a shower, got dressed and waited. 

She had to wait.

*

When Ben and Poe got to the restaurant Poe let out a low whistle, “Damn. Sometimes I forget that you’re rich, buddy.” Ben guessed that it was fairly upper class, but well priced for a higher end restaurant, and again they had private rooms. “You good?” Ben stared at the restaurant for a minute, feeling like he was going to throw up. 

“Yeah,” He said, “yeah. Gonna do this.” 

“Good,” The two of them got out and Poe stepped out of view. 

“You got the money that I gave you?” 

“Yeah.” Poe said. 

“I’m going in,” Ben sat in his place for a minute before the both of them finally got out of the car and parted ways. Poe wished him luck and Ben enterred the restaurant. “Reservation for two,” He tried to keep his calm as he spoke to the waitress. “Solo?” She nodded and found the reservation. Ben looked at his phone. Four minutes early. 

“Yes, your room is ready if you want to come with me. Is the other member of your party on their way?” 

“Yes.” At least, he hoped so, still he was early. He was just about to go when he heard a very familiar voice behind him. 

“Ben?” Ben turned around to see his mother there. 

“Mom,” 

*

Leia waited until after they had ordered their food and the doors to their private room were shut to hug him. It had been such a long time. She hadn’t even asked him if he wanted a hug from her, but she needed it so badly. “Sorry,” She said as she sat back down. Ben was actually smiling, albeit nervously. 

“It’s fine,” He said, “it’s fine.” She could feel his leg shaking underneath the table. “I missed you,” He was the first one who said it, not her. That was something she didn’t expect, but god it was something she wanted to hear. She almost started crying. 

Almost. 

She had to keep it together. “I missed you too,” She told him, “although I guess I don’t have a right to say that, after some of the things that I’ve done.” 

“You do,” Ben said. 

“I’m sorry that this took such a long time to happen,” 

“Me too,” 

Leia tried to shake herself out as drinks were brought in and the waitress said that their food would be ready shortly. When she left Leia resumed her thoughts, “I want you to tell me everything that’s happened. Everything that you’re feeling. I just want to know it all.” 

*

It was something that Ben had wanted to hear for a very long time, and when she said it, it almost hit him like a truck. His mother was here. She was there in front of him, she wasn’t going to be interrupted by her job. She was fully focused on him, so Ben started talking. “Where do you want me to start?” 

“Wherever you want,” Leia told him. So Ben started with the day he went back home after getting out of the mental hospital, of how it felt to be reunited with Chewie, and about how he wasn’t sure that he was going to make it through that first week. “But the thing is, I really wanted to get better.” He said. “Because I didn’t want…” He cleared his throat “... I didn’t want Snoke to get what he wanted. I didn’t want him to make me feel small or insignificant anymore and I um… I didn’t want to disappoint Dad.” That’s when the both of them started crying. Leia’s tears started coming first, they were silent, but got more intense. “And I didn’t want you to be alone either, even though I was mad at you for some stuff. My therapist told me that I needed to get a penpal.” 

“Oh really?” 

“Yeah, um, I wasn’t too great with group stuff and since I was really insistent on not going out, he said that it would still be a good way to talk to someone, and I really needed to talk to someone. I didn’t know how good it would be to do such a thing, but it was just the best thing ever.” He talked about Rey with precaution, because part of him still wanted Rey to be just his. He would tell her later, if it ever came up in conversation again. 

He told his mother how correspondence with this girl across the ocean had made him feel more confident, how he reunited with Poe Dameron, how he had been teaching himself how to cook and doing stuff that he’d never done before. When he was done, he heard another thing that made him start crying, “I’m so proud of you, Ben. I really am.” 

*

**Poe: you should ask rey if she wants to come over to the states with you sometime**

**Poe: it doesn’t have to be right now, obv**

**Poe: and you don’t actually have to ask her**

**Poe: just talk about it,, plant the seed in her head**

*****

They talked for hours, barely eating their food, but finally talking about a lot of things that needed to be talked about. Ben told Leia that he loved her, he called her Mom, he hugged and told her that he would call at least once a week when she wasn’t busy, and then the two of them parted ways. She told him that she would make more time for him, and Ben believed it. When he drove back home, he cried. But not because he was sad, but because he hadn’t realized just how much he needed to see his mother. And then when he pulled up to his house, he saw a thick envelope waiting for him. He grabbed it excitedly and went in the house, greeting Chewie and letting him in the backyard before ripping open the envelope and seeing a letter as well as a small souvenir of Big Ben. 

The goofiest grin crossed his face. 

 

_ My Dearest Kylo, _

 

Why did his heart flutter whenever he read her handwriting. Why? He wasn’t sure. He was relieved that her last letter hadn’t scared her off though. 

 

_ I don’t think I can properly articulate how your last letter made me feel. Not in a negative way, I promise. The fact that you trusted me enough to share the darkest parts of your life, means more to me than you’ll ever know. I realise that I can’t do much from where I am, but please know that I will always be there for you no matter what. I mean that. You’ve become such an important part of my life, and I cannot bear the thought of you ever hurting or feeling alone in the world, because you aren’t. I need you to know that. _

__

‘You’re important.’ There was something about hearing that from her that made him even more happy. 

 

_ I feel it’s important for me to also tell you how much of an impact you’ve made in my life. Before I met you, I was an anxiety riddled mess who refused to step out of my safe zone. I had a strict routine that I never ever broke from, because I was afraid. I was afraid to try anything new, I was afraid I’d be rejected just like I had been all my life. I suppose that’s really the root of it. When my parents abandoned me, I believed I’d done something to deserve it. I mean, why else would my parents just discard me like I was garbage on the street? That feeling only grew worse when I was with my foster family. I won’t go into specifics, but I was neglected and abused under his care. When I tried to speak up and get help, no one believed me. Due to all of this, I learned that I was the only one who could protect me, because no one else would. So I’ve gone my entire life believing that if I closed myself off from everyone, that I could protect myself because no one else cared to protect me when I needed it most. _

 

_ I’ll be honest, it’s still a struggle most days. Sometimes I think this will always be with me, and that saddens me. But ever since I’ve met you, it’s started to become a little easier. You make me feel like I’m actually worth something, like I’m needed...wanted, even. You’ve also given me courage and strength to let others in, and because of you, I gained a new friend. And I know that if I hadn’t met you, I never would’ve stepped out of my safe zone to do it.I’m not telling you this so we can compare stories of our sad childhoods. I just really wanted you to understand not only what you’ve done for me, but I really needed you to know how important you are to me. I get the feeling you aren’t told that enough, and you should be. _

 

As Ben read, he wished that he could talk to her face to face. He had a feeling that the two of them could talk for hours on end without getting bored of each other. But she was all the way across the sea, and probably never planning on coming to America any time soon. Plane tickets were expensive, customs were a bitch to get through, and no one wanted to come to America because of the current state of politics. Although, perhaps the United Kingdom wasn’t doing that great either on that regard. Still — the point stood. He wanted her here, and that probably wasn’t going to happen. 

 

Then there was the other problem about actually talking to her face to face. He had been using this fake name the entire time, didn’t tell her his real name, and expected her to trust him? It made me feel gross thinking about it, but he was too scared to tell her his actual name. Too scared that she’d get pissed at him and never write another letter to him again.    
  


_ I’m not telling you this so we can compare stories of our sad childhoods _

 

_. I just really wanted you to understand not only what you’ve done for me, but I really needed you to know how important you are to me. I get the feeling you aren’t told that enough, and you should be. _

 

_ So on a lighter note, I want to tell you about my new friend. I took him to London to show him around a bit, and it was so much fun! I never knew having a friend could be like this. He’s so easy to be around, and he always finds a way to make me laugh. Actually, I think you’d like him a lot. Funny thing though, I hadn’t told him about you when we were in London. So when we returned, your parcel (which is another thing I’ll get to in a moment) was there waiting for me. He wanted to know everything! In fact, he’s still waiting for an “explanation,” and I have no idea what to tell him, because I’m sure he won’t believe me. He thinks I’m hiding something, which I’m not haha. _

 

_ And about your parcel? I have to tell you that it’s the best gift I’ve ever received! I can’t thank you enough! Honestly I’ve never received anything so nice and thoughtful before, so I didn’t know what to do with it at first! As for the gifts, I’m in love with the books you chose. I’m already halfway through Me Before You, and I can’t wait to start reading the next one! I’m sacrificing sleep just to read, that’s how much I love it! The candle smells lovely, in fact I have it sitting next to my bed right now. I’ve been listening your CD as well, and honestly I just feel at peace when I listen to it because it makes me think of you.  _

A little wave of relief flooded Ben when he realized that she liked the gifts that he had sent her. He hoped that he wasn’t going too overboard in that sense, but he didn’t know because he had never done that sort of thing before. 

 

_ I’ve also added Chewie’s latest photo to my collection.  _

 

She kept the photos he sent her? That warmed his heart. 

 

_ Yes, I keep every photo you send to me. As for the gift card, I’m thinking of putting it toward a tablet? I haven’t quite decided yet, but I’ve wanted a tablet for such a long time, but I was never able to get one because they’re not exactly low-cost. But now I can, and that’s exciting! _

_ And while I was in London, I decided to get something for you. By no means will it compare to everything you’ve just given me, but I wanted you to have a little piece of me with you. Okay, I’m writing this in pen so I can’t edit that out, but I hope you know what I was meaning to say there. Anyway, it’s a small Big Ben souvenir. I figure you could put it somewhere in your house, and whenever you see it, you’ll think of me and be reminded that you’re not alone. _

 

_ Oh! I almost forgot to answer your questions! So here it goes: for music, I don’t really have favourites. I can listen to anything really. That’s probably a very boring answer, but it’s true. As for flowers, I love them all, but if I had to choose my absolute favourite? That would be the hibiscus. It’s just so beautiful and exotic. _

 

_ So along with Big Ben, I’ve sent you some more pressed flowers: a few Morning Glories, some White Clovers, and a couple of Sunflowers. I wonder, have you figured out the hidden meanings behind the flowers I choose? _

 

_ Yours, _

 

_ Rey _

 

After he read the letter, he clutched the souvenir she gave him and sat in the kitchen for a bit. He was too tired to cry. The day had been so emotionally draining that he wasn’t sure that he had it in him. Ben could feel himself start to fall as he read over her words again, and again, and again. It made his stomach twist into knots and his breath feel short, and for a second he thought that there was something medically wrong with him. But that wasn’t it. 

 

**Ben: fuck**

**Poe: what**

**Ben: I got another letter from my penpal**

**Poe: isn’t that a good thing?**

**Ben: yeah it is**

**Ben: nvm**

**Poe: dude what is it**

**Poe: also how was the thing with ur mom**

**Ben: great**

**Ben: and I’m just...not used to people**

**Poe: wym?**

**Ben: we have a lot in common and**

**Ben: its crazy bc ive never met her but like**

**Ben: I wish she was here rn you know?**

**Poe: that’s rough buddy**

**Poe: but i get u**

**Poe: i miss my bf**

**Poe: maybe you’ll meet her someday**

 

The thought of meeting Rey made him both scared and excited, it was a weird mix of emotions. 

 

**Ben: she’s probs way out of my league**

**Poe: will you shut up, you shy slut, you’re hot**

 

Ben laughed, Chewie looked up at him, giving him the dog equivalent of raising an eyebrow. 

 

**Ben: where did shy slut come from**

**Poe: just tryin to make u laugh**

**Ben: it worked**

**Poe: good**

**Poe: now, you need to stop being so hard on yourself**

**Poe: and write her back, after that, go to bed, it’s been a long day**

 

That was sound advice if he had ever heard any before. 

  
  



	14. Rey

In the days that followed, Rey found herself impossibly distracted. Her mind seemed to be everywhere else except the present, which made it quite difficult to concentrate on the most mundane of tasks. As a result, she was a lot quieter than usual. Rey was positive that Maz and Finn had taken notice of the recent change in her behavior, but neither had approached her about it as of yet. She felt guilty for keeping to herself, but Rey still needed time to process things.

 

Even days later, she found herself reading Kylo’s letter over and over again. And every time she did, her heart broke for him all over again. She wished more than anything, that she could do more to comfort him, despite knowing there was little she could do all the way from England. It was then, that Rey decided she’d start putting some money aside so she could visit him one day. She figured it would do them both a wealth of good to finally put a face to the name. Just the thought of meeting him one day in person was as exciting as it was terrifying. Rey hadn’t _actually_ asked Kylo about his thoughts on the matter, so she decided not to bring it up until she could afford a ticket.

 

With her mind so preoccupied, she was glad Finn hadn’t asked her more about Kylo. He must have sensed her need to be alone with her thoughts for awhile, so he didn’t press her further, which she greatly appreciated. She knew he had questions about her mysterious pen pal, but part of her just wasn’t ready to talk about him yet. It wasn’t that she _didn’t_ want to share things about him with Finn, it was the fact that she wasn’t ready to share Kylo with anyone else, even her new best friend.

  
Rey could see his thinly veiled curiosity dancing in his eyes every time they talked. Even still, Finn had been nothing but patient with her while she worked through it. And as the days passed by, the guilt of keeping something from her best friend ate at her like acid.

  
Perhaps she was making too big of a deal out of the whole thing. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to tell him more about Kylo...he might even have some valuable insight to offer. She’d leave out the more delicate details of Kylo’s life, as that wasn’t her place to share such information, but she could most certainly tell him about all the good things.

 

It was decided then. On her lunch break, she’d meet Finn at their usual hang out, _The Library,_ then she’d tell him everything he wanted to know. She was both nervous and excited about sharing something so close to her heart, but Rey felt it was important. After all, friends told each other everything, right? Finn was her best friend, and it was time she started acting like it.

 

* * *

 

Not two hours later, Rey sat comfortably sipping on her club soda as Finn regaled her with a colorful account of a time when Poe’s cat BB, had bitten Finn’s finger so badly, he ended up needing stitches. Rey was horrified by the end of it, but Finn just laughed and waved her off.

 

“Don’t worry, BB and me are pretty tight now. He trusts me. Sometimes he’ll actually curl up right next to me and sleep. I think he likes me better than Poe, but don’t tell him that.” He finished with a grin.

 

Rey smiled, “that sounds lovely! I mean, minus the bites of course. I’ve always wondered what’s it’s like to have a pet.”

 

Finn gaped, “you mean...you’ve _never_ had a pet before?”

 

“Nope, wasn’t allowed to.”

 

“Damn, that’s tragic.”

 

“Tell me about it.” Rey paused for a moment, wondering how she should proceed next. “But uh, my friend, Kylo...he has the most wonderful dog. He tells me about him in all of his letters.”

 

_That_ definitely caught Finn’s attention.

 

“Kylo, huh?”

 

“Yeah…”

 

“So, tell me about him. If you want to of course.”

 

There was just _so_ much she could say about him, that she didn’t know where to begin.

 

“Umm, well like I mentioned he has the sweetest dog ever. His name is Chewie…” as she rattled on about Kylo’s dog, she didn’t miss the strange look on her friend’s face. Ignoring it for the moment, she continued, “and Kylo, well he’s simply wonderful! He’s such a kind soul, but I can tell he’s quite lonely. Despite that, he’s the loveliest person I’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting! When he talks to me, he just makes me feel like I’m the most important person in the world. And it might sound incredibly ridiculous, but he’s become a very important part of my life…” she trailed off, wondering if she’d said too much. As she waited for a response, Rey inwardly cringed. She’d word vomited again, and that was something she was trying _so_ hard not to do.

 

Finn seemed taken aback for a moment, but it vanished just as quickly as it came. “You must _really_ like this guy.”

 

“He’s my friend, of course I do!”

 

Finn held back a laugh, “what I mean is, I think you like him as _more_ than just a friend. Am I right?”

 

“What? Whatever gave you _that_ idea?”

 

“Tell me something, Rey. How would it make you feel if Kylo went out with another girl?”

 

Just the thought of Kylo being with someone else made her sick to her stomach. Admittedly, she didn’t have any experience with matters of the heart, but for awhile now, she’d felt a sort of _pull_ toward Kylo that she couldn’t explain. It was different from what she felt for Finn, that was for sure.

 

_Shit. I’m in love with Kylo. God, I am so screwed!_

 

“Yeah, that’s what I thought.” Finn’s voice interrupted the train wreck happening in her head. “The look on your face says it all.”

 

“I...uh, I don’t know what to say.”

 

“You should tell him.”

 

At that she spluttered, “are you serious? I can’t just tell him that! He doesn’t even feel the same way!”

 

Finn raised a brow. “You know this because you asked him, right?”

 

“Well no, but-”

 

“So then you really don’t know, do you?”

 

“I guess...no, I don’t. But I don’t see any reason for him to like me, so there’s that.”

 

Finn sighed, “we really need to work on your self-esteem, don’t we? Rey let me tell ya something. That guy would be an idiot if he didn’t see what was right in front of him.”

 

Rey swallowed nervously, “that’s very kind of you, but I still stand by what I said.”

 

She watched several emotions flit across his face, before determination settled there.

 

“Come with me.”

 

“I’m sorry?”

 

“Come with me to the US. You know I’m leaving soon, and it would mean the world to me if you came too. You could even meet Poe! He’s been dying to meet you, and I’m sure he could even arrange a meeting for you with Leia!”

 

While her friend seemed positively elated at the idea, Rey couldn’t help but gape in shock.

 

“Finn! I can’t just up and leave! Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate the invitation. But I have work, and I definitely can’t leave your aunt alone.”

 

“I’m sure we could work something out with my aunt.”

 

Sighing, “even if that were true, I can’t afford it right now. A trip like that would be... _expensive,_ and I just don’t have it right now. And well, I wouldn’t be able to talk with Kylo if I were to go anyway…”

 

“Let me worry about all that.”

 

“No, no, and no. I appreciate the offer, I do. But I cannot accept that.”

 

Finn shook his head in disbelief, “Rey please let me do this one thing for you. I don’t get many opportunities to pay it forward so please, I’m begging you, let me do this.”

 

“What about Kylo? If I agreed to your crazy idea, I wouldn’t be able to talk with him for quite awhile, and I don’t know if I can bear that.”

 

“Who knows, you might be surprised.” Rey didn’t understand what he meant by that, and before she could think on it further, he continued. “Promise me you’ll at least think about it?”

 

Unable to ignore his puppy dog eyes, she reluctantly agreed.

 

“Alright, fine. I’ll think about it.”

 

* * *

 

When she returned to the shop, Rey found Maz sitting behind the counter, writing something down in her notebook. She also noticed a letter sitting neatly atop her books that she’d left behind.

 

“Ah, you’ve returned. I trust you had a fun time with my nephew?”

 

“Of course. He had some shopping to do, so he wanted to me to tell he’d be back in a few hours or so.” The older woman nodded. “Is...is that letter for me?” Rey asked, pointing toward the letter.

 

“Indeed it is.”

 

She took it without hesitation, smiling at the sight of Kylo’s lovely script. But then her conversation with Finn came to mind, and her smile disappeared.

 

“Something wrong child? These letters usually make you so happy. What’s happened?” For a moment, she’d forgotten Maz was there.

 

Clearing her throat, she spoke, “it’s not the letter...Finn, he uh, he asked me to go to America with him.”

 

“He did? Why that’s wonderful! Finny did tell me he planned to ask you.”

 

“Wait, you knew about this?”

 

“Of course I did, child. I’m the one who encouraged him to ask you, after all.”

 

Rey couldn’t believe what she was hearing. Both Maz _and_ Finn had plotted behind her back? What in the world was going on anymore?

 

“But Maz, you know I can’t just leave...I-I have so much work here, and I definitely can’t leave you. I can’t even _afford_ a trip like this right now, and then there’s…”

 

“Your Kylo?”

 

Rey figured it was best not to even _try_ to deny that was what she was going to say. Maz knew her _too_ well. “Yes, Kylo. If I go, I won’t be able to talk to him for some time. And Maz, I don’t think I could do that.”

 

Maz’s eyes softened, “child it’ll all work out just fine, you’ll see. So don’t you worry about me, I’ll be alright. Your job isn’t going anywhere.”

 

“Even if I wanted to go, I really can’t.”

 

“Didn’t Finny offer to pay for you?”

 

“Well yes, but I can’t accept that...it feels _wrong._ ”

 

“If there’s anyone in the world who deserves a break, it’s you, dear girl. Finny wouldn’t have offered this to you if he didn’t intend to follow through.”

 

“Maz, I wouldn’t be able to pay this back. At least not for a long while. I don’t have that kind of money.”

 

“Don’t you worry about that. It is a gift.”

 

“But-” Maz put her hands up, silencing anything Rey was about to say.

 

“A gift is something you don’t need to pay back. My nephew wants to do this out of the goodness of his heart, so let him. Besides, it’ll be good for you.”

 

Rey could only nod in response. She didn’t know what to feel about all of this. It wasn’t easy for her to accept help, or gifts for that matter. When she’d received Kylo’s gifts, her first thought had been to send it all back. So how could she wrap her head around accepting such an expensive gift from her best friend? It wasn’t that she didn’t appreciate it, because she did. Rey was simply unused to being thought of, well, at all.

 

* * *

 

When she returned home that evening, the first thing she did was open Kylo’s letter. She’d been anxiously waiting to read it for the last five hours. His letter would definitely put her mind at ease.

 

**_Dear Rey,_ **

 

**_I don't know what to say. I'm glad that you trust me enough to tell me everything that has happened, you have also become a very important part of my life. Without you, I don't know where I would be. I hope that you know that you're not alone either, and I'm glad that I've found someone that I can talk to. About anything really. I definitely relate to feeling anxious, but probably not the same way that you've been through it. I honestly want to let you know how beautifully strong I think you are, not just because you survived your past, but because you're trying._ **

 

**_Sometimes I think that trying is the only thing that we can really do, if I'm being honest. Also, I'm excited that you and your new friend have been doing good! That's amazing. I think I told you in the last letter about my mother and I talking for the first time in a while, and it finally happened. Well, I wanted to tell you that went well. There were a lot of emotions but I'm happy now that I've talked to her. I really wanted to tell her everything about you, but there was just so much that we already had to talk about that it took forever to get out._ **

 

**_I'm glad you like your parcel. If you liked those candles, I have an overabundance of different ones now. I'll have to send you one or two._ **

 

**_And by the way, I love the Big Ben souvenir. Don't ever feel like the size or amount of gifts matter to me. I cherish everything that you send me. A lot of your stuff goes into my scrapbooks so that I can look at it when I'm having an especially bad day, or a good day, and I want to make it even better. :)_ **

 

**_I am sorry this letter isn't as long as the last one, but I'm in a dry spell of things to write right now, so I think I will end this correspondence here. Or perhaps I will write more later._ **

 

**_Sincerely,_ **

 

**_Kylo Ren_ **

 

**_P.S. I actually brought a book on the language of flowers, and while I don't have flowers of my own to send you, I have to say that I have a new appreciation for Aster and Moonflower._ **

 

**_P.P.S Sometimes I have dreams that you'll somehow show up in America and we'll meet. Do you have those dreams too?_ **

 

How on earth was she supposed to go for an undetermined amount of time without these letters? That’s what really kept her from accepting Finn’s offer. Everything else seemed so insignificant in comparison.

 

But then the last sentence caught her eye. He dreamt of somehow meeting her in America? Rey wasn’t one to believe in coincidences, but given everything that happened earlier, this _had_ to be a sign telling her to accept Finn’s offer.

 

_Am I seriously about to do this?_

 

Before she second guessed herself any further, she texted Finn to let him know she’d accept.

 

Rey fell back onto her bed and sighed. _What had she gotten herself into?_


	15. however scary

“I want you to meet my boyfriend.” Poe had told him one day. It was the first thing that came out of his mouth when they had sat down for lunch. “He’s coming back from England soon and I just think...you know, you’re like my oldest friend and I really want him to meet you. I know that that sort of stuff isn’t your sor t of  thing  but you really have nothing to worry about because Finn is a sweetheart and- ” Ben held a hand up. 

“When do you want to... uh meet up, I guess?” 

“So is that a yes?” 

“Yeah, why wouldn’t I meet him?” Ben put a fork in his salad. “He makes you happy so that’s neat.” 

“Holy shit, great. I thought I was going to have to convince you.” Usually Ben would need more convincing, but Poe was his only guy friend and that’s something that you didn’t just mess up. He’d do anything to keep him around. “Okay, uh we need to set up but he’s coming back within the next f ew days so maybe next week?” 

“Just text me when you guys set something up, I’ll be free whenever, you k now that.” The two of them continued their lunch. Ben could have sworn that he could see Poe put his schem ing face on. He wasn’t sure if he had just seen something or not, so he didn’t comment on it. “Hey, uh... receive any more letters from your girlfriend?” 

“She isn’t my girlfriend,” 

“Okay,  your  probably hot British florist friend.” 

“No, I haven’t received anything yet. She’s probably busy.” Poe nodded for a few minutes before he asked, “Does you know what she looks like?” 

“No,” 

“And she doesn’t know what you like.” 

“No,” Why was he asking this? 

“Okay,” Poe nodded a few times, “so anyways I think I’m going to propose to Finn. I just don’t know when.” The conversation change gave him whiplash. “But I think in like, a few months. I need it to be perfect, you  know?  And I r eally want to make sure.” 

“You’ve never struck me as a person who stayed around with people long,” 

“I know? Right, but like – he’s  really hot  – and the sweetest person in the universe. When I met him, I was like, there’s no way this guy is  _ that fucking perfect. Turns out that he really is that perfect.  _ You know when you meet that person and they just make you pause and go, ‘holy shit’?” 

“No,” Ben blushed a little bit. He wished he knew what that felt like, but he probably never would. 

_ Rey, I wanted to tell you that I’ve been lying about who I am. Not really – like in the sense where  _ _ all of _ _  the stuff about my life that I have told you is in fact true. But my name and stuff. My name isn’t  _ _ Kylo _ _  Ren. It’s Ben Solo, and the only reason I lied to you is because I hate myself.  _

_ I hate myself so much that I wanted to be someone else because I thought that was the only way that I could make a friend.  _

_ “ _ Don’t worry, buddy. I’m sure it will happen. It might be sooner than you think too.” 

Ben didn’t respond. He just wanted to go home now. 

**

_ Rey, I wanted to tell you that I’ve been lying to you. _ _  My Dearest Rey, I  _ _ have a confession to make. I’ve been thinking about you a lot recently. You’ve been the reason that I wake up in the morning. _ _  I haven’t been honest about everything about me though. _ __ _ Not really – like in the sense where all  _ _ the stuff I have told you about  _ _ my life, that’s true _ _. But my name and stuff. _ _  My name isn’t  _ _ Kylo _ _  Ren.   _ _ My name is  _ _ B _ _ en Solo. _

Ben crumbled up the letter that he had been working on, the pain and guilt of everything eating at him. “Fuck, fuck. Fucking fuck!” He shouted. He could feel something coming on, and it wasn’t positive at all. Chewie whined and jumped up on the couch without Ben’s permission, poking his nose between Ben’s clenched f ists and lifting his chin up to look at him. “Hey, boy.” He said. “Hey, sorry. Sorry. I’m not going to that. Sorry.” 

_ I hate myself so much that I wanted to be someone else because that’s the only way that I could make a friend. I told myself that I was going to tell you, but I got so scared because you’ve  _ _ come to mean so much to me that I wanted to hold on to what I had.  _

_ “ _ I’m stressing myself,” 

He dialed up his mother. 

“Hey, Ben.” She answered after the first ring. “How are you, sweetie?” 

“I’m... I needed to talk to you.” 

“Are you okay, sweetie? Do you need me to fly down there?” 

“No, no, don’t do that. I just... I’m not feeling great and that happens sometimes. I just really needed to hear your voice.” 

“Oh, sweetie.” She said. “I know what that feels like, I wish that I could be there right now to give you a hug.” Ben shivered, knowing that she went well, but he was trying to keep it together and that wasn’t making it much easier. 

“Can you just – can you tell me a story about dad?” 

There was a silence, and Ben was about to tell his mother that she didn’t have to say anything if she didn’t want to, but his mother broke the silence first. “Did I ever tell you how we first met?” 

“No,” His throat felt dry. 

“Okay,” She said, “well my car broke down. And you know me, I was stress and wound up and I was in law school. Your father – he was driving on the side of the road and saw me. And I was scared when we first met,  I was panicking and he could clearly  said  that, and he opened up with the worst joke in the world. Do you want to hear it?  _ Why do chicken coupes have two  _ _ doors? _ __ I had no idea what the fuck this man was going to do, and right in the middle of my panic attack he delivered the punch line. You know what he said?” 

“What?” 

“ _ Because if it had four doors, then it would be a chicken sedan.”  _ For some, strange reason, Ben started to laugh. Tears rolled down his cheeks as he envisioned his father saying that to his mother. Because he could totally picture that. “And I  was in such a state that when I heard that, I just paused, and then burst out laughing. Even though it wasn’t that funny. He helped me get my car started while I was crying about how I was going to be late, and he gave me the number for his landline and said that if I ever needed help on the road again t hat he would help me if I needed.” 

“That sounds like Dad,” 

“Yeah,” Leia sighed, “god I  fucking  miss him so much.” Ben stopped thinking about his own depression for a second. 

“Are you okay, mom?” 

“Yeah, honey. I am. But I uh... I don’t think I ever really got done processing  it?  You know? It’s best that I don’t talk about it right now. I have to go to a meeting.” 

“Sorry to bother you,” 

“No, Ben. You are not a bother and if I could talk to you for hours every damn day I would. You understand? Call me later if you need to, I love you honey.” 

“Love you, mom.” 

“I love you too, mom.” 

They hung up. 

Crisis averted, for the time being. 

**

His letter came then next day, and Ben could say that he was excited until he opened it. 

_ Dear  _ _ Kylo _ _ , I’m sorry... _

His heart and stomach nearly lurched out of his body as he swayed back and forth and went inside, forcing himself to keep reading. 

_  this letter will be bittersweet, but I’ll save the depressing part for the end. First, I want to say that I’m so happy to know you’re on better terms with your mother. Family is so important, and I know it couldn’t have been easy, but I’m glad you’re happy. _

The depressing part.

There was going to be a depressing part. 

** Oh god. Oh god. Oh god. Oh god. No. No. No. No.  ** ** No. No. No. No. ** **** ** Oh god. Oh god ** **.  **

_ By the way, I’m relieved that you liked the gift I sent to you.  _ _ Honestly _ _  I was worried you might think it was silly, but as soon as I saw it I thought of you, and I knew I had to get it. I can’t tell you how surprised I am that you’ve kept everything I’ve sent you! I wasn’t even sure you’d like the pressed flowers at all, I just thought it was a nice touch. I’m overjoyed to know you really did like them.  _

His stomach was filling with dread as he read, just waiting for her to say something like she felt like she would never talk to him again because she somehow figured out who he was or something like that. 

_ Now comes the hard part. I’m not sure how to say this, but I won’t be able to correspond with you for quite  _ _ awhile _ _. You see, I’m going on a trip. My friend invited me to come along, and I’m unsure when I’ll return.  _ _ So _ _  I think this will be the last letter I’m able to send to you for some time.  _

Ben slid down to the ground before he could fall and closed the front door. Chewie was alre ady padding up to him silently. Ben put the letter down and just sat there for a few minutes. There was still some left to the letter, so Ben told himself that he would have to read more. 

She said for some time. 

Not, I hate you and I’m never going to talk to you again. 

It wasn’t that bad. 

Ben took a deep breath in, and a deep breath out. “Chewie,” He sighed, “I’m fine. It’s okay.” He flipped the letter back over and continued to read. 

W _ hile I do look forward to this trip, I’m saddened that I won’t be able to talk to you and tell you all about it. More importantly, I’m going to miss your letters. They’ve become an important part of my life, and I feel like I’m leaving part of myself behind. But I have a feeling you’d tell me to go anyway, so that’s what I’m doing. I’m going to try and have a good time since this is probably a once in a lifetime opportunity for me, and I know you’ll be with me in spirit. That comforts me.  _

She was going to miss him. Where was she going? Why didn’t she tell him? 

_ And yes, I’ve had those dreams too. I wish we could meet one day... I’m going to end this letter here, before I start getting emotional. _

She wanted to meet him one day. 

_  Promise me that you won’t forget me, and you’ll take care of yourself. _ She thought that he was going to forget  her?  How on Earth could he forget her? 

_ In return, I’ll write to you the moment I get back, and I’ll tell you everything about my trip. If I’m honest, that’ll be the only thing on my mind for the entire time I’m away. And of course, I couldn’t send a letter to you without including some flowers. Since you’ve got yourself a book on flowers, I’m sure you’ll be able to figure this out :) The pressed flowers I’ve included are Lisianthus, Stock, and Sweet Peas. Yours, Rey _

Lisianthus . 

Ben looked that up. 

It was a flower that you often gave to loved ones. Ben didn’t need to know what the others to say. He did something stupid. He spent the rest of the night and part of the next morning writing his letter  over a nd over again , and finally he came to a version he liked, he cleaned it up, sealed it up in an envelope, and mailed it. He knew that she wouldn’t see it  immediately, but he didn’t  fucking  care at this point. 

He just told her everything. 

**

Poe was way too excited to hook Ben up with someone. Way too excited. “So, are you sure that she’s coming with you?” Poe asked Finn over the phone. 

“Babe, she’s coming with me. And she’s really nervous. Poor thing has never been outside of the country before.” 

“Mm and she’s gonna get some dick too, bet she’s gonna love America.” 

“From what you told me about Ben, I don’t think that’s going to happen on the first visit.” 

“Okay, yeah. Maybe not,” Poe laughed, “but god they are  gonna  love each other so damn much, I’m going to be his best man at his wedding.” 

“You are being such a damn nerd about it,” 

“He had no idea, Finn. No idea at all.” 

“Right,” Finn said, “god they are both dumbasses. Anyways, we need to go over how we’re going to make this work. We’re dealing with two anxious people that never g et out and we’re going to set them up? We need some place that’s pretty chill. Somewhere Ben’s going to be in his element with her.” 

“Yeah,” Poe said, “I know just the place to go. I think that Rey’s going to love it too. From what you’ve told me about her, I can’t wait to meet her.” 

“Yeah, I know. She’s really such a sweetheart. Just  uh...  Be  careful around her. I love you baby, but tone down your personality like ninety five percent when you meet her. I don’t think she’ll be able to process it.” 

“You’re hilarious, I will only be a complete gentleman. I’ll save all the dirty stuff for you... after Ben and Rey meet of course.” 

“Are you going to have post successful matchmaking sex with me?” 

“Yep, ” 

“Good. God, I can’t wait to get home.” 


	16. Rey

This was a huge mistake. What had she been thinking? She should’ve stayed home where she knew it was safe. She should’ve stayed with Maz, and helped her take care of the shop. Now she was stuck several thousands of feet in the air, and she wanted to kick herself for being so stupid for agreeing to this.

 

“Rey, just breathe. We’re almost there.”

 

She knew he meant well, but that did little to quell her fears, _and_ the nausea that threatened to take over. Maybe Finn was just used to flying, which would explain why he seemed completely at ease. But for Rey? This was her first time on a plane and for the last several hours, she’d been gripping her seat in an attempt to calm herself down. She looked across the aisle, to see other passengers soundly asleep. For the life of her, she couldn’t understand how anyone could feel comfortable enough to sleep on a flight, when all she could think of was getting back on the ground in one piece.

 

A low chuckle brought her out of her misery, if only for a moment. “It’s not funny.”

 

“Yeah, it kind of is.” Still, Finn did nothing to hide his amusement at her expense.

 

“How can you _not_ be nervous? What if something happens? What if we lose cabin pressure-”

 

Finn stopped her before she could give herself a heart attack. “You know the odds of something like that happening are extremely low.” He told her, hoping it might calm her a bit.

 

“Logically, yes, I know that. But still-”

 

“But nothing, Rey.” He squeezed her hand reassuringly, “it’s going to be just fine, I promise. You worry too much. Besides, we’ll be landing soon and you’ll forget all about this.”

 

“Fine, but if something happens and I die, I will haunt you for the rest of your mortal life!”

 

The snarky grin he gave in response, was enough to put her mind at ease for the moment.

 

“So, I wanted to ask you something.”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“And you don’t have to say yes if you’re not up to it just yet.”

 

“Okay...you’re scaring me Finn.”

 

“Nothing scary, I promise. But uh, I wondered if you’d want to meet up with Poe? After we get settled, of course.”

 

“Is that all? I thought you were going to ask me to do something crazy like skydiving!” She laughed. “Of course I’d love to! I’ve been wanting to him ever since you told me about him.”

 

“Great! I’ll let him know!”

 

As he texted Poe, Rey settled back in her seat in an attempt to get comfortable. With a little over an hour to go until landing, she tried to focus her mind on anything else, except being on this blasted plane. She simply couldn’t wait until she was on solid ground once more, and she didn’t care if Finn teased her mercilessly about it, either.

 

* * *

 

Once they landed, everything was a blur. Exhaustion was beginning to set in, and the only thing she wanted to do in that moment, was sleep. She didn’t even remember Finn requesting an Uber, nor did she remember checking in at the hotel. Finn helped Rey take her things up to her room, and told her to rest while he took care of some things, so she did just that.

 

Hours later, she awakened to a dark room. She flipped the light on, wincing at the abrupt change. It was almost half past six in the evening! She hadn’t meant to sleep so long, so she hurried and texted Finn. He told her that he’d be there to pick her up in about 20 minutes, and from there, they’d meet up with Poe for drinks.

 

Rey never cared much about her appearance, but this was important, and she wanted to make a good first impression. She rummaged through her bags, hoping to find something nice to wear but instead, she found one of Kylo’s letters that she’d brought with her. All at once, her excitement at meeting Poe vanished.

 

She turned it over, running a hand across Kylo’s neat penmanship, wondering not for the first time, what the hell she’d been thinking. Tears ran down her cheek, but Rey didn’t bother with it. She felt absolutely horrible for leaving him alone. Because that’s what she did, didn’t she? In her selfishness, she’d decided to put herself first, and left Kylo alone, at a time when he needed her the most.

 

Rey tried to tell herself that this what he would’ve wanted for her. Kylo always encouraged her to try new things, and see new places, so why did she feel like she’d somehow abandoned him?

 

Knowing time wasn’t on her side at the moment, she hid the letter neatly under her pillow, and finished getting ready. She had her work cut out for herself now that she was a crying mess. As Rey put the last few touches of light makeup on, she willed herself to put her feelings aside. She couldn’t have Finn asking questions, but more importantly, she didn’t want to ruin his night. She knew how important this for him, and she didn’t want that tainted by her own problems.

 

* * *

 

“I thought we were going out for drinks?” She asked, when she noticed they were heading to a mall, instead of a bar.

 

“We are, but first we need to get you a nice outfit.” Finn told her, with one of his infamous smirks.

 

“And what exactly is wrong with what I’m wearing?”

 

“Nothing at all.” She waited, hoping he’d explain himself more, but as the silence went on, she realized she wouldn’t get anything else out of him.

 

“You know, sometimes I really don’t understand you.”

 

“That’s the idea.” He said with a mischievous grin.

 

Sometime later, Rey found herself in a dressing room. She’d tried on several different outfits, none of which had received the Finn stamp of approval. To be fair, she hadn’t liked them all that much, either. There was just one more outfit to go. It was a nice red jumpsuit with three quarter sleeves, and an open back. While she’d never worn something like this before, she was both excited and nervous to see it on herself. And when she stepped in front of the mirror, she was not disappointed. For the first time in her life, Rey felt _beautiful._

 

“So, let’s see it then.” Finn’s voice called out.

 

Hesitantly, Rey stepped out of the dressing room. “What do you think?”

 

“That’s it, that’s the one.” He said with such conviction.

 

“Are you sure? I’m a bit nervous about the open back thing...I feel like it’s too much.”

 

“It’s perfect Rey. You’re a knockout.”

 

She blushed at his words, and before she could say anything else, Finn ripped the tag off, heading straight for the cashier.

 

“Hey! What are you doing!” She whispered harshly, once she caught up with him.

 

“What does it look like? I’m paying.”

 

“I can pay for myself you know. I may be poor, but I’m not broke.” She quickly rummaged through her bag, looking for her wallet, but Finn had already handed his credit card over the cashier.

 

He chuckled, “look if it means that much to you, you can pay me back later. But for now, accept the gift. Besides, you haven’t even converted your money into US dollars yet.”

 

She grumbled, knowing he was right about the last part. “Okay fine. And thank you. I really don’t know what I did to deserve a friend like you.”

 

Finn nudged her shoulder in response.

 

* * *

 

“I still don’t understand why I needed a nice outfit to meet _your_ boyfriend? I mean don’t get me wrong, I love it, but why?” They were heading to the bar now, and this had been on her mind since they left the mall.

 

Finn sighed, “well there’s something I haven’t told you yet, so promise me you won’t be upset?”

 

Well shit, Rey should’ve known there was more to this than meets the eye.

 

“Okay…”

 

“The thing is, Poe’s bringing his friend, Ben. I think I told you a little bit about him once.”

 

Rey panicked, vaguely recalling something about a _Ben,_ but it wasn’t much.

 

“Are you...are you trying to set me up?” This couldn’t be happening. Thoughts of Kylo flooded her mind, and the guilt weighed heavily upon her.

 

He cleared his throat, somehow looking nervous. “Of course not. I know you’re in love with that mysterious Kylo of yours…” he trailed off. “But, Poe thought it would be nice if you got to meet Ben. Being a senator’s son and all, he doesn’t get a whole lot of normalcy.”

 

“Wait, is this the same Ben Solo? As in Ben Solo, son of Leia Organa Solo?”

 

“Yep, the very same.”

 

“Why didn’t you tell me! Of course I wouldn’t mind!” While her mouth did the talking, projecting a much more confident Rey, deep down, she was a nervous wreck. Feeling as though she was somehow betraying Kylo, to being _so_ nervous about meeting someone famous, she just wanted to puke.

 

But she couldn’t let Finn know any of that.

 

“Cool, just don’t mention anything about Ben’s mom. I don’t know the details, but I guess they’ve been on the outs lately, so it’s a touchy subject for him.”

 

“Okay, I can do that.”

 

As Finn pulled into the parking lot, Rey thought her heart might jump straight out of her chest.

 

“You okay?”

 

“Yeah, yeah, I’m great. Totally fine.” He gave her a look, and squeezed her hand gently.

 

“It’s gonna be fine, you’ll see.”

 

As they walked inside, Rey was instantly reminded of _The Library._ It was nice and quiet, and it made her feel like she was home.

 

“Babe!” Rey was pulled from her thoughts when she noticed a handsome looking man approach, and give Finn a kiss. “Damn, it’s about time you got here, wasn’t sure how long I could keep that one,” Poe gestured somewhere behind him, “from leaving.”

 

The two of them had a hushed conversation for a moment, before Poe set his eyes on Rey. “You gonna introduce me to your new lady friend?”

 

“Oh right! Rey, this is my boyfriend, Poe.”

 

She smiled, “it’s so nice to finally meet you! Finn’s told me everything about you.”

 

“Nothing too bad, I hope?” He flashed a charming grin, “come on, there’s someone I’d like you to meet.”

 

As Rey followed, her nerves came back in full force. _Get it together Rey. Don’t fuck this up._

 

Sitting at their table, was Ben Solo. She’d only seen glimpses of him in newspapers, usually along side his mother, but it was definitely him.

 

Poe broke the silence first, “buddy, this is Rey. She works at a flower shop that Finn’s aunt owns, and she came all the way from England for a visit.”

 

“Um, hi? It’s a pleasure to meet you.” Cursing herself for her awkwardness. She held her hand out for him to shake, but instead he just stared at her like a deer caught in the headlights. The next thing she knew, Ben’s drink had somehow slipped from his grasp and crashed to the floor, spilling everywhere.


	17. How to Have a Panic Attack Three Times In One Dinner

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> aka holy shit what the fuck just happened

_Fuck_ _fuck_ _fuck_ _fuck_ _fuck_ _fuck_ _fuck_ _fuck_ _fuck_ _fuck_ _fuck_ _._ It takes Ben a full minute to process what he just said, and what he just did, and he fumbled horribly. “Sorry, oh my god.” He immediately went to clean up his drink.  

“Oh, it’s okay.”  _GOD, it’s her. It’s her. It’s her. Maybe it’s not. It is, how many people in England are named Rey and work at a flower shop oh god, what the actual fuck is going on right now? She left before she could’ve gotten the letter either._ “Here, let me help you.” She grabbed some paper towels and their hands touched and he was blushing horribly and this was possibly the worst thing that Poe had ever done to him. Or maybe the best? He chanced a glance at the girl in front of him and she was blushing too, smiling a little bit.  

Once that whole fiasco was done he tried to regain some composure, while still internally screaming on the inside. “Shit, sorry about that, I’m er—kind of clumsy. I’m Ben.”  

“Rey,” She holds out her hand and he shook it awkwardly. He stalled a little too long before Poe interrupted.  

“Hey, buddy. This is Finn, my boyfriend.”  

“Cool,” Ben turned to shake his hand, “heard a lot about you.” He had worked out just getting to meet Finn in his head, played out all of the scenarios in his head and had gotten to a point where he wasn’t having anxiety attacks about it. But here she was—how the fuck—He was going to kick Poe’s ass. That was the only way about it.  

But, he couldn’t do that right now. Oh god, he was going to die. Ben had wondered why Poe was taking them to Ben’s favorite restaurant-bar-hybrid instead of Poe’s favorite bar but now he knew. God. Now she was sitting down right next to him and they were ordering. Ben was going to die. He was so embarrassed. “What do you suggest?” Rey asked him gently.  

“Er, it depends.” Could he actually say something confident for once? “What are you in the mood for?”  

“I’m starving,” There was a little shake in her throat and Ben noticed the tremor in her hands as she held her menu. She hadn’t met his eye since they had cleaned up the spilled drink. Okay, so she was just as nervous as he was. If not more.  

“They have great burgers here, if that’s your sort of thing.”  

“Ah yes,” Finn laughed a little, “burgers and a pint of beer. The pinnacle of the American experience.”  

“I’ll have a double cheeseburger and fries, then.”  

“Sure you can handle that?” Finn asked. “Portion sizes are bigger here than in the UK.”  

“We’ll see,” Rey said. There was a little bit where Poe and Finn and Rey were talking and Ben just stayed silent, zoning out and panicking a bit. Then, Rey asked, “So, Ben what is some exclusively American thing that I won’t get to see back in England?”  

“Uh, we have world leaders who seemed to share one brain cell between each other.” Everyone at the table paused, Rey actually laughed. He wasn’t usually funny? “Sorry, that was mean. We have some good things in America. Like uh,”  

“The sun?” Finn suggested.  

“I’ve seen the sun, thank you very much.” Rey sticks her tongue out playfully at Finn and Ben couldn’t get over just how cute she was.  

“We have excessive patriotism and spray cheese?” Ben offered.  

“Wait, what is spray cheese?”  

“You guys don’t have spray cheese?” Poe gasped. “That’s a travesty,”  

“It’s just cheese in a can with a nozzle. We have a lot of stuff in cans that a lot other countries don’t have.” 

“Spray cheese is so much more than just cheese in a can, it’s  _pure American art.”_  

_“_ If you say so,” Ben grimaced. He could feel Rey’s eyes on him the whole time. “Basically every store is twenty four hour. I think I read somewhere that that’s not common everywhere. I don’t know. Uh, wow this is going to sound very pessimistic but considering my background I guess I know more negative things about America than I do positive. Oh, uh yeah you know the purple skittles? They’re grape flavored here.”  

“Purple skittles are a different flavor in Europe?”  

“Yep,” Rey said, “black currant.”  

“What does a black currant even taste like?” Poe asked.  

“I uh... honestly I don’t eat black currants and on the rare occasion I do have skittles I usually separate the purple ones out of the mix.” She gave a little nervous exhale and Ben found himself actually starting the conversation back up again. Something that he never thought he would do in a million life times.  

“What about you? What uh, anything cool going on in England that we don’t have here?”  

“We... uh... how do I say this politely? Most British people are quite boring—at least around where I live. Everyone loves sitting in silence and everything is embarrassing. We do have castles though, which America seems to have a lack of from the little that I have seen of it so far. Oh! And this is going to sound weird and a bit childish, but we have this thing called Harrod’s annual Teddy bear. This chain store releases a new teddy bear for it’s collection each year and I personally think they’re always really cute. But yeah, nothing really interesting going on in England.”  

_ 

 

The food had come and things were going good until Rey asked if he had any pets.  _Shit. “_ Yeah,” Ben said. “I’ve got a dog.”  

“You should see-” Before Poe’s lips could start forming Chewie’s name, Ben kicked him in the shin. “his dog is really cute.”  

“Oh, I love dogs.” Rey sighed. “Always wished that I could have one.”  

“You should show her a picture, Ben.” Ben was going to murder him. He was really going to fucking murder him. “I know your wallpaper is set to-” Again, Ben kicked him.  

“Unfortunately my phone died a little bit before we go here. So, maybe another time.”  

“I’ll hold you to it,” Rey said. She smiled awkwardly then said, “If you excuse me, I am going to go to the bathroom.” She left and everyone sat in silence for a minute before Ben let out a shaky breath.  

“It was nice to meet you, Finn.” He said. He then turned to Poe, “But my fucking god – what the fuck do you think you’re doing here?”  

“Buddy, I-”  

“Don’t explain, I need to go to the bathroom.” He got up and went to the bathroom. Locking it behind him. Perfect place to have a panic attack without anyone judging him. He could spiral out of control about how he must have had to be making a bad impression on  _two fucking people_ tonight. Later he’d talk to Chewie about what a failure he was and never expect to see a letter from Rey again.  

She was coming here? Really? Why didn’t she say that? Why didn’t he suspect that Poe would do this? There was a small knock at the door, and Ben was about to yell at Poe before he heard Rey speak. “Hey, Ben. Are you in there?”  

He ran the sink, “Uh, yeah. Sorry.”  

“It’s okay.” She said. “I um, I just... I was really nervous and I went to the bathroom to kind of have a panic attack and I saw you had left the table when I came back and Poe said that you were really embarrassed about the drink thing earlier, and I just wanted to say-” Ben opened the door to the bathroom, her breath caught a little before she kept on, “that I have been there before and I totally get that, but if I’m being honest I’ve done some totally mortifying things that have probably gone way worse and well, yeah sorry I’m rambling.” She was about to go back to her seat when Ben smiled.  

“No, thank you. Really. Thank you for checking up on me, I’m better now. To be honest I didn’t think that I would be meeting anyone new except for Poe’s boyfriend--”  

“Oh god, I’m so sorry. That’s awful. I didn’t know that I was meeting anyone besides Poe either until we were just about to park and I well, I didn’t want to screw it up because, well...”  

“Well?”  

“I’m horribly awkward and I literally hadn’t made a friend until Finn, oh um about a month and a half or maybe two months by now? I’ve always been sort of the uh – ugly awkward duckling type.” It was two months. Two months.  

Ben moved out of the way of the bathroom. “You don’t strike me as ugly or awkward,”  

“Yeah?”  

“Yeah.” Ben said softly. “You’re uh, you’re really pretty.”  _Great, why are_ **_you_ ** _so awkward, Ben?_  

_“_ I-oh- thanks um, wow. Thanks. We should get back to our seats.” She stuttered, turning a shade of pink. They started walking back to their seats, “Oh and Ben, you’re not too bad looking yourself.” Something tells Ben that that’s the most forward she’s ever been, and she already looks like she’s regretting it as the two of them sit down.  

“Oh thank god,” Poe said, “the food’s gonna get cold.”  

“Yeah,” Rey said, “this looks amazing.” Ben barely touched his food and Rey just dug into her cheeseburger. She had cleaned her plate in about ten minutes, and Ben was impressed.  

“Was that good?”  

“It was amazing. Best burger ever.”  

“Glad you liked it,”  

“You’ll have to show us some more restaurants around here,” Finn said. 

“Or just Rey,”  

“Or just Rey, yeah.” Finn agreed.  

“Oh I wouldn’t want to be a bother,” Rey said.  

Ben panicked, not sure what to say, but he did say something that’s for sure. “Just give me a call,”  

_ 

Everyone was filing out now and after some beer and getting used to everything, Ben wasn’t mad anymore. He should be but he wasn’t. He took a deep breath in while pretending not overhear Rey’s conversation with Finn and Poe. “I had a really good time,” She said.  

“Yeah? That’s good.”  

“Although I think it was fairly mean to tell Ben that Finn was the only person he was meeting tonight. You should’ve given him more warning.” Poe laughed nervously at that.  

“Yeah uh, honestly I should have. That was my bad. I’m going to go apologize to him later. Don’t worry.”  

“I’m really glad I got to meet him though,” She glanced back at him and Ben looked away. “He’s reminds me of someone.”  

“Yeah?”  

“Yeah, I don’t know what it is but it’s just...yeah I want to get to know him more,” And then she was walking away from the two of them. Rey was right next to him – how – he still had no idea. But she was right there.  

“Hi,” She said.  

“Hi,” She looked absolutely lovely. Ben wasn’t sure what he had pictured when he was writing to her but it certainly wasn’t the most beautiful woman in the world. Her smile – fuck her smile – made him feel like he weas going to have a heart attack. “I had a really fun time tonight,”  

“So did I, I don’t get out a lot.”  

“Yeah?”  

“Yeah,” The two of them fell silent, Ben tried not to stare at her. She was dressed in all red, in a sort of jumper that had the back open and it looked great on her. So so great. 

“Um, I would really like to get your number or your email or something so that I can talk to you more later on? I know your phone’s dead right now,” He was glad that she said that because he almost forgot about that lie, “but is it okay if I ask Poe for your number?”  

“Yeah, yeah. That’s cool. Uhm, yeah. You don’t have to do that -”  

“Do what?”  

“Um, I don’t know what I was going to say. Feel obligated to – I’m not great at conversation sorry.”  

“I don’t feel obligated at all,” Rey said, “I just – I promised someone that I would go out of my comfort zone and start making friends. Start doing things that would make me happy. So I uh – I’m doing that. I think making another friend would make me really happy.” She promised him that. She was talking to Ben about himself and she didn’t even know that it was him that she was writing letters too.  

“Well I uh, I have to get back to the hotel so – see you later.”  

“See you later,” He waved at her awkwardly as she turned back to go to Finn. Later as Poe and Ben were heading to their cars, Ben turned to Poe and stopped him.  

“What the fuck did you think you’re doing?”  

“What?”  

“How in the hell did you find her?” 

“Purely by coincidence,” Poe admitted.  

“So you’re telling me that purely by coincidence your boyfriend just so happened to run into my penpal overseas and bring her back as a friend and you didn’t know that she was coming to meet us until the last second?  

“Kind of, I figured out was going on. Look, Finn has a relative over there, her name is Maz and Rey worked at her flower shop. I was like, wow that’s really similar to what Ben told me. That’s strange. Couldn’t be too sure though, then Finn started telling me she was receiving these letters and the way that she would react to them – and buddy – if she wasn’t reacting the way that she was toward them I wouldn’t have arranged for her to come over here okay? She really likes you, and let’s face it, you really like her too. You were never going to initiate anything though and I just want you to be happy. So please, please just get to know this girl okay? Hate me or do whatever you want but know that I just really want you to be happy okay?”  

Ben deflated for a second before saying anything, “I’m not mad at you,”  

“Really?”  

“I was. You really freaked me out back there, but I’m not mad – I get what you were doing I just wasn’t sure if I was ready for that. I’m not sure I would’ve ever decided when I was ready though so I guess you did the right thing by just making me do that.”  

“I was about to tell you, before they came in.” Poe said. “But they came in sooner than I thought and – I'm really sorry for freaking you out man.”  

“Like I said, I’m not mad  _but_ if it all goes horribly wrong, I reserve the right to blame you forever.” Poe laughed halfheartedly at that.  

“Sure man, whatever you want.”  

The two of the gave each other a hug before Ben said, “Now go tell your boyfriend that I am horribly sorry that I didn’t talk more and he seems really nice and I’d like to get to know him better later. And whatever else you do. I gotta get home and sleep. All this socializing made me exhausted,”  

His phone pinged, and he looked at the text. “I knew your phone wasn’t dead.”  

“Shut up,”  

**Unknown: hey ben! This is rey! I’m about to head to my room and then bed but just wanted to save your number before I forgot it.**  

**“** See you later Ben. Good night.”  

“Night, Poe.”  


	18. Rey

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is so late. I’ve just been going through a lot™

The next morning, Rey found herself alone for the rest of the day. Finn had been called into work, and probably wouldn’t be available until much later. She figured he’d also want to spend some time alone with Poe when he got off work, and she didn’t want to intrude. She’d also spoken to Maz on the phone, knowing the older woman was anxious to know they’d arrived safely. Maz was so happy to hear Rey’s voice, and told her she missed her at _least_ a hundred times.

 

Rey knew she didn’t want to stay cooped up in her hotel room all day, but she also didn’t want to go out alone just yet. The thought of wandering around the city with only herself for company, wasn’t the most comforting. In truth, the thought of going out by herself in a country that wasn’t her own, terrified her.

 

For the moment, she was stuck. Finn would probably understand her hesitation, but she didn’t want to bother him with it. Only one other person would _really_ understand what she was going through, but _he_ wasn’t here. In times like this, Rey wished she’d thought to ask Kylo for his number before she left. Having the ability to text him whenever she wanted, was something she really wished for now more than ever.

 

Perhaps she could write him a letter? Of course she wouldn’t be able to send it off until she returned home, but she could most certainly talk to him just like she was used to doing. Rey searched her bags for a pen and paper, and when she found what she was looking for, she got to work.

 

**_Dear Kylo,_ **

 

**_I hope you weren’t too upset with me over my last letter to you. And if you are, well, I hope you can forgive me. By the time you receive this letter, I’ll be back home from my trip. I expect you’ll receive this letter, along with several others I’ll have written during my time here. I hope you won’t mind._ **

 

**_For now though, I’m writing this letter from America! Can you believe it? I never thought I’d have the chance to come visit such a wonderful place, but somehow, it happened. I still can’t wrap my head around it, if I’m honest._ **

 

**_However as fun as this trip has been so far, the real reason I’m writing this particular letter, is because I’ve missed talking to you. No one understands me quite like you do, and if I’m completely honest with myself, it’s been quite lonely without your letters to look forward to. I just...thank you, for everything._ **

 

**_Yours,_ **

 

**_Rey_ **

 

Looking it over once more, she folds the letter neatly and tucks it safely away in her bag. It was a rather short letter, but she knew he’d receive many more from her once she returned home.

 

With that done, Rey was still left with nothing to do, and no one to catch up with. But that wasn’t _entirely_ true, was it? Perhaps she could text Ben, and ask if he’d like to join her for lunch? She’d barely just met him, yet somehow she felt oddly comfortable with him. In fact Rey was sure she’d never felt so at ease with another person, as she had with Kylo.

 

The worst thing Ben could say was that he was busy, right? There’s no harm in trying. At least that’s what she told herself in an attempt to calm her nerves.

 

**Rey:** **_Ben, hi. It’s Rey. Um, I know you hardly know me, and I’m sorry this is such short notice, but I was wondering if you’d like to meet up today for lunch maybe? Finn’s busy, so I’ll be alone for the day. If you’re busy and can’t make it, that’s totally fine. Anyways, I hope you’re having a wonderful day._**

 

She hit send before she had the chance to chicken out and delete the whole thing. Rey cringed at how utterly awkward she sounded, but there was nothing she could do about that now. Maybe he wouldn’t even see the message, and she could just pretend like she hadn’t said a thing. All hopes were dashed when her phone dinged, signaling a reply.

 

**Ben:** **_I’d like that. I’ll come pick you up around 1?_ **

 

It took her a moment to take in what he’d said. Somehow, Rey expected him to politely decline, but he hadn’t. She answered him back, letting him know she’d be ready and waiting.

 

* * *

 

Rey was waiting patiently in the hotel lobby. Her nerves were getting the best of her again, if the constant bouncing of her knee was any indication. Ben would text her any moment now, letting her know he was outside. She was excited, yet nervous at the same time. While they weren’t complete strangers to each other, they’d barely just met, and she wanted to make a good impression. Rey could only hope that she could get a handle on her anxiety, before it ruined everything.

 

“Rey?” The sound of a familiar voice brought her back to reality.

 

_Ben._

 

“You didn’t have to come all the way in here! I was going to meet you outside, you know.”

 

He smiled, “I’m sure you could’ve, but my mother raised me with manners. Ready to go?” She nodded, and he motioned for her to follow him. He led her to a _Prius?_ Rey couldn’t help it, she stared at it like an idiot.

 

“You seem surprised.”

 

“No, well yes. I guess I was expecting something more...flashy? Actually I don’t know what I was expecting.”

 

At that, Ben laughed. Rey felt her face heat up in embarrassment. _Nice going Rey._

 

“Well I did I own a BMW once upon a time, but I was constantly paranoid about it getting stolen, so I got rid of it. This guy however,” he said gesturing to the Prius, “is eco friendly, and I’m pretty sure no one’s about to steal it, so it’s a win-win.”

 

And just like that, her nerves calmed enough for her to regain her composure. He held the passenger side door open for her, like a true gentleman. Of course she knew men like that still existed, but they were a rarity these days. It was refreshing to see.

 

As he pulled out of the driveway, the easy going atmosphere suddenly changed. For a moment, Rey thought perhaps she’d somehow upset him, until she noticed the slight tremor that ran through him, while he squeezed the steering wheel for dear life.

 

Oh. He was _nervous._ Her heart went out to him. She knew exactly what that felt like, and she’d never wish that upon anyone. She needed to fix this.

 

“So, where are we headed?” The question seemed to catch him by surprise, but it had the intended effect.

 

“Oh, um, I thought I’d take you to this old diner I used to go to when I was a kid. Haven’t been there in ages, but I always loved their milkshakes.” He paused, “i-is that alright?”

 

Rey didn’t miss the way he stumbled over his words. She wished more than anything she could say something to put his mind at ease, but she just didn’t know him well enough for that yet. “Of course! That sounds lovely, and I have been known to go crazy over a good milkshake.” The grin he gave in return, told her that perhaps she’d succeeded in her mission to make him feel more comfortable.

 

* * *

 

The diner, as it turned out, was a popular 50’s style diner that Rey just fell in love with the moment she walked in. Everything about it was warm and inviting. She noticed Ben tense up every now and then, as he looked around, but he seemed to be in better spirits.

 

Rey was unsure of what to order, so she told Ben to surprise her, and pick something. And it turned out, she’d made the right choice. He’d ordered a simple Fish and Chips meal, and it was to die for.

 

“This is really good!” She knew it was bad manners to talk with a full mouth, but at the moment, she didn’t care.

 

“You like it?” She nodded while she took a sip of her milkshake. “I used to order that every time I came here with my mother.” Right, he’d mentioned something about that earlier.

 

“Used to?”

 

“I uh, I haven’t exactly been back here in years. Was kind of hard to look around this place and be reminded of how things used to be…” he trailed off.

 

She remembered something Finn had told her, _“don’t say anything about his mother, it’s a touchy subject.”_ This must’ve been a part of it. Rey was curious to know what happened, but she wouldn’t pry. Instead, she reached across the table, resting a hand on his, not missing the way he froze at the sudden contact. “Thank you for bringing me here, and sharing this with me.”

 

He seemed to relax a bit after that, and Rey smiled. Sometimes he reminded her so much of Kylo, it was crazy.

 

Rey could sense that he was still nervous at times, so she took control of the conversation, something she _never_ did. She was actually proud of herself for once. She asked him all sorts of questions, in an attempt to put his mind at ease, and so far, it seemed to be working. The conversation seemed to flow easily, until he got a text. His phone lit up, and Rey could’ve sworn she saw a very _familiar_ looking dog in the background. But before she could get a better look, Ben hurried to pick up the phone.

 

_You’re just imagining things, Rey._

 

“Everything alright?”

 

Startled, Ben looked up. “Oh, yeah, everything’s uh, everything’s fine. Poe just wants to meet up later.” She didn’t miss the way he fumbled as he slid his phone into his pocket.

 

“Oh?”

 

“We’ll probably just go out for drinks or something like that. It’s one of Poe’s favorite pastimes.” While she didn’t know Poe very well, it definitely sounded like him.

 

All too soon, lunch came to an end. Rey found herself not wanting to leave Ben’s company, but she couldn’t keep him any longer. He probably had things to do, she supposed.

 

When they pulled into the hotel parking lot, Ben was out and had her door open for her before she’d even realized it. “Thank you, you’re such a gentleman.” She flashed a smile, causing a slight blush to appear on his face. “Seriously though, thank you for today, I had a really nice time, Ben. I-I’d love to do this again sometime.”

 

He looked at her, clearly not expecting her to say that. “Really?” He coughed, trying to cover up his nerves. “I had a great time as well. I-oh, wait!” She watched as he pulled a small bag out from the back seat. “I uh, I saw this and I thought of you. I’m familiar with some plant facts, so I thought you’d like it.”

 

Rey took the bag, opening it to reveal a small potted moon cactus. It was simply adorable. “Ben, this is so sweet, thank you!” And it _was_ sweet. He’d clearly put a lot of thought into this.

 

As she said her goodbyes, Rey couldn’t help but look forward to the next time she’d see Ben.


	19. can I have your address?

               The first thing that Ben thought when he and Poe went out for drinks by themselves was, _thank god,_ he wasn’t sure he could do much socializing outside of Poe right now. Even going out to lunch with Rey was a lot for him. “Hey, buddy. How’s it going?”

               “It’s going,” He sighed. Poe ordered two pints, watching Ben carefully as he sat down.

               “That bad?”

               “It’s fine, man.” Ben was grateful as soon as the beer came his way, looking down into his drink instead of at Poe. “I just—I need a breather.” Poe nodded and sat down. The two of them shared silence for just a little bit before Poe said anything.

               “I’m sorry again—for springing everything on you. I just really—”

               “If you apologize one more time,” Ben laughed, “it’s fine. It’s really fine. I get what you were thinking and honestly, I’m glad that you did it, but it’s a bit of a trip.”

               “I get that man, I get that. How was your thing with Rey?”

               “It was good,” Ben said, “I hope. At least. I’m not sure.”

               “Can I tell you want she thought about it?” _Oh god, did she already tell Poe about it?_ “Finn, Rey, and I went out and saw some touristy stuff. Rey got some crappy American memorabilia to take with her when she goes back to the UK. Anyways, that’s not the point. In the car, she would not shut up about you.” Ben nearly choked on his beer when heard that.

               “Wait, what?”

               “Oh, yeah. You gave her a moon cactus?”

               “Yeah,”

               “Well she really, really loved it.”

               “That’s good to know,”

               “She also said that she was glad that you were just as nervous as she was about hanging out. Made her feel a little better.” Well, he was glad that his anxiety could help someone. “But most of all she said that you were really, really sweet and that she loved your hair.”

               “Oh my god,”

               “You have to tell her, dude.”

               “I know that I do, and I want to. I just—I don’t know how,” He said lamely. “Just give me some time, and I will before she leaves.”

__

               It was one at night when Ben decided to get into his car and drive. It was stupid, but it was something that he needed to do. When Ben was young, sometimes he would have panic attacks. His father had no idea how to deal with it, but he would tell Ben that they would go somewhere if he could just get up and walk to the car with him.

               Ben wasn’t sure why, but every time, they would just drive for hours with the windows down. Han wouldn’t even talk, Johnny Cash or Carol King would just play on his crappy cassette player and they would sit in silence otherwise.

               Ben ended up in the parking lot of some grocery store.

               He called his mother.

               She answered. “Ben, what are you doing awake right now?”

               “I couldn’t sleep,” He told her, “how are you doing?”

               “I’m fine.”

               “Are you busy?”

               “Yes, but I’m taking a break, so it’s fine.”

               “I can call you back later, if you’re—”

               “It’s nothing that can’t wait, sweetheart. Tell me what’s up.”

               “There’s a lot.” He said. Taking in a deep breath, he kept talking. “I really miss Dad, I miss you…I just…”

               “Are you okay?”

               “Yeah,” Ben said, “I’m fine, Mom. There’s just a lot going on and I want to tell you about it because you’re my mother.” Another shaky breath. Ben found himself staring at the neon sign of the Wal-Mart not far away from him. “I’ve been having a lot of feelings lately about everything, and I just really wanted to talk about it to someone. Um, anyways. I met this girl,” He could hear his mother start to get excited in the background, “and I really like her a lot. Like more than a lot. She gets me and she’s adorable and she’s way out of my league.”

               “What makes you think that this girl is out of your league?”

               “Mom, if you saw her…”

               “Ben, let me tell you something and you better listen to it. You have really shitty self-esteem.”

               “Yeah, I know.”

               “But that doesn’t mean it’s true. You’ve grown up to be such a great looking young man, and such a sweet boy, and you’re so strong. You’ve been through so much and you are a lot more impressive of a person than I could ever hope to have raised. You make me proud every day and I know that Han was so proud of you. He constantly talked about how you were such a better person than he was when he was young and how when we split, he didn’t want to stop coming around and…he would just be really proud of you.” Every time Leia talked about his father; Ben was surprised. Even now.

               “Thanks,”

               “Anyways, sorry for interrupting. Keep going. Does this girl have a name?”

               “Rey,” He said, “her name is Rey and she’s from the UK and she’s literally the most beautiful person ever. Inside and out.”

               “Sounds like a keeper,”

               “She really is,”

               “Have you told her that you like her?” There was a lot of things that Ben had to tell her. About him. About Kylo Ren. He really wanted to tell her everything, and he would. He just didn’t know how. He didn’t want to mess it up. “I’m going to guess from the silence that you haven’t told her.”

               “No,” He said.

               “Well,” Leia sighed, “I know that kind of thing was always hard for you. So, I guess I can’t be surprised. But I’m assuming that this girl is here on a visitor’s visa?”

               “Yeah, she is.”

               “Then you have to tell her, do you think she feels the same way about you?”

               “I think so, but I don’t know. I’ve, I-I’ve never been good at telling that sort of thing.”

               “So, you’re scared of rejection.”

               “Yes,”

               “Okay,” There was a long silence before his mother spoke anymore, “rejection is something that happens all the time, sweetheart. You think I just outright said yes to your father when he told me that he liked me? No, I rejected him over and over and over again until he stopped being an asshole and asked me out in a way that wasn’t kind of rude. But, you’re not an asshole like your dad used to be.” Ben laughed a little at that. “What is this girl like?”

               “She’s got really bad anxiety, recently she’s been trying to overcome it and just took this spontaneous trip to the states because she’d never been outside of her country. She’s super nice and kind of self-conscious, a lot of her life she’s been pretty lonely.”

               “She sounds a lot like you,”

               “I guess,”

               “She also sounds like the kind of girl that would like someone like you,”

               “It’s just—what if I tell her and I mess up?”

               “This girl, Rey, she sounds like she would be very forgiving. So, whatever mistake you made wouldn’t be permanent. Just tell her everything, Ben. You don’t need to overthink it. You don’t need to plan it out, you just need to tell her how you feel and hope that she feels the same way. Don’t think about what will happen if she doesn’t like you, you can deal with that later. Always deal with the negatives later, sweetheart.”

               “Okay, thanks. I think that I know what I need to do now,”

               “Good,” Leia said. “That’s great.”

               “Thank you for your help.”

               “Thank you for calling me,”

               “I just really needed to hear your voice,”

               “I get that, sometimes I need to hear your voice too. Call again soon, please.”

               “I will.” Ben said. “I will.”

               “And sweetheart, get some sleep.” Ben laughed half-heartedly.

               “I will, Mom. I promise.”

               “Goodnight,”

               “Goodnight,”

__

**_Rey:_ ** _okay so I swear that im not doing this on purpose but finn got called into work again and I really don’t like staying in places alone so if it’s not too much trouble would you like to go to the movies with me? I heard that Knives Out is out and Rian Johnson is my favorite director, so can we go? I just got some money converted to dollars and I can split the bill with you_

**_Ben:_ ** _if im taking you out anywhere im paying_

**_Rey:_ ** _☹_

_But_

_What if I want to split the bill?_

**_Ben:_ ** _Okay but what if I want to pay? Because I really do want to pay. I liked the trailer for Knives Out so it’d be paying for a movie I want to go see with a girl that I would really like to go see a movie with_

**_Rey:_** _so you wanna go see a movie with me?_

**_Ben:_ ** _yes I really do_

**_Rey:_ ** _yay!!!_

_That’s great_

_Bc honestly sometimes I feel like im really annoying or people get sick of me super fast and I wouldn’t have told you but I probably would’ve been lowkey devastated if you said no_

**_Ben:_ ** _I don’t know in what universe I would’ve ever said no to you_

_You’re kind of awesome_

_And I could never get sick of you_

**_Rey:_ ** _you’re such a sweetheart solo_

**_Ben:_ ** _I’ll book a time and then I’ll get you a little before so that we can get something to eat as well_

**_Rey:_ ** _if you don’t mind I would really like the American snacks experience at the movies_

**_Ben:_ ** _if that’s what you want then that’s what you’ll get_

****

               In between the time in which it took to book some seats and get Rey, the two of them had started talking about random things. Memes. Books they read. Songs they like. This time Ben isn’t as nervous when he goes to get Rey. She comes in with her hair done up in three buns and a soft sweater and jeans and god, she looks so adorable. “Hi!” He got out of the car to greet her.

               “I was going to go to your room and get you—”

               “I know, I just was so excited that I just came out here. Sorry.”

               “No need,” Without asking her too, and out of the blue, Rey hugged him. Rey actually hugged him, and his brain felt like it was going explode. She pulled back from him and blushed a little bit.

               “Sorry,”

               “Don’t say sorry.” Ben said. “I’m excited too,” He moved over to the passenger side to open Rey’s door for her.

               “I always get thrown off by the cars here, it’s weird.”

               “I’d imagine that it would be weird.”

               Ok, so he was a little bit nervous. But he wasn’t shaking so far so that was a good thing. “So I heard that some theatres sell pickles? Is that a thing? To just sell a whole dill pickle?”

               “Yeah, they put it in a little foil bag and everything.”

               “I’m not sure how I feel about that.”

               “I’m not much of a pickle at the theatre fan myself. Plus the crunching would make a lot of noise and I like to draw as little attention to myself as possible.”

               “I get that,” Rey said. “I totally hate when people pay attention to me, it’s gross.”

               “So gross,”

               “Is there anything that you would recommend?”

               “I mean, literally everything in America is oversaturated in butter. There’s also copious amounts of chocolate everything there, so—yeah.”

               “I can’t wait,” Rey said, “it sounds like a heart attack waiting to happen!”

               “It totally is, if that’s what you’re into.”

               “I’m paying for the snacks, by the way.”

               “ _Rey,”_

               “Solo, you’re not arguing with me on this. I went to the bank and got some cash, I’m paying for the snacks and I don’t care how expensive they are.”

               He glanced over at Rey and she stared back at him. “I’m not fighting you on this, am I?”

               “No, you’re not.”

               “Suit yourself,” He sighed, “you can pay for snacks.”

               “Yay!”

               “I’ve never seen someone so enthusiastic to pay for something in their life,”

               “Everyone’s been paying for my everything on this trip and while I’m really grateful I just—I want to pay for something.”

               “I can understand that,” He said, “you can pay for snacks. I’ll pay for tickets.”

               “Deal.” They talked the whole way to the theatre. This time the conversation was a lot less stilted, and Ben felt himself feeling more at ease as he talked to her. He was glad that the salvation of being unable to talk in the theatre was coming though, because he wasn’t sure how much longer he could last.

               The movie was great. Ben would probably have to come back and see it later. He ended up mostly looking over at Rey when she would get a handful of popcorn. Ben realized that he didn’t want this to end, but he knew that it was going to. That was why he was relieved when Rey asked if the two of them could just walk around the town square next to the theatre. “Oh sure,”

               “Unless you don’t want to.”

               “I want to,”

               “Okay,” Then Ben did the most forward thing that he had ever done in his life. He took her hand. It wasn’t a forceful gesture in the slightest, and Ben made sure that he left enough slack in his hand so that she could pull away if she didn’t want to do that. But she squeezed his hand in response and his grip tightened? Was she blushing? Because he knew that he was. The two of them walked in silence for a little bit before Rey started to talk.

               “Thank you for taking me out,”

               “It’s not a problem, I enjoyed it.”

               “Good,” Rey took in one shaky breath, “also thank you for the gift the other day.” There was more silence between them and then she asked, “What made you start reading up on plant facts?”

               _Tell her. Tell her. Tell her. Tell her. Tell her. Tell her._ “Oh, I just have a lot of free time.” He said. “I also know a lot of really weird trivia that’s never useful to me.”

               “Oh, really? Like what?”

               “The platypus and echidna don’t have stomachs.” Ben cringed inwardly. God, he was such a nerd sometimes.

               “Wait, what?”

               “I know, right?”

               “If they don’t have stomachs, how do they—”

               “That I don’t know.”

               “I’m going to have to look that up later.” The two of them kept walking. Rey bit her lip. “So, Ben. You told me that you had a dog?”

               “Yeah, he’s pretty great.”

               _Don’t ask for pictures. Don’t ask for pictures. Don’t ask for pictures. I’m not ready. I’m really, really not ready._ “How long have you had him?” _Oh thank god._

               “A long time, really. Like as long as I can remember. Named him after my dad’s first dog.”

               “Yeah?” Instead of asking what the dog’s name was, she asked about his father. “You and your father close?”

               “We were. He died.”

               “Oh my god, I’m so sorry for bringing that up.” Her step faltered.

               “It’s fine,” He said, “it really is.” He told her. “It was a while ago, so yeah. It’s fine.”

               “Still, awkward subject that I shouldn’t bring up.”

               “Rey,”

               “Yeah?”

               “You can ask me anything, it doesn’t matter if it’s awkward or not.” He watched a little smile come across Rey’s face. She squeezed his hand tight.

               “Same goes to you by the way, I trust you.”

               “That’s good,”

               “Ben?”

               “Yeah?”

               “Can I ask you a question?”

               “I mean, you just did.”

               “Haha, very funny.”

               “I’m here all day,” Rey stopped holding his hand. Ben was pretty sure he knew what she was going to ask, and he would explain all of it, but he wasn’t ready for any of this to end. It was selfish, to wish that he had never lied to her but not want to tell her who he was. Ben hated it.

               “After I leave, it’s going to cost a lot to text. Do you want to exchange addresses or emails so that we can keep in touch?” If Ben gave her his address, she’d know.

               “I can text you my details later,” He said. “I’d love to stay in touch.”

               “Good. Great.” She grabbed onto Ben’s hands again. “Now, let’s keep walking.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Knives Out was really good by the way, highly recommend.


	20. Rey

Rey usually considered herself a patient person, but today, she was being tested.

 

She’d only been in Oregon for a short time, so there hadn’t been much of an opportunity to sight see. That changed however, when Finn and Poe had invited her on a road trip to Crater Lake, where they would then camp for the night. This was their way of making it up to her for being so busy with work, but she didn’t mind. Rey was just excited to spend time with her friends.

 

It should’ve taken about five hours to reach their destination, but somewhere along the way, Poe had taken a wrong turn, and they’d found themselves _lost._ He swore by his GPS, and refused to ask for directions, much to Finn’s annoyance. Admittedly, Rey was also a bit put off by Poe’s refusal to ask for directions, but as she watched them bicker back and forth, she couldn’t help but laugh, these two really were made for each other.

 

She wondered if she’d ever have something like that, with someone special. Of course, she instantly thought of Kylo. Oh, he’d have a right laugh over this, she was sure. And then, thoughts of Ben swam through her mind, and Rey cursed herself for her ridiculous luck. She liked _two_ men, but neither cared for her in that way and it was high time she accepted that.

 

She was jolted from her rather depressing thoughts, when she heard Poe sigh in frustration. It seemed that after some coaxing, which may have involved Finn threatening to sleep on the couch upon their return, Poe relented. After what seemed like forever, but in reality was only about 45 minutes, they were back on the road.

 

Once they’d finally reached Crater Lake, Rey was absolutely astonished. It was truly the most beautiful place she’d ever seen. She felt so at peace here, and part of her never wanted to leave. There was so much to see, that Rey wasn’t sure what to do first. Poe had mentioned something about taking a boat tour to Wizard Island, as well as some hiking, and Rey couldn’t contain her excitement. She took as many pictures as possible, hoping to share these moments with Maz when she returned home, and Kylo.

 

As the day wore on, the three of them explored as much as they possibly could for one day, and it finally came time for them to head back to their campsite. Once the tent had been set up, a fire was lit. She watched as the two of them made s’mores.

 

“Here, try this.” Finn said, as he handed her the morsel.

 

Rey eyed it with curiosity, wondering what it would taste like. She’d never had s’mores before, but as soon as she took a bite, she was in heaven. “Finn! This is-this is absolutely amazing!”

 

“I knew she’d like it,” she heard Poe say to his boyfriend. “Well there’s more where that came from, come on.” Both Finn and Poe motioned for her to move closer to the fire, and watch as they made another.

 

It was much later that night after her friends had turned in, that Rey found herself awake. She was glad she’d had the foresight to bring a pen and paper so she could write to Kylo. Rey told him all about her adventures for the day, and especially how she’d tried s’mores for the very first time. She missed Kylo something fierce. As much as she loved her time here, part of her couldn’t wait to return home so she could resume her correspondence with him.

 

* * *

  
Early the next morning, Rey helped Finn pack up the tent, along with the rest of their belongings, while Poe carried everything to the car.

 

“So, did you have a good time?”

 

“Good? I had a blast!”

 

Finn chuckled at her enthusiasm, “I’m glad. I felt bad that I couldn’t get out of work and hang with you more, so I hope this made up for that.”

 

How was she so lucky to have found such a caring, thoughtful friend? “Finn, I understand. You have nothing to apologize for. You’ve done more for me than I could ever imagine.” Rey pulled him into a hug, “thank you for everything.”

 

“So…” he said, pulling away just enough to look her in the eye. Why did she have the feeling that her friend’s next words would be a trip? “When were you gonna tell me that you went on yet another date with Ben?”

 

Rey spluttered. Whatever she’d been expecting, it certainly hadn’t been _that._ A date? They knew about her lunch with Ben, but-of course. Poe had probably talked to Ben at some point, and Poe being Poe, got the wrong idea. “It wasn’t a date, honest. You both were busy and I was bored, so I asked Ben if he wanted to see a movie with me. I expected him to politely decline actually, but he didn’t.”

 

“Uh huh.”

 

“Why does it sound like you don’t believe me?”

 

“Because my dear Rey, I don’t.” He said, flashing that grin of his.

 

“Well I hate to tell you, that’s all it was, and all it will be.” She said forcing a smile, finding herself disappointed at the realization.

 

Before Finn could say anything more, Poe returned. “Alright, looks like we’re all set. You two ready?” He looked at them both for a moment, noticing something was _off._ “Did I miss something?”

 

“Nope!” Rey made a beeline for the car, pointedly ignoring Poe’s hushed conversation with Finn.

 

Soon enough, they were off.

 

She sat in the back seat mesmerized as she watched the scenery fly by. Finn and Poe were engaged in a heated debate on whether some dress was in fact white and gold, or blue and black, of all things. They’d tried several times to get Rey to settle it, but she was having none of it. Those two were like an old married couple, and she wasn’t about to get in the middle of that. She’d long ago tuned them out, in favor of taking in all the sights that passed them by.

 

They’d just reached Portland city limits, and were almost home when Rey heard the distinct sound of their car, puttering to a stop.

 

“Oh come on!” Poe pulled the car over, and got out to prop the hood up.

 

“What’s happened?”

 

“Dunno,” Finn said, as he got out to check on Poe. Rey stayed put, as she watched the two speak. Not long after, Finn slid into the driver’s seat, trying to start the car. After a few failed attempts, he stuck his head out of the window to let Poe know that it wouldn’t start.

 

Great. So they were stuck on the side of the road, with no one else around. Rey wasn’t sure how they’d get out of this one.

 

She decided to get out and see what exactly had gone wrong for herself. By the looks of it, everything _seemed_ okay, but she knew from experience that looks can be deceiving. “Have you figured out what happened?”

 

“I’m not sure. Since it won’t start, I'll have to call a tow truck.” Poe let out a frustrated sigh, as Finn came to stand next to her. “Look, Ben lives just up the road. You two go up there, tell him the situation. He’s not answering his phone right now, but I know he’s home.” He handed Finn a note with Ben’s address scrawled on it. In that moment, Rey could’ve sworn it looked almost familiar. She tried to get a closer look, but Finn quickly tucked it away in his pocket.

 

Rey hardly had time to process the fact that _Ben_ lived nearby, before Finn spoke. “Poe we’re not leaving you behind, what are you thinking?”

 

For his part, Poe smirked. “You worry too much. I’ll be fine. Besides, there’s no reason all three of us should wait here. I’d rather stay with the car until the tow truck arrives anyway.”

 

“Poe, are you sure? What if Ben’s really not home, or what if he‘s busy and doesn’t answer?” Rey couldn’t help but worry.

 

“Trust me Rey, he’s home. I hardly think he’ll turn _you_ away…” he trailed off with a smile. What was _that_ supposed to mean? “Look, it’s starting to rain. You two better get going. It’s about a 10 minute walk from here, I’d guess. I’ll take an Uber to Ben’s later, after I finish up with this.”

 

Right on cue, Rey felt a droplet of water land on her nose. Great. Now she’d be stuck walking in the rain. Not exactly how she pictured this day turning out, but like everything else, she’d have to grin and bear it. “He’s right Finn, we should go before it gets worse.”

 

Her friend was hesitant at first, but after a few hushed words and a kiss, Poe waved them off.

 

And then they left.

 

* * *

 

About 15 minutes later, Finn and Rey found themselves on the porch of Ben’s home, dripping wet from the downpour they’d encountered along the way. She was embarrassed to be meeting Ben again under these circumstances, especially given the state of her appearance. Finn rang the doorbell, and they waited. _What if he really wasn’t home?_

 

She’d had only moments to get a look at Ben’s home. It was a quaint little two story, tucked away in the outskirts of town, surrounded by nature. Rey noticed that he also had a mixture of plants and flowers planted out front, almost like a mini garden of sorts. Somehow it was all very _Ben._

 

She was just about to get a closer look at them, when the door suddenly opened.

 

In the doorway stood a _very_ flustered looking Ben. His hair seemed to be wet, as well as his clothes. _Had he been out in the rain too?_ Ben didn’t take his eyes off of her once, and Rey found herself drawn to them.

 

_Did he feel it too?_

 

Finn cleared his throat, hoping to break the awkward tension. He explained everything that happened, which seemed to snap Ben out of his daze. “Oh of course, come in.”

 

As she passed him, she noticed Ben’s hand shake ever so slightly. “Hi...sorry for getting your carpet all wet.” _Good one Rey._

 

He gave that warm smile that always seemed to be reserved for her. “Don’t worry about it, really. Help yourself to anything you want in the kitchen, I uh, I’ll be right back.” She watched him go, wondering if he was uncomfortable with her being here. Or maybe he just wasn’t prepared for guests.

 

Rey wandered over to the kitchen, to find Finn already helping himself to some cookies. “Finn! What are you doing?” She whispered harshly.

 

“What? He said we could help ourselves?”

 

“Yes, but-”

 

“Here, take one.” Against her better judgement, she took the cookie anyway. Of course, right as she took a bite, Ben would choose _that_ moment to return, now wearing dry clothes.

 

There was another awkward silence as Rey attempted to hide the cookie she’d been eating, even though Ben could clearly see it. Rey didn’t know why she felt like she was caught doing something she shouldn’t have. Finn was right, Ben _had_ said they could help themselves. Even still, Rey couldn’t fight the embarrassing blush that took over.

 

Having sensed the awkward tension, Finn excused himself to go wash up. “Sorry, I uh…” _Rey what are you doing?_ What was even happening right now? She usually had no trouble talking to Ben, as she got to know him better. Something about being in _his_ home, seemed to undo all the progress she’d made. “Sorry to intrude on you like this, Poe said he tried to phone you-”

 

“Rey, it’s okay. Really. I’m glad you’re here, instead of being stuck out in the storm.” Though he _sounded_ like he meant it, the way he almost _refused_ to look her in the eye told her that he was most definitely nervous. She needed to find a way to alleviate the situation. Ben was in his own home, and he deserved to feel at ease here.

 

“Were you?” Seeing his confusion, she continued. “Out in the storm, I mean. When you answered the door, your clothes...they were all wet.”

 

And just like that, Ben was starting to get anxious again. _Nice going Rey._ “Oh, I was just-” before he could continue, Finn joined them once more. For the first time ever, Rey was glad for the distraction. She couldn’t quite put her finger on it, but she had the distinct feeling that _she_ was making Ben nervous.

 

The two of them started talking, while Rey quietly left to clean herself up a bit. Part of her didn’t want to leave Ben, but she figured he needed a break from her, if she really was the cause of his anxiety.

 

As she walked down the long hallway in search of the loo, something caught her attention. Or rather, _someone._  That someone took the form of a rather giant, yet oddly familiar looking creature. Rey approached the dog slowly, waiting for him to give her a sign that it was okay to pet him. And when he did, she didn’t hesitate to give the dog a nice scratch behind the ears. His fur was damp. That would account for Ben’s wet clothing then. He’d given his pet a bath, it would seem. “Well hello there, I’m Rey.” The giant fluff ball of a dog almost pounced on her, licking her face up and down. Rey laughed, what a sweetheart! Why hadn’t Ben introduced her? “Aren’t you just the cutest thing? What’s your name?” She found the dog’s name tag, and when she turned it over, her stomach turned.

 

_Chewie._ His name is _Chewie._

 

This had to be some strange coincidence. There was absolutely _no way_ this could be the same dog she had photos of, sitting on her nightstand back home. Her mind was so preoccupied, that she didn’t have time to prepare herself when _Chewie_ actually did pounce, causing her to bump into the table directly behind her. Several things fell from the table as a result, and Rey scrambled to put them back in place before Ben came.

 

Among the items strewn on the floor, two things in particular, caught her attention. She almost didn’t believe what she was seeing, until she held the _Big Ben_ statue in her hand. Rey turned it over several times before coming to the conclusion that this was in fact, the very same souvenir she’d sent to _Kylo._ And then there was the scrapbook. It had fallen open, and what she saw couldn’t be a coincidence. In it, held every letter she’d ever sent to _Kylo,_ as well as _all_ of the flowers she’d sent along with them.

 

Rey couldn’t breathe. Ben was _Kylo._ The man she’d been writing to for months, the man she’d confessed deep, dark secrets to, the man who had become the most important person in her life, the man she’d grown to _love._ She felt a sudden sense of anger and hurt. Had he known who she was this _entire_ time? What was he playing at? Why hadn’t he told her the truth? He _lied_ to her. Suddenly, everything made perfect sense. This was the reason why he was so nervous about her being here in his home. It was also the reason why he hadn’t introduced her to Chewie, because of course she would recognize him. Even the moon cactus...he’d known about that because it was _he,_ who knew about Rey’s love of plants and flowers. And the address...she knew there was something familiar about the address written in Finn’s note.. Rey had only been sending letters to  _this_ address for the better part of half the year. She really should’ve figured this out sooner.

 

She couldn’t keep the tears from coming even if she wanted to, with only Chewie there to comfort her.


	21. I've Made a Fucking Mess || If I'm Being Honest

_It wasn’t the first time that Ben Solo had been to therapy. It wasn’t the first time that he had been hospitalized when Snoke did what he did. Before that, there were still times when things would get too much. “If you could go back would you ever hit the undo button—on having me?” He had asked his mother. He wasn’t very old. She just looked at him with a look on her face that Ben took as anger._

_“Why would you say something like that?”_

_He wasn’t very old when he nearly killed himself the first time. “Ben,” Ben looked up at his therapist. “You haven’t said anything for the past hour. Is there a reason why?”_

_“I don’t know what to talk about,” He shrugged, “nothing new has happened since the last time that we had a meeting.”_

_“You’re getting out soon,” The woman said, “aren’t you excited about that? You’ll get to see your dog again.”_

_“I’m always excited to see my dog,”_

_“And your mother?”_

_“I really don’t want to talk about her today, this is the second to last session. I would just like to talk about—anything else.” The therapist nodded sympathetically. “What about your dad?” She asked._

 

__

 

When Ben Solo was a little kid, he learned not to talk about things. His mother did not seem to really care about the things that happened to him (something that he would find out was later untrue) and was always busy, so when something bad would happen he would just hide until he didn’t need to confront it anymore. Now, he knew that was bad. It didn’t stop him from going to his room and locking the door behind him, because he wasn’t ready for the storm that was about to happen. It was only a matter of time before Rey would know.

 

Maybe she already knew.

 

She already knew and she would be so mad at him that she wouldn’t want to talk to him—ever—and he would spend the rest of his life alone and he deserved it. Fuck. He was catastrophizing. He really needed to stop doing that.

 

He took in a deep breath, looking around his room at all the breakable things that were in there. That was how he ended up in the walk out closet that he had never used in his life, taking in deep breaths, trying to process everything.

 

He spent more time than anything wondering why he couldn’t just say things without crippling anxiety stopping him and making life hard for him. He wondered why every medicine he had ever taken had given him a bad reaction except for the weakest anti-depressant that he could be prescribed, and he wished he was someone else.

 

He closed his eyes.

 

It would be a mercy if someone just made him stop existing right here and now.

 

__

 

_“Sometimes I don’t know why my dad lets me hang out with him.”_

_“And why’s that?”_

_“Because,” Ben said, “I hate confrontation, I hate sports, and I get really bad anxiety.”_

_“Has your father ever made you feel like you’re less than? Has he ever ignored you or done anything—”_

_“No,” Ben said, “my dad’s great. I just wish that I could live up to that. I really can’t. It’s like he just says whatever he wants to say and he’s not afraid of anything and I just don’t want to be afraid anymore.”_

__

 

Part of him wondered if this was the universe punishing him. Giving him happiness but making him make so many mistakes that he would ultimately lose it.

 

No.

 

This was his fault.

 

It wasn’t the universe’s fault.

 

It wasn’t anyone else’s fault but his and feeling sorry for himself wasn’t going to make this better. It wasn’t going to make him lying any better, no matter if the intentions were good or not. He wasn’t sure how long he had been there when there was a knock at the door.

 

__

 

_It was Han who picked Ben up from the hospital. “Hey, kid. How are you doing?” Ben shrugged and got into the passenger seat of Han’s car. The first few minutes of the two of them driving home were spent in silence, but then Ben spoke._

_“Where’s mom?” Han looked at him with an uncertain look on his face. It was that look that parents got on their face when they were trying to tell their kid something that would disappoint—but not surprise them—in the gentlest way possible._

_“She’s at work,”_

_“Oh,”_

_Han was silent again for a bit before he said, “You know that movie theatre that does classics every Tuesday?” Ben nodded. “They’re showing Rebel Without a Cause, want to see it?” Rebel Without a Cause was one of the movies that Han and Ben had watched over and over again despite the fact that Leia hated it._

_Ben’s eyes gleamed and suddenly he could feel his spirits sore, “That’d be really nice.”_

_“Then we could go get some burgers before we go home and you can pet the dog.”_

_“That’d be really nice,”_

_“Good. That’s what we’ll do then.”_

__

 

He knew it was Rey. There was another knock at the door. “Ben, open the door.” She hissed. He wondered if she would go away if he stayed silent in there. He didn’t though. He got out of the closet and walked to the door, opening it slowly.

 

Rey knew.

 

She was mad. He let her come in and close the door behind her. “I’m not going to yell at you because Finn is home and despite everything, I don’t want to embarrass you further, but I want you to know that I am thoroughly pissed at you right now.” Ben didn’t say anything. “But I’m also confused because what the hell? I was going to go out there and wait in the rain for Poe to come back to take me to the airport but I called a friend of mine and she told me that I should hear you out. So why did you lie to me?”

 

It was pretty clear that she was trying really hard not to yell at him, “Why didn’t you tell me that you were Kylo? Why did you use a fake name in the first place? What the fuck was that about?” The last part of that sentence was more of a shout than Rey had intended. Her cursing had more of a bite than Ben thought that it would, and it stung so much.

 

It hurt so much that Ben flinched.

__

_After the movie, Ben and Han had gone home and Ben had played with his dog for a while. Leia hadn’t come home that night and if it had been earlier, Han would have been gone too. He wasn’t, though. He was there right next to Ben watching as he played with the dog._

_Then they were quiet for a while. Han didn’t make Ben go to bed at his normal time. They both just sat there. Then Ben did something he never did. He told Han what was on his mind. “Sometimes I feel like a disappointment of a son.”_

_“You’re not a disappointment,” Han said almost immediately. He didn’t hesitate at all when Ben said that. He didn’t make him feel bad. He didn’t tell him not to say that sort of thing. “You are not.”_

_“That doesn’t stop me from feeling like you should have had a better son. Someone that’s good at sports and happy all the time and easy to be around. I don’t feel easy to be around in the slightest.”_

_“Nobody is ever easy, Ben. Nobody is easy to be around, easy to raise.”_

_“But—”_

_“Listen, kid. You’re obviously not going to be a parent any time soon but let me tell you something that I learned. Parenting is going to be hard. No matter who you’re raising, but I don’t want anyone else but you as a son. Got that. I don’t need anyone else to be my kid because every day, you make me proud to be your father.”_

 

__

 

“Well?” Rey was waiting for an explanation. “What the hell, Ben? I really want to know why any of this happened. I really—I’ll shut up. If I keep talking I’m just going to get more mad at you and you aren’t going to say anything. So…talk.” Ben swallowed and he swallowed hard. He felt like he was going to explode because he never did anything like this and he never wanted this. He wasn’t a confrontational person and he didn’t want to hurt Rey. He had hoped that he would be able to tell her.

 

“I was going to tell you,”

 

“Oh, you were?”

 

“Yes, I was.” He said sharply. He needed to calm down. “I was and I _sent_ you a letter explaining everything but obviously you didn’t get it. Believe me or not that’s the truth, I didn’t lie to you about anything else. Just my name.” He could see the emotions cross on her face. She opened her mouth to say something and then stopped. “And I didn’t know about you coming here, if you’re wondering about that. I didn’t know about Finn and Poe making this happen, I had nothing to do with that. T-That’s why I was so freaked out the first time that we met.”

 

“Why didn’t you just tell me then?”

 

“We were in a public place with someone that I didn’t know even though he’s Poe’s boyfriend, I didn’t want to tell you that while he was there.”

 

“We were in a kind of private place when you gave me your phone number.” He was silent for a minute.

 

“Yeah, you have a point.”

 

“I do. Tell me why you did it in the first place.” The rain was pouring down hard outside, lightning cracked outside, and Ben jumped in his skin a little.

 

__

_Ben started crying right then and there. He tried to wipe his tears away. He knew that Han had trouble with that. Trouble with crying. He didn’t know how to react to that. “I’m serious, kid. I wouldn’t trade you for the world.” Han turned off the TV. “Look at me, okay.” Ben turned. “I need you to know that I’m serious. If someone had told me before I met your mother that I would have a kid, I would have been scared. I’m telling you that because sometimes I feel like I’m not good enough for a father to you.”_

_“You are g—”_

_“If someone had told me that my kid would be funny, and kind, and smart, and passionate in his feelings and everything his does, I would’ve said, I wonder who they got that from because it ain’t me. Kid, you’re funny and kind and smart. Just because your brain tells you otherwise doesn’t mean that you’re everything that I wished my kid turned out to be.”_

_“Dad…”_

_“Yeah,”_

_“I love you,”_

_“I know kid, I love you too.”_

__

 

“There are a lot of things in my life that people judge me for,” Ben said, “I’m the son of a Senator and I’ve been in the news way too much. They um—I tried to commit suicide; they cover when I went into a hospital. It was um—really embarrassing for me. There’s other stuff that happened to me. I was abused by a politician uh—really badly, like I told you in my letter and uh, even though he was found guilty there are still people that think that I was lying about it.” He didn’t look at Rey. He couldn’t. He turned around for a second and stared out the window at the storm.  

 

“That’s one of the reasons I live out here, almost near the middle of nowhere. To get away from all that, because it’s—it’s really embarrassing.” When he turned back around, he saw that Rey didn’t look angry anymore. She was sitting at the foot of the bed and Ben sat down at the other end. He had to look Rey in the eye, he owed her that.

 

“When I started to write you, it was right after I had gotten out of the hospital for a suicide attempt. And I’m not—I’m not telling you this to make you feel bad and excuse everything that I’ve done because I get why you’re mad at me—I really get it. And I really am sorry that I didn’t tell you who I was the second that we met. I just need you to know _why_ I did what I did.” Good, he was talking, Ben kept talking.

 

“My therapist suggested that I make friends and since I didn’t really haver a way to do that, I went towards penpals because it was someone that I could talk to and they wouldn’t be able to judge me because we didn’t see each other. I made a fake name because I didn’t want to be googled and judged and lose another friend. I never thought that I would begin writing someone like you. You—You’re so beautiful and nice and I just—”  He took in a deep breath. He was about to tell her about his feelings for her, but right now really wasn’t the right time.

 

“You are literally the best person that I have ever had the pleasure of meeting, of talking to, of writing.  It was like you understood everything that I was feeling, and I needed that. But I thought that, you know, since I ruined everything by being me, I wouldn’t ruin it if I had a different name. Both so I wouldn’t get googled and so I could you know—could sort of pretend that I wouldn’t mess up something else in my life. I needed someone to talk to, but I understand how that’s not fair because you wanted a friend, not a mental health project. And if you never want to see me again or talk to me again, I get it. I really get it and I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

 

Rey was silent for a minute before saying, “I didn’t say that I never wanted to talk to you again.”


	22. Rey

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is terribly late, I’m so sorry.

She wanted to be angry. In fact, Rey knew she had every right to be. The hurt and betrayal she felt reminded her of every horrible part of her life that she’d tried so hard to put behind her. Rey didn’t want to believe the truth that was staring her right in the face, and she most certainly didn’t want to believe Ben had considered her nothing more than a _game._

 

But what else was she supposed to believe? A _friend_ would never do this, which meant he never actually saw her as one. That thought alone was enough to bring on a fresh round of tears.

 

The first thing she’d done before tracking Ben down, was call Maz. The older woman was wise, and Rey was certain she’d know what to do. Flashes of her shaking hands echoed through her mind, as she’d tried to dial Maz’s number through her tears. Chewie nuzzled her hand in an attempt to comfort her, looking straight into her eyes, as if he could feel her pain.

 

_“Rey?” She heard Maz’s familiar, soothing voice, but instead of forming words, a sob broke out from her once more. “Oh child, what’s happened?”_

 

_“M-Maz…” she said through tears. “He-he lied to me.”_

 

_Rey heard what she thought might be a gasp, before Maz spoke, “Who lied to you?”_

 

_She sucked in a shaky breath, and told Maz everything. Maz listened until the end, letting Rey get everything out._

 

_“Child...do you really believe this boy’s intention was to play with your heart?”_

 

_“No...I-I don’t know anymore Maz! I thought I knew him, but clearly, I didn’t.”_

 

_Maz sighed, “Rey I wish I could tell you everything will be alright, but I cannot make such a promise. What I can say is, that I believe you should give that boy a chance, and hear him out first. From what you’ve told me, he may very well have a good reason for not being forthcoming with you. I’m not saying he was right, but I believe there may be more to this, and you owe it yourself to find out.”_

 

_Rey considered her words, knowing that deep down, Maz was right. She was always right._

 

_“And,” Maz continued, “a letter arrived for you just after you left. I didn’t open it, but it’s from your Kylo.”_

 

_“Really?”_

 

_“Yes, really. Rey, please promise me that you’ll give him the chance to explain himself.”_

 

_She sighed, “alright. I’ll hear him out. But if it turns out he was playing me this entire time, I’m dropping everything and coming straight home.”_

 

_“I wouldn’t expect anything less.”_

 

Once she’d ended her call, Rey felt a renewed sense of strength wash over her. She could do this.

 

Rey pulled herself up, causing Chewie to nudge her slightly. “It’s alright Chewie, I’ll be okay.” The dog tilted his head in question, almost as if he didn’t believe her. She wasn’t quite sure if she believed her own words either.

 

As she went out in search of Ben, her mind struggled to come up with a plan. What exactly would she say to him? Before she’d even figured out what to say, Rey found him.

 

_“Ben, open the door.”_ She tried to keep her emotions out of this. She needed to keep a calm, level head if she was going to get answers. He was quiet, but she _knew_ he was there. After a long moment, he mumbled something that Rey took as the okay to enter. She closed the door behind her, and looked him over.

 

He looked _awful._ For a moment, she almost wanted to forget the conversation that she knew needed to happen. It was apparent that he knew, that she knew the truth. No, she couldn’t back out now.

 

_“I’m not going to yell at you because Finn is here and despite everything, I don’t want to embarrass you further, but I want you to know that I am thoroughly pissed at you right now.”_ She hadn’t meant for it to come out quite so harsh, but somehow, it had. Rey waited for a moment to see if he’d say anything, but he remained silent.

 

Realizing that he wasn’t about to try and defend himself, she pressed on. _“But I’m also confused because what the hell? I was going to go out there and wait in the rain for Poe to come back to take me to the airport but I called a friend of mine and she told me that I should hear you out. So why did you lie to me?”_

 

More silence. Now she was getting _really_ pissed. _“Why didn’t you tell me that you were Kylo? Why did you use a fake name in the first place? What the fuck was that about?_ ”

 

At that, Ben looked at her as though he were a deer caught in the headlights. He looked _frightened._ But all too quickly, it was replaced by shame. Ben sighed, and for the first time since she’d walked into the room, he looked her in the eyes. _“I was going to tell you…”_

 

As she listened to his story, Rey _wanted_ to be angry. She had convinced herself that there could be no other possible explanation for his behavior. However as she listened to Ben explain himself, she found it all the more difficult to stay angry.

 

As he went on, Rey fought to keep the tears at bay. Everything made sense now. She understood why he was afraid. And despite knowing she had a right to be upset, she felt guilty for being so angry with him in the first place.

 

_“...And if you never want to see me again or talk to me again, I get it. I really get it and I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”_

 

That brought her back to reality. She sighed, _“I didn’t say that I never wanted to talk to you again.”_

 

He looked at her then, face full of hope. “You-you still want to talk to me?”

 

Rey took a seat next to him, noting the subtle tremors in his hands. She took his right hand in hers, hoping to convey that no, she wouldn’t abandon him. “I’ll admit, I was angry, and I was hurt.” She stopped, swallowing the lump in her throat. “When I put everything together, I thought I was a joke to you-”

 

“Rey, no!” He interrupts, before she had the chance to finish. “I promise you, that’s never been the case. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Please, you have to believe me.”

 

“I know that now, I do. But I...I wanted to apologize as well.”

 

Ben looked almost offended. “What on earth do you have to apologize for? I’m the one who-”

 

“I feel like I owe you an apology as well, since I sort of...jumped to conclusions. And I...I’m sorry if I scared you...made you think I’d never speak to you again.”

 

“Rey, you don’t need to apologize. Of course I wouldn’t like it, but you’d have every right to not want to see me again.” She looked at him then, noting the sincerity in his eyes.

 

“Ben, you don’t have to worry about that, not anymore. I understand now.”

 

He pulled his hand away from her suddenly, stood up and paced around the room. “But I...I don’t really deserve your forgiveness, do I, Rey? I lied to you.” One step forward, two steps back. She thought they were on the right track, so why couldn’t he accept her forgiveness?

 

“But you didn’t. Maz told me that you’d sent a letter to me, and that it arrived after I’d already left. I suspect it’s the very same letter you just told me about. You _were_ honest, Ben.”

 

She watched him closely, noting the way his hands still shook, and the way his eyes refused to meet her own. It’s as if he didn’t hear her at all.

 

He’s closing himself off again, and she needs to do something.

 

Getting to her feet, Rey digs through her forgotten bag on the floor. Once she’s found what she’s looking for, Rey all but dumps the contents in his hands.

 

He gives her a strange look, “what are these?”

 

“See for yourself.” He turns them over to reveal five sealed letters, all addressed to Kylo. “I was going to send those off once I returned to England. These are all the letters I’ve written since I’ve been here.” She says offhandedly. The contents of each letter weren’t anything special in her opinion, but Rey had a feeling he needed to see them anyway.

 

She watches as he opens each letter, and reads them quietly. Several emotions seem to wash over him as he continues to read, yet he remains silent. “Why are you giving these to me now?” He asks, once he’s finished.

 

“Because I want you to understand that you were the first person I wanted to share my day with. I wanted to share all of my adventures with you. And I _need_ you to understand how important you are to me. I don’t care what you choose to call yourself. I _know_ who you are, inside and out.”

 

A tear rolls down Ben’s cheek, and before she realizes what she’s doing, she’s already wiped it away. As Rey pulls her hand back, he takes hold of it. “No one’s ever...accepted me like that.”

 

She smiles, “well you better get used to it.” He lets go of her hand then, and Rey already misses his touch. She wants to tell him how she feels, but now isn’t the right time.

 

“Are you upset with Poe and Finn?” He asks out of the blue. Of course she’s upset, or she _was,_ but Rey knows their intentions were pure, and they didn’t mean to hurt her or Ben in any way.

 

“Honestly? When you first mentioned it, I was. But, I think I understand why they did it.”

 

“Oh? Why’s that?”

 

“I think…” She wonders how to say the next part. “They realized how... _helpless_ we both were, and I think they knew how much we needed each other.”

 

Ben thinks it over for a moment, nodding. “You’re probably right like always. But I could’ve done without all the surprises if I’m honest.” He smiles, and Rey bursts out laughing.

 

“Me too! Oh, what a pair we are!”

 

And for the first time, Ben laughs. A real, genuine laugh. It’s like music to her ears. She never wants him to stop.

 

“So, what should we do about our meddling friends?” He asks once they’ve both calmed a bit.

 

At that, Rey smirks. “I think I might have a few ideas about that.”


End file.
